Friday, June 29, 2012

If It Walks Like It Huffs Glue, and Talks Like It Huffs Glue . . ., a Warning, by Allison

So without going into the specifics of why we currently have a non-coherent, pickled from drinking turpentine handyman wrecking our house, the short answer is:

Blame The Adult In The House That Is Not Named Allison.

I am presented with this handyman, much like a cat leaves a bird for its owner
(Note: I hate cats and birds).

Handyman, let’s call him Wasted Steve, arrives to begin a little project of assembling some things for V’s tween room while she is gone for the weekend so we can have big surprise reveal when she gets home.

He brings with him no tools, but a friend who seems very nice and is wearing the same expression you see on dogs wearing outfits:
 “I really wish someone would save me, but I have given up hope.”

Big mess is made, nothing is finished.

Wasted Steve to come back the next day at 9 am.


5 pm, because he was “tired.”

And then he has to help somebody move.

So, Matt assembles the room and we get it all ready for V, I think this is the last of Wasted Steve, but no.
The Adult In This House That Is Not Named Allison apparently lets this total non-handyman work on our fence, because “it is outside” and that way he won’t bother me. 

This is proof of:

1. Who is or isn’t the person who normally deals with house stuff and

2. Who is or isn’t the person that gets to leave (fine, to go save lives, bla  bla) the house and not deal with nonsense like this.

 Also, the cell phone number given to WS? That would be that of The Adult  In This House Who IS Named Allison But Is Not The Person Who Gave WS Her Phone Number.

The following ensues:
1.   WS shows up for fence work with no tools, and then asks for money to go buy tools from “a guy who needs to get rid of them.”

Not making this up.

My answer is, no, I am not giving you money to buy tools otherwise known as Mad Dog.

2.    WS brings friends who actually do fence work, and fence work happens, but not at all by WS.

Who, by the way, looks like the guy who waited outside the 7-Eleven to buy beer for high school kids when we were growing up and has spent the subsequent decades huffing, snorting, drinking, eating, or sitting in things found in garages only.
 Note: He is not scary or threatening and I in no way fear for our safety
(that would be safety of The Adult Person Named Allison and Her Three Daughters Who Live In This House And Do Not Get To Go Hide At The Hospital (fine treat cancer, whatever) All Day).

WS can only half-stand and I can totally roundhouse him with my new kickboxing skills if necessary, which it is not.

Since he is seriously mumbling with his eyes closed and I could push him in the road and end all this at any time.

3.   WS leaves a big mess, says will clean it up.

Does not.

Does, however, come back the next day to I AM NOT LYING ask me for “$150 cash” for a court appearance.

My answer is, no, I am not giving you money for court, or court related appearances due to Mad Dog, or just for you to buy Mad Dog.

 4.  Money is given for work on fence done by WS’s associates, and seriously, guys, you need new friends/boss-persons/crazy man who won’t go away and makes you do stuff. 

As an added bonus, WS tries to get me to write check to some random person who is not WS or anyone else I have ever met, and I am all,"No, that would totally get me somehow involved in a meth lab situation I do not want, sorry."
5.   The Person In This House Named Allison thinks this little episode is over and is begins to imagine the gemstone weight and quality that she is owed for putting up with this lunacy.

6.   The Person In This House Named Allison is wrong.

Wasted Steve shows up the next morning as I am leaving to take girls to swim team, for money.

"Because he is just trying to keep his wife out of jail.”

I am not making this up.

My answer is no, I am not giving you money to keep your wife out of jail otherwise known as you are going to go buy Mad Dog.

7.  WS wanders away, only to show up later saying he is going to go get blocks so he can stand on our roof.


 Me: “We do not need roof work. Why do you need blocks to stand on the roof?”
 WS : “Mumble Mumble now imitating that country guy who could not be understood    on the cartoon that used to follow The Simpsons.”
Me: “Never mind whatever you said. NO blocks. NO roof. All done. Goodbye.”
WS: “I need $400”
Me: “AAAARGH! Go Away!
I am not a nice person and not only am I going to totally blog about this but also may call the police and Underdog.”
(I threw in that last part because clearly he is completely addled in the head due to glue huffing and I thought it might scare him)
8.   I am now leaving out jewelry catalogs and crafting very mean e-mails,.

And if Wasted Steve shows up again, I am going to do what the dog trainer taught me to do when the dogs were bad, which is squirt them in the face with a water bottle.

But instead I have the girls’ giant super soaker loaded, and am just going to blast him until he figures it out and goes away.

This is my version of arming the house with a shotgun.

Words and waterguns.