tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720969133000412342024-03-13T12:49:58.539-07:00I Want An InternUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger188125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-38624891927659018822017-04-19T19:48:00.001-07:002017-04-19T21:33:52.064-07:00So, Oops I Did It Again, Again? Discovering World's Most Trivial Problems is Becoming A Thing, by Allison <div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">A new World's Most Trivial Problem! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I have become an expert in this field , </span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">which I guess is another new World's Most Trivial Problem. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">(Proof! </span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/04/cry-me-river-of-green-tea-lattes-and.html?m=1)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I wish I had a slightly less specific skill set , </span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">but anyway .</span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">So, it's not actually tragic to leave one's Fitbit</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> ( Which? Isn't even cute.</span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> And?</span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I hate informative jewelry.</span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">And? </span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">It isn't even jewelry anyway ) </span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">at home when one is at the gym .</span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Unless you are me. </span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Then it becomes existential tree falling unheard in the "but I did two really hard gym classes and have no proof of it!" forest . </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">And I take photos , </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">to I guess show my Fitbit later ?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">And then am alarmed by myself .</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Not that alarmed , but still. </span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Being taunted by my youngest daughter</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> ( who wore her Fitbit all day and it was gym and orchestra day,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> so she was impressing her Fitbit )</span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> happily : "how many steps did you get really? I beat you by lunchtime!"</span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">And by my oldest, with deadpan sarcasm : " mom, if you didn't wear your Fitbit , </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">how do we even know you went to the gym? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">We can't really know."</span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Only underscored the height ( depth ) of my nonsensical nonsense.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">And this is waayyy too short to be a proper post . </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Am thinking I might need to get an intern . </span></div>
<div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-64223592460386843842016-05-02T14:52:00.000-07:002016-05-02T18:32:43.318-07:00The War Of The Roses, But Worse. My Fit Bit and my Kindle Hate Each Other, It's Exhausting. Anthropomorphization, by AllisonSo, I totally need an intern.<br />
<br />
Not only because I never have any time to write down the myriad Very Important And Random Tangents And Opinions that are on a shuffle mix in my head.<br />
<br />
I also need some help mediating the York versus Lancaster,<br />
Montague versus Capulet level rivalry between my required electronic thingys.<br />
<br />
Because?<br />
I have decided -<br />
as I anthropomorphize and assign feelings to inanimate objects?<br />
(Note: It's a lifelong habit, whether it wants to be or not.)<br />
<br />
My Fit Bit is totally jealous of my Kindle.<br />
<br />
And my Kindle hates my Fit Bit.<br />
<br />
It's understandable.<br />
In my daily life, their roles are kind of diametrically opposed.<br />
<br />
And it wouldn't be a <i>Sophie's Choice </i>level Sophie's Choice,<br />
if forced to pick one over the other.<br />
<br />
Please, take the ugly plastic bracelet that tells the time!<br />
I don't want to know the time,<br />
and I have other people telling me what time it is and how late I am,<br />
anyway.<br />
(Proof!<br />
http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/11/no-sorry-i-dont-have-time-or-watch-and.html)<br />
<br />
Please take the the thing that totally shows I am not currently in an exercise class or wholesomely participating in an outdoor sport,<br />
because I am busy reading on my Kindle.<br />
<br />
Otherwise known as, my magic, endless stream of books.<br />
The one I love the most.<br />
(Addendum: As long as it doesn't break.)<br />
(Proof! <br />
http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/07/what-nourishes-me-destroys-me-or.html)<br />
<br />
My Fit Bit is like a mosquito,<br />
or a demon's curse,<br />
holding a clipboard.<br />
It's like a cruise ship director for Boot Camp Cruise.<br />
Nobody takes Boot Camp Cruise,<br />
for this very reason:<br />
<br />
Get Up, Lazy!!!!<br />
I don't want to have to harass you with buzzes and beeps and nagging texts,<br />
reminding you to go to spin class.<br />
Your Kindle will be right there where you left it,<br />
you can have it back when you finish your 10,000 steps.<br />
<br />
Your Kindle is not going anywhere,<br />
it's even lazier than you are!<br />
Though in fairness,<br />
your Kindle does not have legs,<br />
and it cannot run off and hide from you,<br />
even if you think that happens five times a day.<br />
<br />
It's too lazy to play hide and seek!<br />
<br />
That's actually me,<br />
your Fit Bit, orchestrating the Kindle disappearances.<br />
<br />
How else am I going to get you to put down the Kindle and go to the gym?<br />
<br />
And my Kindle is all,<br />
whatever.<br />
She likes me better.<br />
<br />
And my Fit Bit is all,<br />
Oh, really?<br />
Because I am a hideous,<br />
plastic, electronic thing that TELLS THE TIME-<br />
and worse!<br />
I am totally not a bracelet,<br />
or jewelry at all.<br />
And I get taken more places than you do, Kindle.<br />
Your clock doesn't even work,<br />
you think we are in Newfoundland.<br />
<br />
And my Kindle is all,<br />
She finds that charming!<br />
And you're just lucky,<br />
Fit Bit, that she has a tortoise shell bracelet that covers you.<br />
Otherwise, you would so be living in the Appliance Hell Of Pluggy In Things Allison Banished Because Don't Give Her Appliances As Gifts!<br />
<br />
So???<br />
I rest my case.<br />
<br />
Clearly, I need an intern.<br />
<br />
How am I supposed to do ballet carpool when I can't get my Fit Bit and my Kindle to peacefully co-exist??<br />
<br />
They are both totally mad at my phone right now,<br />
anyway.<br />
It takes pictures,<br />
and they are jealous.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-85177984271520048962015-10-26T18:27:00.002-07:002015-10-26T18:35:58.646-07:00Want To Get Out Of Carving Pumpkins And Cleaning Up? I Can Help! Whatever You Have In Your House, Plus Pumpkin Seeds, A Non-Recipe, by AllisonSo, get this?<br />
I am still in a state of autumnal bliss or something.<br />
<br />
Lack of oppressive heat, leaves turning all pretty?<br />
<br />
My reverse seasonal affective disorder has kicked in.<br />
I am like, getting things done and stuff.<br />
<br />
Things such as:<br />
Acquiring and displaying pumpkins festively,<br />
And?<br />
Using my wily tricks to get out of carving said pumpkins,<br />
via pumpkin seed roasting job.<br />
<br />
This is a job I assign myself,<br />
so that I don't have to carve pumpkins.<br />
<br />
(Shh! Secret! Don't tell anyone,<br />
but I am quite skilled at assigning myself jobs that I invent,<br />
so that I can avoid stuff I cannot,<br />
or really do not want to do.)<br />
<br />
I am terrible at carving pumpkins.<br />
It's a known fact I cannot craft,<br />
at all.<br />
<br />
I can't draw a straight line, or cut with scissors effectively.<br />
I totally use the fact that I am left-handed as an excuse,<br />
and maybe I am right.<br />
<br />
I mean, I am totally right.<br />
<br />
So pumpkin-carving is completely outside of my skill set.<br />
<br />
Growing up?<br />
At some point I gave up even trying,<br />
and drew an attempted glamorous face on my designated pumpkin with a Sharpie.<br />
<br />
(By the way, I was not just inept.<br />
I was like,<br />
ahead of the curve on pumpkin art,<br />
because I think drawing on pumpkins with Sharpies is a thing now.)<br />
<br />
It wasn't pretty.<br />
But whatever.<br />
I was not going to magically develop pumpkin carving skills,<br />
and if I could choose skills to magically develop,<br />
that would not be my first,<br />
or tenth, or one millionth choice anyway.<br />
<br />
So I kind of assigned myself pumpkin seed roasting job instead.<br />
Because it is autumn!<br />
I am way nicer, and more willing to cook and stuff.<br />
<br />
I have escaped pumpkin carving for years,<br />
with this clever diversion.<br />
<br />
Or, nobody wants to see my sad, badly carved pumpkin.<br />
Or listen to me complain about how much I do not want to be carving pumpkins.<br />
<br />
But I do make up for my pumpkin carving ineptitude,<br />
by making very excellent roasted pumpkin seeds.<br />
<br />
I have confirmation on their excellence from totally unbiased sources,<br />
such as Matt and my daughters.<br />
Matt might be kind to spare my feelings,<br />
but the girls totally would not.<br />
<br />
And so?<br />
Since I am all autumnal bliss and all?<br />
<br />
I am sharing my mostly whatever is in my house at the time,<br />
non-recipe for roasted pumpkin seeds.<br />
<br />
In case you want to get out of gourd gutting,<br />
or be an overachiever,<br />
and both carve and cook?<br />
<br />
Plus, look how festive they are!<br />
<br />
<br />
<img alt="Displaying FullSizeRender.jpg" height="320" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=58020a359d&view=fimg&th=150a6b0bfb1bcf6f&attid=0.1&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ__tPDBcaHuC3emVC0AAp3-iR0TOHCwPz8JWGzLMvNL6pmawE01hWLnOr4rN2OaF7fQ8Ry8CtsgbJncCCviuFcRt6jhPKFmkNKKkwQ5EzUNwiJW-wc92FmB1jw&ats=1445905615677&rm=150a6b0bfb1bcf6f&zw&sz=w1656-h805" width="240" /><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Whatever You Have In Your House, Plus Pumpkin Seeds, Non-Recipe, by Allison:<br />
<br />
1. Get pumpkins.<br />
<br />
You can be very photo-op wholesome and go on a hayride and pick out pumpkins,<br />
if that is your thing.<br />
<br />
Or, you can have horrible morning with squabbling children,<br />
and then decide to buy pumpkins you see on your way to the gym after school drop-off,<br />
in the vague hope that aforementioned squabbling children will be chastened by festive pumpkins when they get home from school,<br />
and behave like civilized, non-squabblers.<br />
<br />
Guilt pumpkins?<br />
<br />
That's how I rolled this year.<br />
But this is a non-recipe. Get your pumpkins however you want.<br />
<br />
2. Get other people to carve pumpkins.<br />
<br />
This is helpful if you are terrible at carving pumpkins,<br />
or just don't want to.<br />
It seems like most people -<br />
(for example, everyone in my house but me)<br />
actually like carving pumpkins, so you should be able to find somebody.<br />
<br />
3. Get those people to scoop out the pumpkin guts.<br />
They should do that, they are carving them, it's part of the job.<br />
<br />
4. Get them to also separate the seeds from the rest of the gourd goop.<br />
Bribe them with delicious roasted pumpkin seeds for their labor,<br />
or whatever works.<br />
This is a non-recipe, and I haven't even gotten to the part with ingredients yet.<br />
<br />
5. Run into your house with the de-gooped pumpkin seeds,<br />
so you don't have to clean up the rest of the pumpkin carving stuff,<br />
because that is gross,<br />
and to be avoided if you time it right.<br />
<br />
6. Get a cookie sheet or baking tray or something, and mist it with olive oil,<br />
or somehow make it nonsticky with spray stuff or whatnot.<br />
This is a non-recipe, I do not judge.<br />
<br />
7. Go look in your spice drawer.<br />
If you don't have a spice drawer,<br />
go look on the shelf where you keep random spices.<br />
<br />
8. Sprinkle whatever you have onto the pumpkin seeds.<br />
Seriously, this is a non-recipe.<br />
And I use different stuff each year,<br />
because I never remember what I used the previous year,<br />
and who knows what is in my spice drawer at any given time?<br />
<br />
Not me, that's for sure.<br />
This year, it was nutmeg, garlic powder, dark chili powder, sea salt.<br />
<br />
I added cayenne pepper to the ones I ate,<br />
because I was in the mood and also happened to have cayenne pepper in my spice drawer.<br />
<br />
9. Put the tray of seasoned with whatever seeds in your oven.<br />
Set your oven at 425, or something like that.<br />
I can never remember what temperature for what,<br />
so mostly things I cook are at 425.<br />
If you know a better way, do that.<br />
<br />
10. Cook them until they are done.<br />
Before they burn, but make sure they are crunchy.<br />
You can tell by poking at them.<br />
(That pretty much works for anything, honestly.)<br />
<br />
11. Put more stuff on them if you want.<br />
Or not.<br />
This is a non-recipe, you do whatever you like.<br />
<br />
12. Take photos of your delightfully roasted seeds,<br />
feed them to the people that have carved and cleaned up the pumpkins,<br />
and yourself, of course.<br />
<br />
Remember to feel smug and pleased with yourself.<br />
They taste better that way.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-42252342639650651042015-10-06T11:03:00.000-07:002015-10-06T11:03:15.824-07:00Cotton Candy Should Not Exist, It Is Neither Cotton Nor Candy, And Probably Made Out Of Clowns Or Unicorn Fur: A Diatribe, by AllisonSo, I am in a state of autumnal bliss.<br />
Because?<br />
<br />
1.It's not hot outside. <br />
Like, at all.<br />
<br />
2. Therefore, I am probably, <br />
at least sometimes, <br />
way nicer than when I am in chronic "It's too sunny, <br />
I don't like popsicles or outdoor sports" mood, <br />
otherwise known as May Through Whenever It Ends,<br />
Please Don't Ruin Back To School Outfits, <br />
I Am Tired Of Summer mood.<br />
<br />
3. I get to initiate the ceremonial Changing Of The Closets! <br />
My favorite closet-related ceremony ever!<br />
Proof!<br />
<a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/09/all-hail-changing-of-closet-or-it-is.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/09/all-hail-changing-of-closet-or-it-is.html</a><br />
<br />
4. And last but not least?<br />
No more Cotton Candy grapes!<br />
<br />
I wish I didn't know Cotton Candy grapes were a thing.<br />
Because they totally should not be a thing.<br />
<br />
I would not have even known they were a thing, <br />
except last year I accidentally bought some at the grocery.<br />
<br />
The girls were all "Yay! <br />
You bought the Cotton Candy grapes!"<br />
And I was all, "What are you talking about?"<br />
Because, honestly.<br />
I bought green grapes because there was a display, <br />
and I was buying produce, <br />
because I am saintly, fruits and vegetables procuring mother, <br />
give me a gold star.<br />
<br />
I didn't know I had to scrutinize the fruits and vegetables for corrupted, <br />
hybrid,<br />
Willy Wonka infected flavors.<br />
<br />
The girls were all, "Didn't you notice the big pink label saying Cotton Candy?"<br />
And I was all, "Obviously not! <br />
What did they do to those poor grapes?<br />
You know my stance on Cotton Candy, <br />
do you think I would ever, <br />
ever on purpose buy anything with Cotton Candy in the name?"<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lqgKbcRRHoc/VhQBN0NYFFI/AAAAAAAABTY/ibkFr8vGC0c/s1600/cotton%2Bcandy%2Bgrapes.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lqgKbcRRHoc/VhQBN0NYFFI/AAAAAAAABTY/ibkFr8vGC0c/s200/cotton%2Bcandy%2Bgrapes.png" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
The girls are like, "Please give us the grapes,<br />
please do not start talking about Cotton Candy being sugary fur."<br />
<br />
And I was like, "Have you met me?'<br />
<br />
Because Cotton Candy is just one of my mortal enemies.<br />
And I have my reasons.<br />
<br />
What reasons, you may ask?<br />
(You know you want to know my reasons. <br />
They are totally real, valid, and true.)<br />
<br />
And I may answer, "Short version or long version?<br />(Trick question! There is no short version, ever.)<br />
<br />
Cotton Candy Should Not Exist, It Is Neither Cotton Nor Candy, <br />
And Probably Made Out Of Clowns Or Unicorns: A Diatribe, by Allison<br />
<br />
So, it is a known fact that circuses are bad and wrong, <br />
there are sad elephants,<br />
and bad outfits,<br />
and clowns, <br />
and bad people roaming around,<br />
trying to make you buy Cotton Candy.<br />
<br />
Encased in plastic, <br />
where it has lingered, <br />
stagnant, <br />
for at least ten years.<br />
Most likely in some weird circus person's mom's basement.<br />
<br />
There is nothing good that can come of that.<br />
<br />
But it's a high pressure sale, <br />
this fuzzy, pastel stuff on a cone.<br />
Good luck avoiding the giant, <br />
Dickensian orphan eyes of a child wanting Cotton Candy from the bad circus man.<br />
(Note:<br />
This description applies to fairs, carnivals, <br />
and other places featured in the opening scenes of horror movies.)<br />
<br />
So, for two seconds, <br />
there is a happy, totally non-Dickensian orphan child, <br />
holding a cone of furry mystery.<br />
<br />
If you are lucky, <br />
and I am not there,<br />
you might avoid an immediate,<br />
pastel color commentary litany against the wretched mess.<br />
<br />
For the unlucky?<br />
<br />
"That is not Cotton. <br />
That is not Candy.<br />
You can't chew it.<br />
It dissolves, inadequately.<br />
It will ruin your outfit, your hair, <br />
and anything within arm's reach.<br />
It smells like tacky fake perfume.<br />
And I am pretty sure it's made of either a clown's wig, <br />
or unicorn fur."<br />
<br />
I have always felt this way.<br />
<br />
As a kid, I was thinking, <br />
"This isn't candy. <br />
I am kind of afraid it is unicorn fur. <br />
Should I say that out loud, or will that be weird?<br />
Maybe it's not unicorn fur.<br />
Maybe it's a clown wig.<br />
Either way, I am not eating it.<br />
You can't eat it anyway.<br />
I am not dissolving it, <br />
and have it ruin my specially chosen to avoid attention from clowns outfit."<br />
<br />
I don't look good in pastels anyway.<br />
<br />
I have only acquired more reasons to loathe, <br />
and less of a taste for Cotton Candy, as time goes by.<br />
<br />
Time goes by really slowly, FYI, when Cotton Candy is involved.<br />
<br />
Whether you are trying to not have to buy it at creepy carnivals or sad circuses?<br />
<br />
Or trying to find some way to unstick your belongings,<br />
after your child has abandoned the wig-fur cone,<br />
two seconds after begging and pleading for one from the bad circus hawker?<br />
<br />
Or getting stuck running the Cotton Candy machine,<br />
at your kids' preschool Spring Carnival?<br />
That is one of my Worst Volunteering Jobs Ever.<br />
And that is saying a lot. <br />
I wreck stuff all the time.<br />
Proof!<br />
<a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/10/step-away-from-glue-gun-put-down.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/10/step-away-from-glue-gun-put-down.html</a><br />
<br />
That Cotton Candy machine debacle is memorable.<br />
Because?<br />
First of all, I hate Cotton Candy. <br />
I can't remember how I got stuck being in charge of that terrible carnival machine.<br />
I am sure I did not sign up for it. <br />
I actively avoid signing up for carnival machine volunteering, <br />
it is one of my lifelong what-not-to-do's.<br />
<br />
Second, have you ever tried to work one of those things?<br />
There aren't like, instructions.<br />
There are stacks of paper cones, <br />
large cartons of pastel sticky crystals, <br />
and large lines of children waiting for the magic to happen.<br />
<br />
(Spoiler!!!! Not much magic was happening.)<br />
<br />
I kind of figured it out, I had no choice.<br />
Those kids were not messing around, <br />
I had to produce something Cotton Candy-ish, <br />
and there weren't any clown wigs nearby.<br />
<br />
In fact, for maybe one minute, <br />
I was Best Cotton Candy Carnival Machine Unwilling Volunteer Ever.<br />
<br />
The sticky stuff swirls around, <br />
and you have to really lean in to make the Totally Not Cotton Or Candy adhere to the cone.<br />
<br />
The first few kids got what could be considered Cotton Candy on a cone.<br />
After that, it's a blur.<br />
Mostly because I was covered in blue sticky crystals, <br />
even my eyelashes.<br />
They stuck together.<br />
I couldn't see, and again, <br />
I did not sign up for this.<br />
<br />
By the end, <br />
I was kind of handing out globs of blue fuzz, <br />
and actively telling myself not to refer to it as Cookie Monster's fur.<br />
<br />
So, clearly, <br />
I would never on purpose buy grapes infected with weird Cotton Candy flavoring. <br />
<br />
And?<br />
It is bogus that I have to now check the produce section,<br />
so I don't accidentally buy something horrifying,<br />
resulting in PTSD carnival flashbacks.<br />
<br />
Which is yet another reason I am in autumnal bliss.<br />
Cotton Candy grapes only exist in the hazy, sticky, end-of-days late Summer.<br />
<br />
Like expired sunscreen, I am throwing it out and moving on.<br />
<br />
Red grapes match my fall outfits better, anyway.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-66550766005607892082015-06-26T12:21:00.003-07:002015-06-26T12:21:52.632-07:00Pop Quiz, Hotshot! What Bizarre Thing Impaled My Shoe, And How Did I Not Notice It? , by AllisonSo, as I was (reluctantly) tying my gym shoes on this morning,<br />
I think I am hallucinating?<br />
<br />
Or still asleep,<br />
and somebody else got the kids to swim team and dance?<br />
<br />
Or someone is trying to kill me, <br />
in some sort of ironic noir scenario,<br />
by skewering my gym shoes with an impaling instrument of some sort?<br />
<br />
Note: That would be very clever strategy.<br />
I hate wearing gym shoes, <br />
and try to avoid looking at my feet when I am wearing them.<br />
<br />
So if someone is diabolical,<br />
and knows my weird thing about not liking gym shoes?<br />
<br />
That would be a good place to catch me off guard, <br />
since I am not really looking at my stupid shoes, <br />
and cause a ridiculous injury or death, <br />
via gym shoes.<br />
<br />
Which?<br />
Would never be investigated by the police, <br />
because it is completely plausible,<br />
to believe my gym shoes killed me.<br />
I mean, it could happen.<br />
I was almost done in by a fizzy vitamin at the airport once.<br />
<br />
(Proof! <a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/04/cry-me-river-of-green-tea-lattes-and.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/04/cry-me-river-of-green-tea-lattes-and.html</a>)<br />
<br />
<br />
So I guess most pop quizzes don't have that much of a lead-up?<br />
But how could you take the quiz if you didn't know the story, right?<br />
<br />
For those of you still reading? <br />
<br />
Pop Quiz, Hotshot! <br />
What Bizarre Thing Impaled My Shoe, And How Did I Not Notice It? , by Allison<br />
<br />
So like I was saying way up there, <br />
as I was tying my gym shoes this morning -<br />
<br />
Note: <br />
With my feet already in them.<br />
I put them on without being skewered, <br />
or even seeing there was a weapon stuck through my shoe.<br />
<br />
Embarrassing, yes.<br />
But weird enough that I am compelled to take photos,<br />
and write a quiz-ish thing about it!<br />
<br />
Because, honestly.<br />
<br />
What is this????<br />
<br />
It totally was not there yesterday, I swear.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pD4KvxsuluI/VY2eL_wuC2I/AAAAAAAABO8/AXKg25meE0Y/s1600/gymshoeimpalement.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pD4KvxsuluI/VY2eL_wuC2I/AAAAAAAABO8/AXKg25meE0Y/s320/gymshoeimpalement.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I saw this sharp, pointy thing,<br />
when I was tying my shoe, <br />
so I almost had an eyeball kabob situation going on as well.<br />
<br />
Is it:<br />
<br />
1. A splinter? <br />
Can shoes get splinters? <br />
<br />
2. Did my inherently evil gym shoes grow devil horns?<br />
<br />
3. Maybe a humongous nail or whatever, <br />
that was holding something important together,<br />
and I don't know exactly what,<br />
but am guessing I will find out,<br />
when something falls apart,<br />
any minute?<br />
<br />
4. Medieval torture device?<br />
Possibly a souvenir,<br />
from the Tower of London,<br />
that I forgot?<br />
I am pretty sure we avoided those at the gift shop, <br />
but I could be wrong.<br />
<br />
5. Do I even want to know? <br />
<br />
6. None of the above?<br />
<br />
If you chose answer 6, you get an A plus and a gold star!<br />
<br />
I mean, I don't know if shoes can get splinters, <br />
but it wasn't a splinter. <br />
<br />
I would totally believe my gym shoes could grow devil horns, <br />
but they didn't today. Yet.<br />
<br />
It's not used to hold together anything currently in my house, <br />
that thing got dropped off at dance,<br />
30 minutes before impaling implement discovery.<br />
<br />
But if you asked that thing, <br />
which would be Thing Two, <br />
my daughter, E?<br />
<br />
She would probably pick medieval torture device.<br />
Didn't come from Tower of London, though.<br />
<br />
It came from the dance store.<br />
It is one of those giant,<br />
metal skull-scraping hairpins -<br />
that she has to use to keep her bun in proper ballet bun order,<br />
every day at dance.<br />
<br />
So maybe partial credit if you guessed medieval torture device.<br />
<br />
And, really, I didn't want to know what it was when I saw it looming at me,<br />
so I guess if you chose answer 5 you are right, too. <br />
Bronze medal, maybe?<br />
<br />
Note: This is not for an actual grade. <br />
Unless you want it to be! <br />
I could totally give quizzes and essay tests, <br />
I do that to my girls all the time!<br />
<br />
And great grades would look fabulous on college or grad school applications!<br />
Like, <br />
almost as fabulous as internships!<br />
<br />
I still don't know how the hairpin managed to impale my shoe. <br />
I have mysteries to solve!<br />
Which is Reason 1593428203292 Why I Really, Really Want An Intern.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-28110326899130809332015-06-23T13:50:00.001-07:002015-06-23T13:50:05.897-07:00Breaking News, It Is Hot Out!, or Yet Another Reason I Was Terrible Intern, by Allison<br />
So I am headed to the girls' swim meet in a minute, and Breaking News! <br />
It is the hottest day of the year, ever.<br />
<br />
This is exactly the weather forecast from last Tuesday, swim meet, hottest day of the year, ever.<br />
<br />
I am sensing a trend.<br />
<br />
Like gauchos, or clogs, I do not like this trend.<br />
<br />
But I am familiar with the stupid It Is Hot Outside Trend.<br />
<br />
Behold! A story of maybe last summer? <br />
I don't know. <br />
It was hot. <br />
I try to block it out.<br />
<br />
Breaking News, It Is Hot Out!, or Yet Another Reason I Was Terrible Intern, by Allison:<br />
<br />
So as I am doing my regular thing, care packages for camping children, <br />
tea acquiring, gym, and such, <br />
many conversations with various people all over the place go something like this:<br />
<br />
Every Person: "It's hot outside."<br />
<br />
Me: "Sure is, it is very hot out."<br />
<br />
Repeat one trillion times.<br />
<br />
I am pretty sure the underlying message in all of these conversatons is actually<br />
"It is horrible that it is so hot outside, <br />
it has caused my brain to melt,<br />
so now all I can do is talk about how hot it is, to every person I see."<br />
<br />
I may be putting my own spin on it, <br />
because I hate the hot. <br />
<br />
HATE. <br />
Super hate if it is hot AND sunny, <br />
that is misery to me. <br />
<br />
It means that I will be gross all day,<br />
and lifelong social conditioning and mean commercials make me feel like I am sluglike creature if I do not put on visor and go play tennis,<br />
and I also HATE tennis <br />
(Balls come at you! Fast! <br />
Also I look foolish in tennis clothes) <br />
or put sprinklers on and give the kids popsicles,<br />
while whimsically frolicking outside. <br />
(It may not need to be said, <br />
but I do not do whimsy or frolicking.)<br />
<br />
No, thank you. <br />
<br />
May I order some rain and fog and mist and trees?<br />
And more rain and also maybe a moor?<br />
And include Mr. Darcy and Heathcliff,<br />
and possible sparkly vampires who like forest areas instead? <br />
<br />
I choose that. <br />
<br />
Trip to Ireland in which all of those above conditions were happening convinced me that is my ideal climate -- I was in heaven and TOTALLY have the wardrobe for it. <br />
<br />
(Clarification: <br />
All of the conditions listed above were there except no awesome dudes from books, that would have been extra great and also would mean I would be even more deranged about the sun and the hot)<br />
<br />
<img closure_uid_ymk31c="130" height="512" pageoffsetid="_off_0" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-OtsVRK4Lbm0/UBhnlYUA7LI/AAAAAAAAAKk/tUoUJk2PsZA/s512/IMG_5029.JPG" style="-ms-interpolation-mode: bicubic; height: 512px; left: 452px; top: 0px; width: 342px;" width="342" /><br />
<br />
(Proof: Picture of Me in Ireland, very happy with the non-heat and non-sun.)<br />
<br />
<br />
But I can't say that whole thing whenever anyone says "It's hot outside."<br />
<br />
I will drive away even more people than usual,<br />
with my very long opinion on whatever it is that they innocuously bring up, <br />
not realizing who they were dealing with,<br />
and they better pull up a chair.<br />
<br />
<br />
Also, the "It's hot" conversations remind me of one of the very ridiculous things I did when I was an intern at a local TV station one summer during college. <br />
<br />
I've already shared in previous post that I was Terrible Intern, <br />
as evidenced by my wicked glee in mailing a recipe that was gross <br />
(Note: But not poisonous! Am not evil) <br />
that I made up out of random things and called Corn Fancy, <br />
I would mail this to people who wrote in to the syndicated chef we aired asking for recipes and sometimes I would send that recipe out if the recipe-requester was a lunatic <br />
(Note: There were a lot of lunatics, and I don't mean the fun ones, I mean the tape your cat's hair to the letter type), <br />
I detailed that crime in another post a while ago (<a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/06/corn-fancy-or-why-i-am-worst-by-allison.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/06/corn-fancy-or-why-i-am-worst-by-allison.html</a>), this is different awful thing. <br />
<br />
As intern, I did a whole bunch of stuff at the station, <br />
which was actually very cool unless it involved something lame I did not want to do, <br />
that part was NOT cool. <br />
<br />
But still. <br />
<br />
Sometimes if there was time to fill on the show that day, <br />
I would get assigned a very ludicrous nonsense story,<br />
and go off with totally sad cameraman to tape it. <br />
(Note: Because I was unpaid intern, <br />
I was not allowed to be on camera, <br />
only my voice and hand holding microphone would be seen, <br />
which now that I think of it, that could have been total lie and they just did not want me on camera, <br />
in which case I am glad they lied,<br />
because that would have been very disheartening to hear) <br />
<br />
(Also note: Was excellent for me anyway that I was not on camera,<br />
because now there is no proof of any of the ridiculousness I got myself up to,<br />
unless I willingly write about it) <br />
<br />
This station had plenty of actual news to cover, <br />
we were not in small tiny town where not a thing is going on,<br />
and you have to make up nonsense stories.<br />
<br />
<br />
TANGENT ALERT! <br />
<br />
Here's the part where I go off on a tangent, <br />
but it is relevant and also awesome, <br />
so bear with me. <br />
<br />
Speaking of nonsense news stories, <br />
the town in which we have lived for over a decade is also not tiny no-stoplight town, <br />
things go on here, <br />
plus also there is national and international news as well. <br />
<br />
But the day we moved here,<br />
the newspaper front cover, <br />
above the fold front page story was:<br />
"Buzz The Cat Survives Arrow Attack." <br />
<br />
Which?<br />
Is insane and also awesome, <br />
but slightly troubling because we now live in a town where not only is this front page news -<br />
<br />
But it means people shoot arrows at cats here?<br />
Which seems kind of Daniel Boone-ish or Serial Killer In Training.<br />
Neither are appealing to me.<br />
<br />
Also Matt saw that headline and was all,<br />
"Um, Allison, told you we should have moved up North." <br />
<br />
So I get all, <br />
"You don't know that, there are probably tons of people shooting cats with arrows in Baltimore or wherever further up you tried to drag me. <br />
It is just not in the paper in those places because people are also shooting other people, <br />
with or without arrows, <br />
and that is more important than the cat attacks, <br />
which I am sure are happening there too." <br />
<br />
And he is all, "Ug." <br />
<br />
But we already live here so point is moot, <br />
other than the point I was originally making which was:<br />
<br />
Buzz Arrow Attack is a very non-news story,<br />
that does not need to be in the newspaper, <br />
except for entertainment purposes,<br />
to horrify newcomers into thinking they have moved into Deliverance 2: Now We Are After The Animals! Town. <br />
<br />
Totally worked, evil geniuses behind Buzz The Cat Survives Arrow Attack. <br />
<br />
Well played.<br />
<br />
<br />
TANGENT OVER!<br />
<br />
I am back to my Terrible Intern story now, <br />
if you can harken back to the time in which you were reading about that,<br />
and not freaking out about what is going on in my town. <br />
<br />
So I would get assigned these silly non-stories to fill time,<br />
and it usually meant very bored and sad cameraman and I would go out and do some story, <br />
which was always a variation of: <br />
<br />
Please Fill Three Minutes Of Time, We Don't Care What It Is About. <br />
<br />
This particular assignment came to mind today when having many conversations with people that boiled down to, "It's hot out." <br />
<br />
(Remember when I was talking about that a long time ago before I went off-topic several times? <br />
That was fun.)<br />
<br />
<br />
So the non-news segment bitter and sad cameraman and I were tasked with was, "It's hot outside." <br />
<br />
Seriously, that was the assignment: <br />
It is hot out, <br />
do something on that for three minutes. <br />
<br />
So I am already grumpy because it is hot and I have established that makes me automatically total grump, <br />
but also now this is ridiculous assignment and cameraman is all, <br />
"Yeah, you figure it out and tell me where to drive." <br />
(Note: cameraman always had to drive me to nonsense stories, <br />
for some legal or otherwise very smart reason they did not let me drive giant news truck, <br />
I giggle thinking about all the havoc I could have wreaked as Terrible Intern if I had gotten ahold of a news truck) <br />
<br />
So my idea for non-news story is not, <br />
children in sprinklers, something something cheerful, <br />
because remember I am grumpy and hate hot.<br />
<br />
My idea was, <br />
what is the worst job you could possibly have when it is hot outside? <br />
<br />
Because if I have to do a story on "It's hot out," <br />
it is going to be "It's HOT out, and hot SUCKS, <br />
and here's how it totally sucks."<br />
<br />
So I decide?<br />
(Note: that was the fun part about these non-stories, <br />
and really much of what I got up to as Terrible Intern, <br />
I was left to my own devices, <br />
which is clearly NOT a good call on their part) <br />
<br />
The worst job in the HOT is the dudes who are laying tar <br />
(Query? Is that what it is called still? <br />
I think that may be colloquialism, <br />
there may be actual term like "putting down asphalt on a road with big truck rolly thing" or such, <br />
no idea, <br />
I was told at young age the thing they were doing was "laying tar," <br />
so that is what I call it, <br />
let me know if I am totally off) <br />
in big rolly thing truck wearing hat and full tar-layer man outfit.<br />
<br />
Not sure why I decided that was worst job, <br />
except for the fact that it seems like a very un-fun thing to do when it is boiling hot out, <br />
so that was that. <br />
<br />
Cameraman is super sad as he drives me around, <br />
while we look for someone doing this bad job in the HOT, <br />
because I do not know if there is anyone actually doing that job right now.<br />
<br />
Cameraman is about to kill me,<br />
but finally we find giant rolly thing and tar appliers in big yellow suits.<br />
<br />
And then I have to convince them that I am not crazy person <br />
(Note: Am crazy person, <br />
but in this instance in this task, <br />
was not being crazy, or maybe was, <br />
but was allowed to be doing the crazy anyway) <br />
and we really did want to interview them about how much their job sucked because it was hot out.<br />
<br />
<br />
But guess what? <br />
<br />
I am GENIUS Terrible Intern!! <br />
<br />
They TOTALLY thought their job sucked because it was hot, <br />
and had lots of different reasons why, <br />
and I got my non-news story!<br />
<br />
And I have no idea what the News Director thought, <br />
because I did not want to know. <br />
<br />
It did get aired, though. <br />
<br />
And one of the tar-layers asked me for my autograph, <br />
which was hysterical, <br />
and the cameraman laughed so hard camera shook, but still. <br />
<br />
Am famous now.<br />
<br />
So Lessons For Today:<br />
<br />
1. Do not hire me as intern, I am Terrible Intern.<br />
<br />
2. Do not engage me in "It's hot" conversation because I will either be super grumpy because it is hot,<br />
or force you to listen to the above story, <br />
thus causing all the groceries in your car to spoil and you to question my sanity.<br />
<br />
3. Do not get tar-applier job in the summer.<br />
<br />
4. Do not shoot cats with arrows, <br />
or anything with arrows, unless you are learning archery for next Hunger Games movie or in Olympics, <br />
and if you are doing that, <br />
shoot at the target thing with the bulls-eye, <br />
not cats. <br />
<br />
Buzz has been through enough already.<br />
<br />
5. And I have to pack up for swim now, so it goes without saying, I could really, really use an intern.<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-89312720586646974182015-06-14T11:56:00.002-07:002015-06-14T12:03:33.797-07:00No Rest For The Wicked, No Respite For The Weary. Please Send Intern And Sunblock, by AllisonSo, Summer is upon us.<br />
I know this, <br />
for sure.<br />
<br />
Even without the stupid sun and hot weather torturing me?<br />
Melting my brain and lip balm?<br />
<br />
I know it's Summer.<br />
<br />
Because?<br />
<br />
1. There are no more end of year recitals, <br />
dance productions,<br />
concerts, graduations, <br />
parties, <br />
and other things I may have totally missed?<br />
<br />
Because that aforementioned list of things?<br />
Signifies the end of the school year.<br />
<br />
2. Also?<br />
Before that aforementioned list of things, <br />
signifying end of school year?<br />
<br />
There were rehearsals.<br />
<br />
Lots of rehearsals.<br />
For all of the aforementioned list of things.<br />
Some (most) involving costumes.<br />
<br />
And now?<br />
All of those things are done.<br />
(Or are they??? <br />
I don't know. <br />
My brain is melting from the heat, already.)<br />
<br />
3. But the brief respite from these events?<br />
<br />
Note: <br />
There is no actual respite, <br />
brief or not. <br />
<br />
These things overlap,<br />
like Venn Diagram Of There Is No Way I Can Do All Of This.<br />
So, <br />
I make the executive decision -<br />
Since I cannot clone myself?<br />
Or alter the space/time continuum?<br />
<br />
Though that could be helpful around this time of year?<br />
<br />
There must be a respite. <br />
<br />
Or there will be blood - <br />
or other ominous movie title type thing, <br />
indicating mayhem and madness.<br />
<br />
Respite, please?<br />
<br />
4. No such luck.<br />
<br />
Respite?<br />
<br />
Blink? <br />
Or blink away tears of despair? <br />
And you miss it.<br />
<br />
Respite?<br />
<br />
Totally immediately interrupted.<br />
<br />
Respite?<br />
<br />
Meet your mortal enemy:<br />
Swim Team.<br />
<br />
Which started practice two weeks ago, <br />
back up there,<br />
in the blur of End of the Year stuff we were doing.<br />
<br />
Honestly.<br />
<br />
Respite?<br />
<br />
Ruined by the following delightful sisterly exchanges,<br />
scented with chlorine and sunblock:<br />
<br />
-"Where are my goggles?" <br />
<br />
-"You stole my goggles"<br />
<br />
-"Those are my goggles!"<br />
<br />
-"Where is my bathing suit? <br />
NOOO! <br />
Not that one, the other one!"<br />
<br />
-"You stole my bathing suit!"<br />
<br />
-"Where are all the towels???" <br />
<br />
-"MOOOOM, all the towels are dirty!"<br />
<br />
5. And my responses:<br />
<br />
-"You have got to be kidding me. <br />
We own 100000 pairs of goggles. <br />
<br />
You all have 3000 bathing suits. <br />
<br />
And the towels are in the laundry pile,<br />
because you all refuse to hang them up, <br />
and they are now making all of your orchestra,<br />
and dance costumes,<br />
and end of year concert clothes all gross.<br />
<br />
Because I haven't had time to wash the End Of School stuff.<br />
Never mind the ten thousand dance things,<br />
stained with stage makeup.<br />
<br />
And seriously? <br />
Two zoo field trip bags, and field day?<br />
<br />
Camp forms, already?<br />
<br />
I have had NO RESPITE!<br />
<br />
Really.<br />
No respite at all.<br />
<br />
And now I am thinking I am spelling respite incorrectly.<br />
But I am too lazy <br />
(Or? <br />
Worn out from the lack of any sort of respite)<br />
to Google check myself.<br />
<br />
And though I am having a No Respite Rant?<br />
<br />
All of the above End of Year festivities were cool.<br />
<br />
Not in any way possible to absorb, and flew past in a blur of Really? <br />
Third thing today?????<br />
<br />
But cool.<br />
<br />
And swim team is great, <br />
and fabulous team and cool sport.<br />
<br />
So if I don't melt from the heat,<br />
or go deranged from Chronic Hunt For Goggles?<br />
<br />
Yay, Go Blue Dolphins!<br />
<br />
And if I do melt<br />
/go deranged/<br />
both?<br />
<br />
I can always divert myself by staging a flash mob at the swim banquet.<br />
<br />
(Proof! <a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/07/hey-its-swim-banquet-and-this-is-crazy.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/07/hey-its-swim-banquet-and-this-is-crazy.html</a>)<br />
<br />
No telling what I will do, <br />
when deprived of my well-earned respite.<br />
<br />
For the sake of humanity, <br />
or at least anyone having to deal with me?<br />
<br />
If I can't get a respite?<br />
<br />
I really, really could use an intern.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-66573003170486032942015-04-27T10:27:00.002-07:002015-04-27T10:27:26.795-07:00Crimes Against Fashion, Violin Parking, And Impersonating A Police Officer: Citizens Arrests Gone Wrong! by AllisonSo, the other day on the way to school?<br />
No good songs on the radio.<br />
Boo.<br />
Music always soothes the savage beasts - <br />
at least the ones driving or riding in my car, anyway.<br />
<br />
And to prevent boredom or squabbling, <br />
I start up a conversation on something random.<br />
<br />
As I read that sentence I just wrote up there? <br />
<br />
I think that might sum up my entire existence.<br />
<br />
But on that particular day, <br />
the random conversation centered on citizen's arrests.<br />
That is how much of a nerd I am.<br />
<br />
Impromptu Civics Lessons!<br />
<br />
I don't totally remember how the conversation started.<br />
And the ride to school isn't long enough for me to thoroughly impart my wisdom,<br />
or lack thereof.<br />
<br />
V's history class had been learning about citizen's arrests, <br />
and she and her sisters were delighted by the prospect of dispensing judgment on any crimes, <br />
or annoying things, <br />
within their jurisdiction of The Universe.<br />
<br />
I had like thirty seconds to throw in that I was pretty sure citizens arrests worked better in the medieval ages, <br />
and there are rules involved, <br />
but I can't remember them right now.<br />
I don't remember anything clearly before 8 am, <br />
especially when I am under-caffeinated.<br />
<br />
My basic summation of citizens arrests was:<br />
<br />
"It's like the Scooby Doo gang,<br />
solving mysteries and detaining the bad guy,<br />
who could have gotten away with it,<br />
if it hadn't been for those meddling kids."<br />
<br />
And then I am like:<br />
<br />
"Do not tell anyone I said that. <br />
Go look it up in books and Write A Document on it. <br />
It will be fun!"<br />
<br />
Why do I come up with these things?<br />
I am an idiot.<br />
<br />
Named Pandora, and I have just opened a box. <br />
What is in it . . .? <br />
Why has everyone been so quiet? <br />
That is always a bad sign.<br />
What is all this yellow paper? <br />
<br />
What havoc have I inadvertently wreaked, <br />
because I didn't want to listen to Pitbull on the radio,<br />
and decided to give half-baked Impromptu Civics Lesson instead?<br />
<br />
Turns out?.<br />
<br />
The girls are really prolific citizens, <br />
with extremely ludicrous judgment in making arrests.<br />
<br />
(Note: There may be a genetic predisposition towards prolific lunacy. <br />
Maybe.)<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ts6l9c_6ALc/VT5qzB3QRjI/AAAAAAAABIU/dJXIuPHLOGg/s1600/citizensarrest.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ts6l9c_6ALc/VT5qzB3QRjI/AAAAAAAABIU/dJXIuPHLOGg/s1600/citizensarrest.jpg" height="320" width="277" /></a></div>
<br />
Behold!<br />
Crimes Against Fashion, Violin Parking, And Impersonating A Police Officer: <br />
Citizens Arrests Gone Wrong, by Allison<br />
<br />
The girls have been busy.<br />
Being insane.<br />
Tickets are handed out for crimes including:<br />
<br />
1. Being Annoying<br />
2. Illegal Violin Parking<br />
3. Bad Singing<br />
4. Shoes on Couch (That is a rule! Thank you, Citizen!!! )<br />
5. Plaid Pants <br />
6. Name Calling<br />
7. Giraffe Socks<br />
8. Illegal Computer Parking<br />
9. Being Rude And Sassy To a Cop <br />
<br />
And <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rjlT0vqYrZA/VT5uUo9cwjI/AAAAAAAABIg/7-nYRJ0Bc88/s1600/citizenarrest2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rjlT0vqYrZA/VT5uUo9cwjI/AAAAAAAABIg/7-nYRJ0Bc88/s1600/citizenarrest2.jpg" height="175" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
10. Being A Fake Cop, Federal Arrest<br />
<br />
Note: That makes no sense. <br />
How embarrassing, I was a government major. <br />
<br />
Clearly,<br />
I need to teach them what citizen means, <br />
and that they should say police officer, <br />
not cop, <br />
when they are referring to a police officer, <br />
and again, none of them are police officers, <br />
or cops, <br />
that is the whole point of citizen's arrest. <br />
<br />
I knew I needed more time for that Impromptu Civics Lesson!<br />
<br />
We are also totally out of those sticky notes now, too.<br />
<br />
I am thinking if I had one, I'd write a reminder to myself that I really, really, really could use an intern.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-91203448988413673452015-03-17T10:29:00.002-07:002015-03-17T16:30:05.237-07:00Fabulously Good Kale Chip Non-Recipe, Or, Why I Will Never Be Asked To Write A Cookbook, by AllisonSo, in honor of St. Patrick's Day, <br />
I have figured out my non-recipe for kale chips-<br />
(They are festively green! ) that are magically delicious.<br />
<br />
When I say non-recipe, <br />
I mean:<br />
Not an actual recipe,<br />
because I hate recipes.<br />
They are very bossy, and lists are involved.<br />
And they are not open for discussion.<br />
So? Nonstarter, right there.<br />
<br />
But?<br />
I totally did figure out how to make kale chips,<br />
that are totally good and taste nothing like kale, <br />
but are totally, shockingly not decadent.<br />
I know that to be true, I made them!.<br />
<br />
And I kind of should write it down before I forget.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5S0KW2vEUA4/VQhj4rqSejI/AAAAAAAABHA/RIB6cyCUvQQ/s1600/kale%2Bchips.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5S0KW2vEUA4/VQhj4rqSejI/AAAAAAAABHA/RIB6cyCUvQQ/s1600/kale%2Bchips.jpg" height="164" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Fabulously Good Kale Chip Non-Recipe, Or, Why I Will Never Be Asked To Write A Cookbook, by Allison:<br />
<br />
1. Acquire kale.<br />
<br />
2. Make sure it is all kale. <br />
I have had a Very Unfortunate Incident Involving Fire Alarm, <br />
when using what I thought was kale,<br />
but was in fact kale mix.<br />
And spring mix and spinach hiding in there?<br />
Do not want to turn into kale chips, or anything good.<br />
<br />
3. Get a pan or baking tray or whatever, <br />
and put the amount of olive oil one of my small spoons holds, <br />
smearing it on the whatever tray.<br />
<br />
I don't use measuring cups or spoons, because?<br />
I can't find them, <br />
and I don't like how they all have to be washed,<br />
when you just need a little bit of olive oil, <br />
and that is tedious.<br />
Also, I am inherently lazy.<br />
<br />
So, like a small amount. Not a regular spoon amount.<br />
<br />
4. Tear up the kale.<br />
Into whatever sized things, <br />
chip sized things.<br />
You can pull off the leaves (?) and not use the stems, <br />
if you are extremely "this tastes like kale, no thank you" type.<br />
<br />
I leave stems in, <br />
because ripping leaves off would take too much time, <br />
and I am inherently lazy.<br />
<br />
5. Put the kale pieces on the tray. <br />
See, easy!!<br />
<br />
6. Throw whatever seasoning stuff you have, that you like,<br />
on the kale tray.<br />
I use sea salt and crushed red pepper, <br />
because I put that on everything.<br />
And therefore, know where it is in our house.<br />
But this is a non-recipe, you do whatever you want.<br />
<br />
7. Put a little bit more olive oil in a small spoon the size of the small spoon I used.<br />
<br />
8. Fling it at the kale.<br />
You can add entertainment by saying "En Guarde!"<br />
Or "Voila!"<br />
Or "Wonder Twins Power, Activate!"<br />
Flinging is fun.<br />
<br />
9. Put tray in the oven.<br />
Don't worry about pre-heating, unless you want to.<br />
I never ever do, <br />
because if I pre-heat it, <br />
when I open the oven, <br />
it is all hot.<br />
Way more likely to injure myself or mess up my makeup.<br />
<br />
10. Temperature for oven? <br />
I'm not totally sure. <br />
I kind of spin the dial, <br />
I like the roulette type of game of chance.<br />
But probably 425 or something around that.<br />
<br />
11. Leave the kale in the oven for however long it takes for them to be done.<br />
<br />
This is a non-recipe, <br />
so I don't feel guilty about the fact that I have no linear idea of how long I cook stuff.<br />
I hate the timer.<br />
It is a pain to set - and I am inherently lazy.<br />
<br />
Also?<br />
Sometimes it is wrong, that timer.<br />
The thing isn't done yet, or is burnt.<br />
Stupid timer doesn't know.<br />
<br />
I certainly don't.<br />
My best guess for the kale chips?<br />
Time frame:<br />
<br />
-how long it takes for me to semi-dry my hair, <br />
until I think the phone is ringing,<br />
or someone is saying my name.<br />
<br />
-how long it takes for me to check email, <br />
if there is nothing I want to actually deal with,<br />
and I am ignoring siren call shopping.<br />
<br />
-dealing with laundry until I get extremely grumpy.<br />
<br />
So, I think ten minutes?<br />
<br />
I don't know.<br />
This is a non-recipe.<br />
They should be turning crunchy.<br />
<br />
12. My time-honored gauge of "Poke at it" works.<br />
When it's crunchy, <br />
but still green, it's done.<br />
Not the same color green that went in the oven.<br />
But not black and scorched.<br />
<br />
Go for like,<br />
that dark Charleston green, used to paint porches and window shutters?<br />
About that color green.<br />
<br />
13. Take them out of the oven.<br />
Or? <br />
If you can't find any oven mitts?<br />
<br />
I am not judging here. <br />
This is a non-recipe.<br />
If you have no oven mitts, <br />
and have used all other things that could serve as impromptu oven mitt?<br />
<br />
Open the oven, and use a spatula or similar,<br />
and scrape them onto a plate.<br />
<br />
14. Then put whatever seasoning -<br />
I used more crushed red pepper, <br />
because I like crushed red pepper flakes.<br />
<br />
You use whatever you like, that is a seasoning type thing.<br />
This is a Choose Your Own Adventure Non Recipe.<br />
<br />
15. And then you have really very excellent kale chips!!<br />
And?<br />
You have the reason why no one will ever, <br />
ever ask me to write a cookbook.<br />
<br />
It would be 10000 pages long, and a lot of it won't be about food.<br />
<br />
Reason Number 8,379,308 - why I really, really want an intern.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-70177553580553468042015-03-02T19:29:00.000-08:002015-03-02T19:42:57.962-08:00Just Because We Have A Wigs, Festive Hats, And Costumes Closet Does NOT Mean I Am A Neon Ancient Camel, by AllisonSo, by now, <br />
being the person who knows where stuff is in our house?<br />
(Note: Except for keys, or my wallet. <br />
Proof! <a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2014/01/oops-i-did-it-again-has-anyone-seen-my.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2014/01/oops-i-did-it-again-has-anyone-seen-my.html</a>)<br />
<br />
I am used to getting weird, <br />
or urgent - or urgently weird - or weirdly urgent -<br />
requests for some random thing to be found.<br />
<br />
Sometimes for no reason I can understand.<br />
Always on a timetable of "Now."<br />
<br />
Lost blankets, <br />
dance bags, <br />
violins,<br />
the other shoe?<br />
Practice makes perfect, I suppose.<br />
<br />
Because after one million times hunting for those things?<br />
I am good the fine art of:<br />
"Yes,<br />
it is too right by your desk,<br />
even if you said it isn't,<br />
it is, told you so, <br />
I am always right."<br />
<br />
I should probably teach myself how to find my own belongings, <br />
but I am too busy looking for everyone else's stuff.<br />
<br />
Sigh.<br />
I am saint-like, really.<br />
<br />
But I am not a magician.<br />
At all.<br />
I am really and truly creeped out by magicians. <br />
<br />
They are in the same general category of "Run away!!" <br />
as mimes, <br />
clowns, <br />
and people needing directions.<br />
<br />
Plus, I only approve of top hats when used in Bob Fosse-style dance numbers, <br />
no rabbits appearing, <br />
ever.<br />
<br />
And since I am not a magician? <br />
(Which? Good thing, because I don't like magicians anyway)<br />
<br />
I cannot magically locate things that DON"T EXIST IN MY HOUSE.<br />
<br />
Such as?<br />
<br />
Camel Costume.<br />
<br />
Not kidding, <br />
V asked one day, right before leaving for school:<br />
"Um, Mom? <br />
Do you happen to have a camel costume I can borrow?"<br />
<br />
I was like, "Are you insane? No! <br />
Have you ever seen a camel costume in our Wigs, <br />
Festive Hats, and Costume closet???"<br />
<br />
OOOH! TANGENT ALERT!<br />
<br />
Tangent:<br />
I Totally Have A Wigs, Festive Hats, And Costume Closet! Organization, by Allison<br />
<br />
Our house is full of mysteries.:<br />
<br />
1.There is a calendar from 1872 in our attic, and we just noticed it last year. <br />
<br />
2. That attic also has a secret, weird closet.<br />
Proof! (<a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/12/procrastination-secret-weird-closet.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/12/procrastination-secret-weird-closet.html</a>)<br />
<br />
3. There are hieroglyphics or something on the door to the English basement.<br />
(Which?<br />
Is fancy term for, dirt under the front porch basement space,<br />
where we keep paint cans,<br />
strollers I thought we gave away,<br />
until I saw them when I had to go in the English basement dirt area for paint the other day, <br />
and Matt has hung an Elmo beach towel in it, as well. <br />
For ambiance?)<br />
<br />
4. We have a coal chute! <br />
<br />
5. That leads to a coal room!<br />
<br />
6. We don't use coal for any purpose, <br />
and that coal room is full of Christmas dishes and other kitchen stuff I never use, <br />
or forget I own, <br />
because I don't go in the coal room.<br />
<br />
7. We also have lots of closet space, <br />
which was very thoughtful of the guys who built this house in Ye Olden Days.<br />
<br />
8. One of those closets has been appropriated by me for housing:<br />
Wigs, <br />
Festive Hats, and Costumes.<br />
Dance Costumes separated from Regular Costumes.<br />
<br />
It may be the most organized thing in our house, <br />
this closet.<br />
<br />
I can find the bird wig from Cinderella two years ago, in thirty seconds!<br />
(I know this,<br />
because recently E urgently needed the bird wig from Cinderella, <br />
like NOW.<br />
And I went to the wig section in the Wigs, Festive Hats, and Costumes closet, <br />
and found it in thirty seconds.<br />
<br />
And then I was really offended -<br />
she was not impressed at the speed in which I found the wig, <br />
in our organized Wigs, Festive Hats, and Costumes closet.<br />
I was like, "E, you know? <br />
I don't think most people would be able to find a bird wig that fast. "<br />
<br />
And she was like, "Where are your keys and your purse?"<br />
<br />
I had no idea, but that was not my point.<br />
<br />
Want a hyena skullcap? <br />
(I'm never wearing it, it scares me. <br />
It is from The Lion King dance production a few years ago. <br />
That show has a whole section in the costumes department of our closet: <br />
Safari Animal Unitards.)<br />
<br />
Viking Helmet with horns and braids? <br />
(From Disney Norway.)<br />
<br />
At least ten garish St. Patrick's Day Green Spangly Leprechaun Pimp Hats?<br />
(Blame Dublin for those.)<br />
<br />
Calico prairie dress for fourth grade Olden Days day?<br />
<br />
Betsy Ross costume? (?????)<br />
<br />
Mardi Gras garb? Wolf ears?<br />
<br />
Mouse ears, both Mickey and Dance Costume options?<br />
<br />
It's full of the most random, yet organized Wigs, Festive Hats, and Costumes!<br />
(The floor of the closet is covered by All Of The Backpacks The Girls Made Me Buy And Don't Use Anymore,<br />
Otherwise Known As Exhibit A In Why I Am Not Buying Any More Backpacks.)<br />
<br />
And the reason I went off on this tangent?<br />
Everybody in this house knows we have a Wigs, Festive Hats, and Costumes closet.<br />
And in it, are our wigs, festive hats, and costumes.<br />
<br />
Accessible to all.<br />
If there is a camel costume, it would be in that closet.<br />
<br />
I am glad there isn't one - the hyena and water buffalo are weird enough.<br />
<br />
But V should totally know if we do or don't have a camel costume -<br />
(Note: Again, for the record: we do not have a camel costume)<br />
<br />
Because if we did (we don't), <br />
it would be in the Wigs, Festive Hats, and Costume closet.<br />
<br />
Tangent Kind Of Over!<br />
<br />
Only kind of, though.<br />
Because in the span of a week?<br />
<br />
M wakes me up one morning with:<br />
"Can I borrow your frumpy, old lady clothes?"<br />
<br />
And I am all, "Excuse me? <br />
What? I don't have anything frumpy in my closet! <br />
Go get the prairie dress thing or Betsy Ross from the Wigs, Festive Hats, and Costumes closet.<br />
I am totally insulted, by the way."<br />
<br />
Her attempt to dig out of the sartorial insult hole she had dug was:<br />
"It's the 100th day of school, and I have to dress like I am 100 years old."<br />
<br />
I was like, "Yes, what does that have to do with my closet?"<br />
<br />
And she's like, "Is there anything really frumpy and grandma looking I can borrow?"<br />
<br />
And I was like, "No! Go get the prairie thing. <br />
I had to order that dumb dress from Vermont when V was in fourth grade for the Ye Olden Days day, use that."<br />
<br />
And she was like, "No, that is really unflattering."<br />
<br />
And I was like, "Yes, I know, that is why it is in the Costume Department."<br />
<br />
And she was like, "Hmmm. Ok! <br />
Old ladies have lots of diamonds and pearls. <br />
Can I borrow your jewelry?"<br />
<br />
And I was like, "Nice try."<br />
<br />
And maybe two days later?<br />
<br />
E wakes me up ?<br />
(I do not want this to become a thing. <br />
Am not a morning person, on a good day.)<br />
Asking to borrow a "tacky neon shirt and acid wash jeans" - <br />
<br />
I thought I was having a nightmare, <br />
because we don't use those words in our house.<br />
<br />
After I realize I am awake, <br />
and my daughter thinks I have neon clothes and bad jeans in my closet?<br />
<br />
I am all, "NO, I don't have any of that, are you kidding? <br />
Also, why? <br />
Neon? Shh, it's too early to be so bright. "<br />
<br />
And E is like, "It's for Throwback Thursday."<br />
<br />
And I am like, "Throwback to what? <br />
When did you ever wear neon or acid wash jeans? <br />
Throwback for you is like, a smocked dress and a hairbow in your hair."<br />
<br />
And E is all, "Everyone knows Throwback Thursday is ugly 1980's clothes."<br />
<br />
And I am all (internally) : <br />
Those devious FB overlords are hitting two generations with this? <br />
Diabolical. <br />
<br />
I am all (out loud):<br />
"Stop being ridiculous. I don't have anything neon or acid wash. "<br />
<br />
And then I remember: <br />
"Wait , E - you were 1980's girl for Halloween two years ago. <br />
You have that mess, <br />
in the Costume portion of the Wigs, Festive Hats, and Costume closet. <br />
Use yours. <br />
Throwback to fourth grade Halloween."<br />
<br />
Apparently that doesn't count.<br />
<br />
I do not know why I am curating the Wigs, Festive Hats, and Costumes closet so carefully.<br />
<br />
I do know that "Do you have a camel costume?" <br />
has become a standing "I can't find the thing I am looking for, where is it?" in-house joke in this house.<br />
<br />
It is meant to diffuse my righteous indignation at having to locate a perfectly locatable thing.<br />
It sometimes works.<br />
<br />
But mostly reminds me - I really, really, really could use an intern.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-84237134864309402242015-02-13T16:03:00.000-08:002015-02-14T16:55:00.506-08:00Beware Of Mayonnaise And Serial Killers! It's Friday The 13th! Advice by Scarlett O'Hara and AllisonSo, it is definitely for sure Friday the 13th. <br />
<br />
Look out for the ladders. <br />
Don't let a piano fall on you.<br />
<br />
Don't open the basement door! <br />
Can't you hear the ominous music???<br />
<br />
Friday the 13th brings bad luck.<br />
Proof!<br />
I put mayonnaise on my food on purpose.<br />
<br />
I hate mayonnaise.<br />
It is vile and gross.<br />
It is globby.<br />
It leaves sluggish residue that does not go away no matter what anyone says.<br />
<br />
It is the signature ingredient in most 1970's Picnic Food.<br />
<br />
Mayonnaise has TOTALLY ruined countless restaurant orders over the years.<br />
<br />
( Note: Restaurant people who really don't want to have to cook a whole other thing,<br />
just because the cursed condiment is drenching my food - causing me to screech?<br />
And stop, drop and roll - like it is fire?<br />
<br />
You can't wipe it off a hamburger bun and pass that off as mayonnaise-free.<br />
Mayonnaise won't go away once you put it on stuff.<br />
You cannot get rid of it, no matter how hard you try.<br />
<br />
Kind of like Beetlejuice.<br />
Or glitter.<br />
<br />
Ooh, TANGENT ALERT:<br />
<br />
Tangent: <br />
Mystery At McDonalds: What Awful Wrong Did They Give Us? What Horrible Thing Is In The Kid Play Area?<br />
Fun or Foul? by Allison <br />
<br />
Back in Ye Olden Days?<br />
(Note: Not that olden, I am still very, very young)<br />
<br />
Before I saw Fast Food Nation?<br />
Before they had to tell you what was in the food?<br />
Before I had young children?<br />
<br />
In college, my sister and I would drive out of our way,<br />
to go to this one particular McDonalds, <br />
just to see how badly they would get our order, <br />
and in what way.<br />
<br />
We kept track of the below absurdities, <br />
which for some reason was the most hilarious thing ever,<br />
every time.<br />
And they never let us down! <br />
Categories included:<br />
<br />
1. Wrong Food Order In Two Or More Wrong Ways. <br />
2. Ice Cream Upside Down In A Bag.<br />
3. Correct Food Order, Uncooked. <br />
4. Wrong Food Order, Uncooked.<br />
5. Forgetting We Were There At The Drive Thru Entirely For Fifteen Minutes Or More<br />
6. MAYONNAISE on Wrong Food Order, Bonus Screeching If Uncooked As Well<br />
7. MAYONNAISE on Correct Food Order, Ruining It, It Will Never Be Right Again.<br />
<br />
The only thing that didn't happen - our Holy Grail, our Great White?<br />
<br />
They never gave us a Filet-O-Fish.<br />
It was super fun activity, though, because we could not figure out WTF?<br />
<br />
Were they in there drinking the cleaning fluid they were NOT using on the kiddie play areas?<br />
<br />
Were they truly flummoxed by the menu options and what is and is not cooked?<br />
<br />
Did they eat all the uncooked stuff and get bird flu or mad cow disease?<br />
<br />
Were they messing with us on purpose and laughing just as much as we were, <br />
thinking of us driving away with our Whichever Category Of Wrong?<br />
<br />
No Clue.<br />
Those are the only instances I tolerated being around mayonnaise, because it was on our list of things that could go wrong,<br />
and I wasn't going to eat it anyway, <br />
and that was fun.<br />
<br />
Only fun memory of mayonnaise.<br />
<br />
<br />
Or McDonalds.<br />
Here comes the foul part, the fun was up there just now.<br />
<br />
When the girls were younger, <br />
and would have be ruined forever if they entered a McDonalds, <br />
or so I had been told? <br />
<br />
(Note: That is kind of true. <br />
<br />
Nutritionally, I leave that to the experts,<br />
and they have well and fully convinced my girls that McDonalds is salty poison. <br />
Thanks, Experts!.<br />
<br />
I am talking about the disgusting,<br />
filthy kid play areas.<br />
<br />
They put little chairs in there,<br />
to lure your kids into throwing fits,<br />
or breaking free and running,<br />
into that petri dish of yuk.<br />
<br />
I am fairly sure the kid play tube/ slide things,<br />
are not cleaned regularly.<br />
<br />
Or ever.<br />
<br />
The ball pits?<br />
Never ever. <br />
<br />
Proof!<br />
Items we have been handed by our children - <br />
things they found in various play areas?<br />
<br />
1. Cigarette Lighter<br />
2. Grown-up-person-sized underwear<br />
3. Socks, of various sizes and grossness<br />
4. Hair Extentions<br />
5. Used dirty diaper <br />
(V is no dummy, <br />
she just told us there was one up in the tube thing,<br />
leading to the slide,<br />
she didn't hand it to us)<br />
<br />
And I have heard of worse, from traumatized friends.<br />
Not listing those.<br />
<br />
That would be hearsay.<br />
<br />
And therefore struck from the official record.<br />
The official record of this sub-tangent,<br />
of this tangent of this story.<br />
<br />
I am helping the fact checkers,<br />
for when somebody ever decides Post - Apocalyptic Teen Strife is done.<br />
Shark has jumped.<br />
And rambling weird stories, <br />
covered in green tea, is next big thing?<br />
<br />
And whole books of my nonsense are like, the new black.<br />
I'm helping the pretend future fact checkers!<br />
By not writing about stuff I cannot prove is true.<br />
<br />
Because that would be a sucky job, fact checking my ridiculousness.<br />
Like:<br />
"Hey, I need to verify that Allison had a hobo on the roof. . ."<br />
<br />
I am so planning ahead for the benefit of others!<br />
I am saint-like, really.<br />
<br />
Also, I remember everything!<br />
Not always a good thing.<br />
But in some instances, <br />
like remembering what I was talking about,<br />
way up there when I started writing this.<br />
I meander, maybe?<br />
<br />
But I know what I was meaning to say.<br />
What bad luck siren was calling me?<br />
<br />
Mayonnaise!<br />
<br />
And you know, I hate mayonnaise.<br />
It is a blight upon the world.<br />
<br />
And ruiner of endless things people have tried to get me to eat,<br />
but I won't.<br />
Because I know there is mayonnaise in there,<br />
or you just wiped it off.<br />
Mayonnaise leaves its DNA, in the form of goo.<br />
<br />
Matt's brother loves like, putting his food in a mayonnaise bath.<br />
It is not something I can watch.<br />
I have been like, "Matt, you can tell him he doesn't have consume that just to mess with me."<br />
And Matt's like, "He's not messing with you, he likes extra mayonnaise."<br />
<br />
My only concession on the NO MAYONNAISE I KNOW IT'S ON THERE SOMEWHERE STOP LYING TO ME law of me?<br />
Tuna salad. <br />
<br />
I understand it is the required goo to hold the stuff together, <br />
so must be tolerated, if you want tuna salad.<br />
<br />
Because I decide my own made-up rules,<br />
I am allowed to make exceptions,<br />
and sometimes I want tuna salad.<br />
<br />
And I can tolerate the mayonnaise, <br />
and I have a theory on that:<br />
<br />
On tuna salad, mayonnaise is serving a purpose.<br />
Making itself useful, being glue goo.<br />
<br />
Contributing, instead of blopped all over otherwise good food things,<br />
like a gooey, will go bad,<br />
and your hair will be really gross, <br />
wet blanket on the food.<br />
<br />
Who would want to eat such a thing?<br />
<br />
Apparently, because it is Friday the 13th -<br />
And I am NOT opening the door everyone knows the bad thing is hiding behind.<br />
Because of the soundtrack, duh.<br />
<br />
I bad lucked myself!<br />
I put mayonnaise on my food on purpose.<br />
<br />
Look for flying pigs, <br />
or the devil asking to borrow a sweater, <br />
seriously.<br />
Because?<br />
<br />
Until four this Friday the 13th afternoon?<br />
I would have said that you could find a unicorn,<br />
holding a four leaf clover,<br />
and the directions to Atlantis, <br />
before you would find me willingly putting mayonnaise on my food.<br />
<br />
Backstory:<br />
It is kind of Matt's fault.<br />
<br />
He has hearts of romaine lettuce as a snack.<br />
I am a chronic romaine lettuce procurer as a result, <br />
but he has a lot to deal with wrangling me,<br />
I will supply him lettuce (unless I forget).<br />
I will buy lettuce everywhere I go (that sells lettuce),<br />
<br />
I normally ignore his lettuce,<br />
and put spinach and kale in smoothies,<br />
so I can cross "eat green stuff" off of my Things I Should Probably Do list.<br />
But the other day,<br />
I hijacked his lettuce for myself for lunch -<br />
since I was too tired from the gym,<br />
and I am inherently lazy anyway,<br />
and didn't feel like hunting and gathering.<br />
<br />
So I made tuna salad and a ridiculous amount of lettuce.<br />
<br />
It was fabulous.<br />
Weird.<br />
<br />
I am now an even more frequent procurer of lettuce.<br />
I am loving the lettuce.<br />
<br />
This is slightly concerning me, <br />
because Matt's lettuce is my new favorite thing to eat, <br />
and I am afraid I might be turning into a rabbit. <br />
<br />
Specifically my nightmare : <br />
The Easter Bunny. <br />
<br />
Talk about bad luck.<br />
I would be the worst Easter Bunny ever, <br />
that fact has already been established through anecdotal evidence, <br />
such as:<br />
<br />
1. Being terrified of people wearing rabbit costumes. <br />
<br />
2. Not wanting to make Easter baskets full of candy,<br />
and that wretched fake grass that never goes away.<br />
<br />
3. No way am I going near eggs and colorful dye for a craft. <br />
I hate crafts.<br />
<br />
4. Filling those plastic ones with candy is boring.<br />
<br />
5. I look awful in pastels.<br />
<br />
But I am having fun with my lettuce/tuna thing.<br />
And at four in the afternoon this Friday the 13th, <br />
I put extra mayonnaise on the tuna and lettuce.<br />
<br />
Not blobbed on top where I could see it, of course.<br />
That would be gross.<br />
<br />
But I actively put more than required for salad goo glue.<br />
<br />
I am troubled by this.<br />
Because I know I hate mayonnaise.<br />
<br />
I feel like a traitor to myself.<br />
I Am My Own Benedict Arnold ,<br />
If He Was A Turncoat Over Mayonnaise Instead Of The Revolutionary War.<br />
<br />
I am blaming it on Friday the 13th. <br />
I know its reputation is Bad Luck Day, <br />
especially in horror movies,<br />
and people who don't like to fly on airplanes, anyway.<br />
<br />
It's not really about changing your mind on whether you like or don't like mayonnaise.<br />
I realize my situation is probably not considered traditional Bad Luck.<br />
<br />
I don't care, because it is Very Bad Luck,<br />
if this mayonnaise thing becomes a thing.<br />
My version of Bad Luck, so I would know.<br />
<br />
<br />
For my own safety,<br />
I am writing on the computer,<br />
instead of opening creaky doors.<br />
or hanging out with chainsaw toting people in overalls,<br />
or eating anything that may have ever been near mayonnaise.<br />
<br />
Because what if this Very Bad Luck lasts seven years, <br />
like breaking a mirror?<br />
<br />
Or the Very Bad Luck jinxes me,<br />
and I won't get good songs on the radio during carpool?<br />
<br />
Or worse, if owls like mayonnaise on their eyeballs snacks, <br />
and they find me?<br />
<br />
Worst Very Bad Luck ever.<br />
<br />
To safeguard against this,<br />
I am going to have to cut back on this lettuce thing, too.<br />
It is the gateway food of this whole mayonnaise curse.<br />
<br />
What if I willingly put mayonnaise on lettuce again?<br />
<br />
I can't handle changes to my Lifelong, Steadfast , <br />
Ridiculous Behavior And Belief System.<br />
<br />
Too risky, <br />
plus now it's Very Bad Luck.<br />
<br />
Also, I really, really don't want to turn into the Easter Bunny.<br />
<br />
So I am kind of panicking about mayonnaise and turning into a giant rabbit - <br />
<br />
(Note: I realize that the above sentence, <br />
taken out of context, <br />
or maybe even still within this context, <br />
is ludicrous.<br />
<br />
But that doesn't mean it isn't both ludicrous and totally true,<br />
and happening right now.<br />
<br />
I don't think that I have panicked over those two things at the same time before! <br />
I have totally panicked about both of them individually, <br />
like one million times.)<br />
<br />
<br />
So as a distraction from this new bizarre concern of mine,<br />
I am going to make a mixtape.<br />
<br />
But what if bad luck is contagious and the computer gets it? <br />
That would be bad luck for several people, <br />
and the computer and neighbors hearing my fit.<br />
<br />
I'm ditching the diversion strategy, since it isn't working,<br />
and I am writing about how it isn't working.<br />
<br />
So it is like, double negative distraction. <br />
Or a distracting distraction from a distraction attempt?<br />
I don't know.<br />
Too lazy to figure out how to diagram that sentence.<br />
<br />
I shall employ my beloved and oft-used Scarlett O'Hara Strategy:<br />
<br />
I am not going to think about it,<br />
I will rely upon her sage advice:<br />
(Drat!!! I knew I should have bought that curtain dress costume!) <br />
<br />
I shall say fiddle dee dee,<br />
I'll worry about that tomorrow. <br />
At least the worrying about it tomorrow part.<br />
I don't know how to fiddle, <br />
or fiddle dee dee.<br />
<br />
And tomorrow's not the 13th anymore!<br />
Saved by the wisdom of Scarlett O'Hara.<br />
<br />
I totally want that costume now.<br />
<br />
I'll worry about that tomorrow.<br />
Or, like, get an intern so somebody can worry about it today.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-26308077673462224562015-01-27T16:32:00.000-08:002015-01-28T08:34:44.305-08:00Some Things Never Change. We Be Of One Blood, Thou and I. An Ode To E, by AllisonSo, I have been informed by my daughter E that having a birthday so close to Christmas is unfair and lame.<br />
<br />
I think this is an opinion held my many people with close-to-other-giant-present-giving holidays?<br />
<br />
Anyway, she would like some summer attention as well.<br />
And I am all,<br />
"Are you kidding?<br />
I get out in the hot and melt at swim meets!<br />
That is attention.<br />
I am saint-like, really.<br />
You should write me a poem."<br />
<br />
But drat.<br />
She did not fall for the Go Write A Thing tactic.<br />
<br />
So?<br />
I decided to remind her that summertime + me = <br />
You Never Know, Bring A Tarp,<br />
And Lip Balm And Bail Money,<br />
And Starbucks Tea,<br />
And Be Prepared To Sing and Dance,<br />
And NO I Do NOT Know Where You Put Your Goggles Fun Times.<br />
<br />
Since it has been a while, it is cold outside now -<br />
<br />
Sidenote: Thank you, weather!<br />
Please also make it rain,<br />
but not sleet or anything that will inconvenience me.<br />
I am way cool with foggy and dreary, though.<br />
<br />
<br />
I have to remind E that asking for a summer celebration can lead to<br />
The Time Mom Staged A Flash Mob To Call Me Maybe Swim Team Edition,<br />
<br />
Proof!<br />
http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/07/hey-its-swim-banquet-and-this-is-crazy.html<br />
<br />
<br />
I would like to pack that memory up in a box and file it away,<br />
with the other boxes of horror brought on by my idiocy.<br />
<br />
But first, I have been thinking about this all day,<br />
since she mentioned summer -<br />
I probably short-circuited and started smelling chlorine and sunblock and began to melt -<br />
<br />
But since E is the one pleading her case for chronic celebrations -<br />
which isn't a bad idea, come to think of it.<br />
If that becomes a thing, I totally want credit.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I chose to celebrate E by writing about one of my favorite E memories.<br />
I have lots,<br />
But this particular one is swim team flash mob E rules memory.<br />
And I have to pay some serious respect,<br />
in word form as that is how she likes it<br />
(and I TOTALLY get that), to my daughter E.<br />
<br />
<br />
E is my middle daughter, and she is a handful,<br />
And I say that with complete respect and admiration,<br />
as well as exhaustion.<br />
<br />
While my older daughter V is quiet,<br />
mysterious artist who is very still water running deep,<br />
and frequently an enigma to me -<br />
<br />
And my youngest M is a blindingly sparkly and confident bundle of awesome and bossy in equal parts, covered in lip gloss-<br />
<br />
E is more emotion-driven,<br />
and also Extreme Communicator and Writer of Documents,<br />
so there is a huge common denominator with E and me,<br />
Which is,<br />
we have great talks,<br />
read together on my bed,<br />
and FIGHT.<br />
<br />
<br />
E does quite the tantrum,<br />
always has,<br />
and can go from zero to 60 in one second,<br />
and you really want to avoid that if you can.<br />
<br />
And because she and I both are People Who Want The Last Word,<br />
and also more emotional than rational at times (or always),<br />
we can get into quite the tussle,<br />
and do so,<br />
A LOT.<br />
<br />
Over whatever.<br />
<br />
And she knows my buttons, and pushes them,<br />
and my Planned Calm Parenting turns into this:<br />
<br />
<br />
E: "Nuh-uh."<br />
<br />
Me: "Uh huh."<br />
<br />
E: "Nuh-uh."<br />
<br />
Me: "Uh huh."<br />
<br />
Rinse, repeat.<br />
<br />
Wait, this is not the Ode I was planning,<br />
but I always feel like I need to set up the scene,<br />
like all professional screenwriters do (for the movie that will eventually star me and I am thinking Rob Pattinson as Matt because Matt is very busy) .<br />
<br />
This particular thing went down last night at the swim team banquet,<br />
and I certainly have detailed my lunatic,<br />
what in the world?<br />
flash mob idea and execution,<br />
especially the moment in which I am up in front of all the known world<br />
(well, a lot of our friends and my kids friends etc) and flash mob is supposed to start,<br />
and I am ALL ALONE.<br />
<br />
That may have been a brief second,<br />
but trust me,<br />
it felt like a really long time.<br />
<br />
And as panic and terror and oh NO why do I do these things set in,<br />
I scan the room for something,<br />
anything,<br />
an ally,<br />
and what do I see first?<br />
<br />
E, in her lovely lavender dress she has been saving for weeks to wear tonight,<br />
with her hair done just like she likes it ,<br />
after an hour of us working on it,<br />
pushes back her chair and stands up.<br />
<br />
This is E, who cares a LOT about what her friends, her coaches, anyone really thinks of her.<br />
<br />
She is also tactical and smart,<br />
and knows a lost cause when she sees one,<br />
and at that second, I was Mom Up In Front Of Everyone Looking Foolish.<br />
<br />
And my daughter,<br />
this girl who cares so much about what her friends and the world thinks,<br />
at that moment,<br />
she cared about me more.<br />
<br />
I know she did,<br />
I saw the look in her eyes, it was "I've got your back."<br />
<br />
I saw the way she straightened herself up and came forward,<br />
knowing possible total humiliation was a good bet in this case,<br />
and that is her worst nightmare.<br />
<br />
And yet,<br />
she was the first one up.<br />
<br />
And I know it was not because she just couldn't contain her desire to do a flash mob song and dance, it was for me.<br />
<br />
I got that,<br />
it was like a tidal wave for me.<br />
<br />
I realize that it is not always going to go down like that,<br />
at some point she is going to cut bait if I am being ludicrous at Brownies or whatever,<br />
and they better invent giant Xanax IV drips when she is teenager,<br />
but I am kind of fine with that.<br />
<br />
It is kind of how it supposed to be,<br />
especially when it comes to E and me,<br />
we will go off and Write Documents and Last Word each other ad nauseum.<br />
<br />
But it is moments like last night,<br />
when she pushed aside extreme social anxiety,<br />
and came by my side<br />
<br />
(and the influx of awesome little flash mob girls and fab coaches immediately followed,<br />
and they are all stamped super cool by me),<br />
<br />
that will be a little treasure for me.<br />
<br />
And I swear, if she ever stages a flash mob,<br />
I am ON IT.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-37733674672911874542014-12-12T17:16:00.002-08:002014-12-13T06:01:18.354-08:00Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover, But Do Know What That Means If You Work In A Bookstore. Metaphor Mayhem, by AllisonSo, when I drive the girls to school, <br />
I am usually barraged with driving advice,<br />
requests to turn the music down -<br />
<br />
(Both of those things are unwelcomed,<br />
and rejected outright)<br />
<br />
But occasionally, <br />
they ask me to do something I will actually agree to do.<br />
<br />
There is not much I will agree to do. <br />
<br />
Crafts, <br />
and the procuring and supplying and whatever else, <br />
gets a NO.<br />
<br />
Complicated drop off and pickup requests,<br />
that are outside of my carpool skill set?<br />
<br />
NO.<br />
<br />
But my Achilles' Heel?<br />
<br />
Books.<br />
<br />
I don't say no to books.<br />
Ever.<br />
<br />
The girls know this,<br />
as they live in a house full of books.<br />
<br />
And also a house full of me screeching about whichever Kindle isn't cooperating,<br />
and somebody fix it NOW.<br />
(Proof! <a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/07/what-nourishes-me-destroys-me-or.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/07/what-nourishes-me-destroys-me-or.html</a>)<br />
<br />
But in the early morning, <br />
with a good song on the radio?<br />
<br />
I can't pay attention to all of that at once.<br />
Plus a truck in front of me was driving all weird.<br />
<br />
So I was like:<br />
<br />
"I cannot hear you. <br />
You are all talking all over each other, <br />
blurring your book demands,<br />
and also I like this song. <br />
Write all the details down,<br />
or text me, <br />
and I will go after the gym."<br />
<br />
Who knew this would lead to Metaphor Mayhem, Bookstore Edition?<br />
<br />
I did not know that was a thing,<br />
but it totally is a thing.<br />
<br />
Behold!<br />
<br />
Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover, <br />
But Do Know What That Means If You Work In A Bookstore. <br />
Metaphor Mayhem, by Allison:<br />
<br />
So I go into the bookstore, <br />
gross and starving after the gym.<br />
<br />
Those are not ideal conditions for me to engage in any type of anything.<br />
<br />
But my girls want books!<br />
I love books.<br />
<br />
So much that it is totally, <br />
completely a bad idea to let me loose in a bookstore.<br />
<br />
Especially when holiday displays fetchingly display <br />
Stuff I Didn't Know I Needed But Now Totally Need, <br />
And OOH! <br />
I Want That Also.<br />
<br />
I realize within one second -<br />
after entering the foyer?<br />
<br />
Anteroom?<br />
Presence Chamber?<br />
<br />
Whatever it is when you open the first doors, <br />
and there is a pile of marked down things all around,<br />
before you enter the actual store?<br />
<br />
Foyer, <br />
or whatever, <br />
is clearly The Foyer Of Misfit Books, <br />
and I should move along.<br />
<br />
It is a bad sign when I can't even get into the store.<br />
<br />
I somehow thought a book called Weird Things,<br />
plus one on How To Draw Horses, <br />
were good purchase choices.<br />
<br />
I should not be allowed unsupervised in a bookstore.<br />
<br />
And I make myself stop trying to buy another castle book,<br />
or another pocket sized Constitution <br />
(we have four already but they are so handy and darling)-<br />
<br />
And I march myself up to the help desk, <br />
with my list of books for the girls.<br />
<br />
And am greeted by Metaphorical Mayhem, <br />
in the form of Dude at bookstore help desk.<br />
<br />
He seemed perfectly nice, <br />
and I pull out my phone for the girls' requests.<br />
<br />
He has a computer or some such thing, <br />
that can look up where things are.<br />
<br />
So I am like:<br />
<br />
"Hey. I need - " <br />
(scrolling on my phone)<br />
"A book called The Swap?<br />
<br />
It apparently has a cover that looks like gravel, <br />
with yellow ballet flats,<br />
and a pair of sneakers on it also."<br />
<br />
I am aware the author's name would have been helpful, <br />
but I didn't have it.<br />
<br />
E didn't give it to me.<br />
Instead, <br />
she described the book's cover.<br />
<br />
And bookstore dude started kind of hopping around.<br />
<br />
And said:<br />
<br />
"Literally. <br />
I have never met a person who literally judged a book by its cover."<br />
<br />
Ok, I was not up for this.<br />
<br />
I decide to blot out the liberal use of "literally," <br />
because I am too tired and hungry to get worked up about that.<br />
<br />
Because?<br />
<br />
Instead?<br />
<br />
I choose to get worked up about the fact that HE IS WRONG.<br />
<br />
He is wrong.<br />
<br />
I am not judging a book by its cover. <br />
<br />
I am describing the cover of the book.<br />
<br />
Different.<br />
<br />
Me :<br />
<br />
"Um, I am really just describing the book cover, <br />
so we can find it. <br />
<br />
Judging a book by its cover is more like, <br />
if I said it was a good book or a bad book just by first glance, <br />
by appearance. <br />
It also applies to people or places too, <br />
but I am not doing that either."<br />
<br />
Dude:<br />
<br />
"You are totally judging a book by its cover."<br />
<br />
Me:<br />
<br />
"Can we go find the book?"<br />
<br />
And so we go towards the Young Adult section, <br />
and I divert my eyes from all the stuff on tables, <br />
luring me like a siren's call to BUY BUY BUY.<br />
<br />
It was helpful that I was so baffled by this person who worked in a bookstore,<br />
and yet did not seem to know what Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover means.<br />
<br />
Isn't that like, on the application?<br />
<br />
Apparently not.<br />
<br />
But it should be.<br />
<br />
Because we find The Swap -<br />
and get this?<br />
<br />
Cover has gravel, yellow shoes, sneakers.<br />
<br />
Dude:<br />
<br />
"Wow. <br />
That is exactly what you said. <br />
You really judged this book by its cover."<br />
<br />
Me: <br />
<br />
"No! No I did not. <br />
I described the book's cover, <br />
and we found it. <br />
<br />
If I said it was a bad book or a good book,<br />
based upon the gravel and shoes cover,<br />
then I would be judging it. <br />
<br />
I am not.<br />
Seriously. <br />
That phrase does not mean what you think it means."<br />
<br />
Dude:<br />
(not even getting my Princess Bride reference) : <br />
<br />
"Yes you did."<br />
<br />
<br />
Me: <br />
<br />
"Ok, the next book?"<br />
<br />
(scrolling my phone)<br />
<br />
"Oh, wait! <br />
I have a flash card on this one."<br />
<br />
Because E wrote out a flash card detailing this book she wanted, <br />
and put it in my purse.<br />
She knows how to manage me.<br />
<br />
I proffer my flash card, <br />
which says:<br />
<br />
"Out Of My Mind. <br />
<br />
The cover has a fish jumping out of a bowl."<br />
<br />
<img alt="Displaying FullSizeRender.jpg" aria-hidden="true" class="aLF-aPX-J1-J3" height="155" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=58020a359d&view=fimg&th=14a40f4e09c9d98e&attid=0.1&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ86iU35iu9IteveThQwezy5JvGrpB3bKa_AaMqtRGCqUq5KYQC6w0LLKNMlPFhU0wcaGduZUp3nzmAncjcJUZoJz20AOavHAX9xmYKIToRK99BeJqYff0KJi84&ats=1418429107960&rm=14a40f4e09c9d98e&zw&sz=w1646-h761" width="200" /><br />
<br />
I show this to the dude.<br />
<br />
And cringe, <br />
waiting for the Metaphor Mayhem.<br />
<br />
"This really judges a book by its cover!"<br />
<br />
Which of course he says.<br />
<br />
And I say:<br />
<br />
"No, seriously. <br />
This is a description of the book's cover. <br />
It would be awesome if we could go find it?"<br />
<br />
(Note: <br />
It does not occur to me to ditch this dude.<br />
Because?<br />
While infuriating, <br />
he is helping me find the books.<br />
<br />
And also distracting me from buying everything I see,<br />
and think I need,<br />
because I am addled from the gym,<br />
and carpool before that.)<br />
<br />
We find the book.<br />
<br />
To no one's surprise, <br />
it does indeed have a fish jumping out of a bowl on the cover.<br />
<br />
And to no one's surprise,<br />
Dude is like:<br />
<br />
"Wow. <br />
That is just what she said. <br />
Way to judge a book by its cover."<br />
<br />
And FYI, <br />
I really don't think he was just purposefully antagonizing me for sport.<br />
<br />
He kind of had a zealot's glee about him.<br />
<br />
Like, <br />
he had been waiting for a long time to trot out the book/cover thing, <br />
and I was the lucky recipient of pent-up Metaphor Mayhem.<br />
<br />
Ug.<br />
<br />
But, yay!<br />
<br />
V's list is next, <br />
and she is as concise as her sister is verbose.<br />
<br />
First up:<br />
<br />
Me: <br />
<br />
"This daughter wants Stephen King's The Stand."<br />
<br />
(Thinking, Ha HA!!! <br />
Book and author, <br />
take that!<br />
You cannot wreak metaphor havoc on this one.)<br />
<br />
And Dude was kind of glum about this.<br />
<br />
Too easy a task, <br />
finding a giant book in a section of giant books written by famous author.<br />
<br />
He perks up at the next item on the list. <br />
<br />
Me:<br />
<br />
(scrolling phone)<br />
"Horns. <br />
It is written by Stephen King's son, <br />
but he doesn't use that last name."<br />
<br />
Dude is like:<br />
<br />
"Well how will we find it?"<br />
<br />
And at this point, <br />
I have no idea what to do with this guy.<br />
<br />
He is the opposite of helpful.<br />
<br />
Except, <br />
he is aggravating me enough to keep me from buying ten travel journals.<br />
So silver lining?<br />
<br />
But there is no father/son book display, <br />
and Dude is flummoxed as to how we are going to find this book.<br />
<br />
I swear, <br />
they have computer things to look this up.<br />
Horns isn't that common of a name.<br />
<br />
So I was like:<br />
<br />
"I am pretty sure they made a movie of this book.<br />
And I think the guy who played Harry Potter is in it.<br />
I think we should look for a book with Daniel Radcliffe on it,<br />
with horns growing out of his head."<br />
<br />
And, <br />
wait for it:<br />
<br />
Dude:<br />
<br />
"Whoa, <br />
you totally judged a book by its cover before seeing it!"<br />
<br />
Me: <br />
<br />
"That makes even less sense than the other stuff you have been saying.<br />
I am guessing at a cover of a book I have not seen or read.<br />
<br />
I am trying to find and buy it,<br />
because my daughter wants to read it.<br />
<br />
I am not judging it.<br />
I don't know the first thing about it."<br />
<br />
Dude,<br />
all smug like I just proved his point,<br />
and he sank my Battleship?:<br />
<br />
"Exactly."<br />
<br />
Me:<br />
<br />
"Are you doing this on purpose?"<br />
<br />
Dude:<br />
<br />
"What?"<br />
<br />
Me:<br />
<br />
"Ug. <br />
Let's look for Harry Potter with horns."<br />
<br />
And lo and behold!<br />
<br />
Horns has Harry Potter with horns on the cover.<br />
<br />
I do not even know what to do at this point.<br />
<br />
I am afraid he is going to start More Metaphor Mashup and Mangling.<br />
<br />
I can barely handle the book/cover thing.<br />
<br />
I consider snatching Horns and running off, <br />
now that I have the books I have been tasked with purchasing.<br />
<br />
But there is no way I can do that.<br />
<br />
I would not know how the story ended!<br />
<br />
Just like I have a personal rule to finish every book I start,<br />
I have a rule to use my Pretend Ph.D. in People Watching for sociological purposes, <br />
and I cannot cut bait now.<br />
<br />
Plus?<br />
<br />
I need Dude to walk me to the line to check out, <br />
so I won't buy anything random.<br />
<br />
And so, <br />
upon seeing Harry Potter with horns?<br />
<br />
Dude:<br />
<br />
"Can I tell my manager about this? <br />
I have never seen somebody judge a book by its cover before seeing the cover. <br />
This is crazy."<br />
<br />
Me:<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry, I need to leave,<br />
can I please get you to walk me to the checkout line? <br />
<br />
I am at risk of buying origami kits or something.<br />
Also, <br />
I swear.<br />
That phrase does not mean what you think it means."<br />
<br />
Dude:<br />
<br />
"Ok, cool. It will be our secret."<br />
<br />
I start wondering if he even works at the bookstore.<br />
<br />
But I check out, <br />
no rogue purchases frantically made at the wicked Godiva and nightlight station.<br />
<br />
And I flee.<br />
<br />
And in case anyone is counting, this is Reason 1,493,574 Why I Want An Intern.<br />
I can't take Metaphor Mayhem on an empty stomach.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-24880041329101807012014-11-14T18:40:00.000-08:002014-11-14T18:40:18.818-08:00Who Says Scrabble Isn't Violent? And Also, Violent Is An Excellent Scrabble Word! Advice, by Allison.So, the girls are home from school.<br />
And there is no responsible adult to govern us.<br />
<br />
And I am feeling like a Pioneer, <br />
or at least a Parent Who Pays Attention To Stuff?<br />
<br />
So I declare, <br />
as we arrive home:<br />
<br />
"We are having a wholesome, <br />
no electronics,<br />
or things that plug in,<br />
or make beeps,<br />
afternoon.<br />
<br />
Tell all your friends we did this, <br />
and also your teachers."<br />
<br />
E: "Your Kindle is electronic."<br />
<br />
Me: "Not really. <br />
It is magical."<br />
<br />
(Proof: <a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/07/what-nourishes-me-destroys-me-or.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/07/what-nourishes-me-destroys-me-or.html</a> )<br />
<br />
V: "Mom, it has a cord. <br />
That plugs in to electrical outlet."<br />
<br />
Me: "Whatever. <br />
Kindles are the exception. <br />
<br />
If you all want to read on your Kindles, <br />
fine by me."<br />
<br />
E: "You broke all of our Kindles."<br />
<br />
Me: (Internally): <br />
Drat. <br />
That is kind of true.<br />
<br />
Me: (Out loud):<br />
"That is not totally true. <br />
<br />
One is very finicky and obstinate. <br />
The other one is playing hard to get."<br />
<br />
V: "What about the rest of them?"<br />
<br />
Me: "Not relevant. <br />
<br />
Find a board game or a book."<br />
<br />
The following ensues:<br />
<br />
Who Says Scrabble Isn't Violent? <br />
And Also, Violent Is An Excellent Scrabble Word! <br />
Advice, by Allison:<br />
<br />
1. E finds her book and reads. <br />
This is delightful to me, <br />
but I don't say that.<br />
<br />
Because I am not throwing a parade for someone reading a book, <br />
you are supposed to do that,<br />
and in fact, <br />
it is way better than watching reruns of Full House, <br />
because?<br />
WTF??? <br />
<br />
Why is that show mesmerizing, <br />
so far past its shelf life?<br />
<br />
I am thrown off by the mullets, <br />
and cannot process the rest of it.<br />
<br />
<br />
2. I digress.<br />
V and M pull out the Scrabble board.<br />
<br />
Also delightful!<br />
<br />
3. V then says M does not know how to play Scrabble.<br />
<br />
I am all,<br />
<br />
"Teach her, then.<br />
Or, you can do other wholesome activity like tending to the fields. <br />
Which means cleaning up after the dogs outside."<br />
<br />
4. Scrabble lesson immediately begins.<br />
<br />
5. And I am all, <br />
I can be Pioneer Gold Star Parent too! <br />
I will cook stuff!<br />
<br />
6. But then, I hear bickering.<br />
<br />
7. It is loud.<br />
<br />
8. I say, <br />
as I am all Gold Star cooking stuff for real : <br />
<br />
"I hear violence.<br />
There is no violence in Scrabble."<br />
<br />
9. I am totally lying.<br />
<br />
Anyone who has played Scrabble with someone who uses a timer?<br />
<br />
Or owns a Scrabble Dictionary?<br />
<br />
Or carries their Scrabble in velvet wrappings?<br />
<br />
knows this:<br />
<br />
There is absolutely violence in Scrabble.<br />
<br />
If your opponent cares too much, <br />
play out your letters.<br />
<br />
Flee.<br />
Scram.<br />
Short words that aren't Scrabble bonanzas,<br />
but who cares.<br />
<br />
Retreat, it is not worth it.<br />
Go read on your Kindle.<br />
<br />
Nobody should scrapple over Scrabble.<br />
<br />
10. But, it is my duty to give Scrabble tips, right?<br />
<br />
11. So I was like, <br />
"Girls? <br />
There is no violence in Scrabble. <br />
<br />
If you need to burn off energy?<br />
Play Twister or clean up the backyard.<br />
Otherwise, <br />
no violent Scrabble."<br />
<br />
12. But I have to properly parent.<br />
<br />
13. So I follow up with <br />
"But violent is a really good Scrabble word.<br />
V's are hard to work in, <br />
and can be very helpful in a triple word score."<br />
<br />
14. V : "Don't insult my letter."<br />
<br />
15. Me : "Ug. <br />
Stop being ridiculous. <br />
V's are unicorns, <br />
only trumped by X or something."<br />
<br />
16. E : (Who is supposed to be reading,<br />
and is not playing Scrabble,<br />
and all this unplugged family fun is going downhill fast)<br />
<br />
"So you are saying E is not as special?"<br />
<br />
17. Me: (Internally ): <br />
Ug. <br />
I should have let them watch TV. <br />
John Stamos,<br />
or those Olsen twins?<br />
<br />
They could have had a life lesson all wrapped up,<br />
in the time it is taking me to deal with this.<br />
<br />
18. Me : (Out loud) :<br />
"Really? <br />
We are going to have a whole thing over the first letter in our names?<br />
I am not adequately caffeinated to sort this out.<br />
<br />
There are more E's than V's in Scrabble. <br />
More vowels than consonants.<br />
If you consult a dictionary, <br />
which I always advise unless you are playing Scrabble,<br />
because that is a total buzzkill thing to do?<br />
<br />
More vowels.<br />
Not a bad thing.<br />
<br />
And not at all why any of you have your names,<br />
and this is becoming a very cumbersome <br />
Wholesome No Electronics Afternoon.<br />
<br />
19. I am on Nineteen? <br />
Really, already?<br />
<br />
That was what my afternoon was like.<br />
<br />
Anyway, <br />
My Gold Star Pioneer Parenting?<br />
Turned into the Geneva Convention.<br />
Or Judge Judy.<br />
<br />
<br />
20. Me: "V and M, <br />
no stealing all the E's from the Scrabble board. <br />
I will know you did it.<br />
<br />
And E,<br />
no stealing them and using them in a monogram thing,<br />
or to frame your sisters.<br />
<br />
I will know you did it."<br />
<br />
21. Me again: "And V and M, <br />
no stealing your own letters from the Scrabble board.<br />
I will know you did it.<br />
<br />
And E, <br />
no stealing their letters. <br />
I will know you did it."<br />
<br />
22. Clearly, <br />
Scrabble is no longer happening.<br />
<br />
23. I stopped cooking stuff, too.<br />
<br />
I am on 23 already, <br />
it only the afternoon.<br />
<br />
Exhibit Number XXXVI3 times ten Why I Want An Intern.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-33885334183818636462014-11-05T16:24:00.001-08:002014-11-05T16:24:16.085-08:00Carpool Through The Decades! Or, How I Entertain Myself With Entertainment, by AllisonSo, today?<br />
Carpool Through The Decades!<br />
<br />
On my loop number 8 trillion infinity plus times extra,<br />
to get E to voice lesson today?<br />
<br />
Radio was clearly aware that I needed amusement and distraction -<br />
<br />
So that I would momentarily forget that I was basically driving in circles for the afternoon,<br />
after running in circles at the gym.<br />
<br />
I love it when my radio senses my mood and fixes it.<br />
<br />
PS: These photos were all taken at red lights,<br />
and I am not a hazard on the road.<br />
<br />
I am a total parking hazard, that is for sure.<br />
But photos at red lights only.<br />
<br />
<br />
First up?<br />
Middle school throwback,<br />
and only time I ever tried to learn German!<br />
<br />
<br />
<img alt="Displaying FullSizeRender.jpg" height="320" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=58020a359d&view=fimg&th=14981de809fd1c54&attid=0.1&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ_uGgRCKD-d86D7qk-oa2MBd_ZuBwFqt4HyPyB573UkJ3glc2J8uNPOpatoN15AP7lEeE7IjagJRZZUeSlEmgbPTasnM237HRE9CTF3EWSHsfNgDfD9GSGjtr8&ats=1415223193657&rm=14981de809fd1c54&zw&sz=w1656-h769" width="297" /><br />
<br />
99 Luftballons.<br />
<br />
Dancy!<br />
<br />
And also?<br />
Sad, and I think it was a protest song protesting something,<br />
but I was too busy trying to phonetically learn German and sing along,<br />
and missed that whole thing.<br />
<br />
And then?<br />
We hop up a decade<br />
(Or more.<br />
Not doing math.)<br />
<br />
Oooh!<br />
<br />
I love Lenny Kravitz.<br />
Late 90's, I think.<br />
(Too lazy to google.)<br />
<br />
<br />
<img alt="Displaying FullSizeRender.jpg" height="253" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=58020a359d&view=fimg&th=14981dfa852f975f&attid=0.1&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ9AXbCimr9jBgGRyeohD2U5V4Fq-JnXJhRAjYbejUMpMc3LRKHbkZngTmsPKiHVNqnw-WJOlBsTQv7j4zNntYFHLKV-Gvpgd1W-IeSO0oIrTM8EEM9vlRgLDbo&ats=1415223193636&rm=14981dfa852f975f&zw&sz=w1656-h769" width="320" /><br />
<br />
Matt used to protest that this song<br />
(Fly Away) misrepresented dragonflies,<br />
since they don't fly so very high into the sky,<br />
and instead,<br />
they skim water and surfaces.<br />
<br />
I told him dragonflies were gross,<br />
and alarmingly large for a bug,<br />
and had guts if they splatter,<br />
<br />
And it is nice of Lenny Kravitz to give them a shout out in his song.<br />
And I love Lenny Kravitz.<br />
And I Am Right.<br />
<br />
(Note: I must be right about the decade,<br />
because this was when<br />
Matt was still learning about the many ways in which I cannot be reasoned with rationally,<br />
When it comes to music, (etc . .)<br />
And What I Know To Be True, You Are Wasting Your Time,<br />
I Am Right.)<br />
<br />
<br />
Memory lane of fun!<br />
<br />
Ooh, next I am winding back,<br />
to a thrashy,<br />
discord punk memory lane!<br />
<br />
(That is why this picture is blurry.)<br />
<br />
Sonic Youth!<br />
<br />
Carpool Back To The Future Of Present Past?<br />
<br />
<br />
<img alt="Displaying FullSizeRender.jpg" height="266" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=58020a359d&view=fimg&th=14981dfa852f975f&attid=0.7&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ_EMcCEaXENLQqcl4OAIyE9M6xIuK7Cg8zpmOexc7Gu5fysg2_vqThUIuncxhdivAUcFLFot_7GyjrEXbJfArYaaRXhUVKP-RUrEaPBaugHpZu-3qfLDQIGGGQ&ats=1415223193637&rm=14981dfa852f975f&zw&sz=w1656-h769" width="320" /><br />
<br />
Followed by?<br />
<br />
More Adventures In Carpooling Through The Decades!<br />
<br />
To Right Now.<br />
<br />
Lurching Back To The Now<br />
Of Future Is Later<br />
And Past Has Already Happened?<br />
<br />
Like, This minute now.<br />
<br />
Can't Predict,<br />
But Guessing I Will Hear This Song A Lot Imagine Dragons New Song?<br />
<br />
<img alt="Displaying FullSizeRender.jpg" height="274" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=58020a359d&view=fimg&th=14981dfa852f975f&attid=0.9&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ-RP9mu63svS4Fv2pg2z9gLBuE7Ocn0ZlHDJD3qAck1sfI0hte2_bi6J4HbrBh1xsKk7DVm5uBFA3AW5P2D2h8QtANm-Kv__1IexQMqLuLIs19KF2UJ4h8Gqt0&ats=1415223193637&rm=14981dfa852f975f&zw&sz=w1656-h769" width="320" /><br />
<br />
Is stompy, clappy exact definition of current.<br />
<br />
Like a soap bubble shelf life.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But it's catchy! </div>
<div>
Currently.</div>
<br />
And I stayed in the now, because I love alt-J.<br />
Yay!<br />
<br />
I love alt-J.<br />
Left Hand Free.<br />
And I cannot get sick of this song,<br />
because this song is awesome.<br />
<br />
<img alt="Displaying FullSizeRender.jpg" height="261" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=58020a359d&view=fimg&th=14981dfa852f975f&attid=0.3&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ-P-dpjCYBJw2PWMaIUOunThnn79cbptigxyju_BZ7daTrb160MLK40SWucymlsLPBArpdKXCZHCryxGVt9zGPUrLVfdbwJu1SYGvjGZUGYgd1WPZ9ZgE51Fd0&ats=1415223193636&rm=14981dfa852f975f&zw&sz=w1656-h769" width="320" /><br />
<br />
Also, Left Hand Free?<br />
<br />
I am left handed.<br />
Gauche,<br />
Sinister,<br />
Whatever.<br />
<br />
I know French and Latin words for left handedness are thinly-veiled synonyms for evil-<br />
English translation:<br />
<br />
"Kevin Spacey Will Play The Definition Of This In Movies and TV."<br />
<br />
This may be true in other languages, too.<br />
I do not know,<br />
<br />
especially German,<br />
if it wasn't in a 1980's pop protest song I couldn't learn.<br />
<br />
All I know is,<br />
<br />
I was told in 5th grade I could only get a C or worse,<br />
if I wrote with the left handed hand crook thing.<br />
<br />
And I was,<br />
and am goal oriented,<br />
And prone to outrage.<br />
<br />
I practiced, forever,<br />
and since then,<br />
I have written with the paper straight and my hand straight,<br />
give me my A plus and gold star,<br />
please.<br />
<br />
I can't do calligraphy or scoop ice cream,<br />
but I am not sure if that is because I am left handed,<br />
or just am indifferent to calligraphy and ice cream.<br />
<br />
I agree with all the stuff where left handed people are the best,<br />
most smartest, etc.<br />
<br />
I am not sold on the benefits of left handedness in tennis, though.<br />
Growing up,<br />
I think famous tennis players were left handed?<br />
<br />
I don't know.<br />
I was hopeful, taking tennis lessons.<br />
<br />
Except for the tennis shoes part,<br />
but I wore the stupid shoes and white outfit,<br />
and I think I had barrettes to match.<br />
<br />
And I got fired in fourth grade,<br />
after one tennis lesson.<br />
<br />
For real,<br />
<br />
The tennis coach said "Find a new sport."<br />
<br />
Unfortunately for him,<br />
my new sport was -<br />
Remembering This Forever.<br />
<br />
I was all,<br />
<br />
"Fine.<br />
I don't like things coming at my face anyway.<br />
I was all for the outfits.<br />
But you are mean.<br />
I will take more dance classes,<br />
and add on<br />
Telling Everyone Ever Forevermore<br />
How You Made Me Feel Awful<br />
And Left Handed Means Awesome,<br />
So There,<br />
as an extra sport. "<br />
<br />
And I can wear whatever shoes I want!<br />
<br />
And as a reminder of that era?<br />
<br />
Back to the 80's!<br />
Love & Rockets!<br />
<br />
<img alt="Displaying FullSizeRender.jpg" height="293" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=58020a359d&view=fimg&th=14981dfa852f975f&attid=0.5&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ-YJzkwPK_55WUgPxbPan3pz_NNQ1dDcbX2WYWwI8gjTJanZvCTloWIxUR8VSY1fFKsZFTtf3STz3k5EXtArhCB41oW5Ps_lZrvOeTbMCSFc5yaRUIeGQSvP7g&ats=1415223193636&rm=14981dfa852f975f&zw&sz=w1656-h769" width="320" /><br />
<br />
Break out the keyboards and nostalgia.<br />
<br />
And then,<br />
song from band we all now have on our iThis or iThats,<br />
whether we like it or not!<br />
<br />
<img alt="Displaying FullSizeRender.jpg" height="273" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=58020a359d&view=fimg&th=14981dffc6aabd12&attid=0.1&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ9OS-bYjysIAmhxraEqniMBq-jG10i6SFKOS0rwAavEznUPFFqeSnlVBPniJtxUAF4QkuUCzgJv69WP9jFXXGkBmtmo6mvzvBJLw60TauOOPe8Szv61tJhkyEk&ats=1415223193615&rm=14981dffc6aabd12&zw&sz=w1656-h769" width="320" /><br />
<br />
I am mercurial when it comes to U2.<br />
<br />
I like their B side stuff.<br />
(When things used to be on records or tapes,<br />
Ye Olden Days.<br />
I am not doing math,<br />
but whatever.)<br />
<br />
The non-giant, angsty ballad anthems.<br />
<br />
I like the twisty, quiet angst ones.<br />
<br />
And speaking of angst?<br />
<br />
<br />
<img alt="Displaying FullSizeRender.jpg" height="320" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=58020a359d&view=fimg&th=14981dffc6aabd12&attid=0.3&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ_ZMa1hupjAhhnAq3ZoYjJweM57YCQG8I09ZPDRRsfIi7bRn2CJY5MVarO4xwywQOS4UxQI1cSADNdj1oanp6zSLurm9QRnTpK2_qGzc5ORKHHPbzAhj_T84No&ats=1415223193616&rm=14981dffc6aabd12&zw&sz=w1656-h769" width="298" /><br />
<br />
Ack!<br />
<br />
I flicked the station before finding out if this was his more recent collaboration stuff,<br />
that I don't want to hear,<br />
or those old,<br />
creepy spoken-word recitations of Mr. Tambourine Man or Rocket Man,<br />
that I don't want to hear.<br />
<br />
Because?<br />
I think they may be hypnotic trance things to get me to like Star Trek,<br />
and that is not happening.<br />
<br />
(Note: The rest of my house, and I guess,<br />
intergalactic galaxies?<br />
are free to like Star Trek.<br />
<br />
I can't do it,<br />
because for me,<br />
it triggers spontaneous narcolepsy.<br />
<br />
That may be a gift to the other people in my house and intergalactic galaxies.<br />
<br />
Because it shuts me up before I can start in on the outfits,<br />
and the bad haircuts,<br />
and is this the one with the Reading Rainbows guy,<br />
or the kid from Stand By Me?<br />
Is That Winona Ryder?<br />
And. . zzzzzzz.)<br />
<br />
Maybe this is a totally different musical thing.<br />
Indie or throwback band I don't know about?<br />
<br />
I was not risking listening to find out.<br />
<br />
I can't sleep and drive at the same time.<br />
<br />
<br />
Good news for me!<br />
<br />
By the time I flicked back around stations-<br />
<br />
(Note: While driving safely,<br />
and only taking pictures at red lights.<br />
I am adept at screeching and changing the station while driving,<br />
<br />
Also car dancing,<br />
<br />
But I can barely use .0002 percent of the mysterious features on my new iThingy,<br />
when sitting still.)<br />
<br />
Yo La Tengo!<br />
<br />
Random delight.<br />
<br />
<img alt="Displaying FullSizeRender.jpg" height="320" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=58020a359d&view=fimg&th=14981dffc6aabd12&attid=0.5&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ8UrN_vAYcCWbmJCzHczQGPzteQHRVnYfTTmtnNILJKL-67MBIgGfweIjjmvnQfoEQYspsupIZR-EN3r6eD4HA4JfactxMphpNe4ETdBtF9YPfTaSJvBsUqdXo&ats=1415223193616&rm=14981dffc6aabd12&zw&sz=w1656-h769" width="320" /><br />
<br />
<br />
Cherry Chapstick.<br />
Liked it then.<br />
<br />
(Not doing math,<br />
but there is at least a decade involved?<br />
Too lazy to google.<br />
This is why I want an intern.)<br />
<br />
Like it now.<br />
<br />
All's well that ends well.<br />
<br />
E got to her voice lesson,<br />
things got busy around here,<br />
and I just now looked at my new,<br />
shiny,<br />
mysterious iThingy,<br />
and wondered why I took all those pictures of the radio.<br />
<br />
And then I remembered!<br />
<br />
Carpool Through The Decades!<br />
<br />
That is exhausting, you know.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-52556000586937873152014-10-31T14:53:00.000-07:002014-10-31T14:53:03.409-07:00Don't Wait Until Halloween To Buy Candy Or Abraham Lincoln Might Yell At You. Holiday Shopping Advice, by AllisonSo, I guess the past few years,<br />
I have been busy fighting the Harlot versus Hermione <br />
Halloween costume wars negotiating costumes for my daughters?<br />
<br />
(Proof!: <a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/09/trick-or-treat-depends-on-year.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/09/trick-or-treat-depends-on-year.html</a>)<br />
<br />
And so have been too distracted to notice what day I buy Halloween candy?<br />
<br />
I could have sworn I always buy it on Halloween, <br />
since there is no need for giant bags of candy in our house, <br />
ever.<br />
<br />
This was identified early on, <br />
when in a state of Deranged Early Parenthood,<br />
Matt hand-fed toddler V M & M's, <br />
so she could fully experience her first lunatic sugar rush,<br />
and subsequent histrionics?<br />
<br />
She was an adorable giraffe,<br />
(she loved that costume), <br />
until she was a Deranged Adorable Giraffe, <br />
running in circles,<br />
for 45 minutes, <br />
squealing "Wheeeeeee!"<br />
<br />
It was very cute, for 10 seconds.<br />
It became much less cute after a while.<br />
<br />
And since I was due to have second soon-to-be-trick-or-treating child soon, <br />
I put: <br />TOO MUCH CANDY IS BAD<br />
in my "things to remember" file in my head.<br />
<br />
And really, anyone with sticky, glassy-eyed,<br />
candy-addled,<br />
deranged children learns that at some point.<br />
<br />
And in our house?<br />
<br />
"The dogs ate it" lie I tell?<br />
<br />
When all the candy gets sent to Matt's office?<br />
<br />
Or thrown away,<br />
if I feel like the girls might wear him down and stash candy?<br />
<br />
We know it is me, <br />
but whatever.<br />
<br />
The ridiculous,<br />
immediate Christmas stuff all over the place is helpful as a distraction.<br />
<br />
But somehow the acquiring of Halloween candy,<br />
to hand out to adorable trick or treating kids?<br />
<br />
(Note: <br />
And NOT to the grown dudes on their cell phones,<br />
not in costume,<br />
holding out a CVS bag.<br />
<br />
Unless it is the end of the night,<br />
and I want to get rid of the candy.)<br />
<br />
I guess I did not actually wait until the day of Halloween to buy it.<br />
<br />
Until now.<br />
<br />
Lesson Learned.<br />
<br />
And since I am a benevolent benefactor, I will share the absurdity of my day:<br />
<br />
Trick or Treat? <br />
Or Total Hell At Target For Two Hours? <br />
<br />
Don't Wait Until Halloween To Buy Candy Or Abraham Lincoln Might Yell At You. <br />
Advice by Allison:<br />
<br />
1. So today on the way to school,<br />
my girls remind me to buy Halloween candy, <br />
since they are aware there is none in our house yet.<br />
<br />
Me: "I know. <br />
You are all in costumes, <br />
there are pumpkins, I will get candy."<br />
<br />
E: "Don't get the gross kind. <br />
Get good candy or it will be embarrassing."<br />
<br />
Me: "I always get good candy. <br />
You just don't know that, <br />
because I give it all away before you get home from trick-or-treating."<br />
<br />
E: "You are mean."<br />
<br />
Me: "Agreed."<br />
<br />
M: "Get enough candy. We always run out."<br />
<br />
Me: "No, we don't. <br />
I just give giant handfuls to the last few people, <br />
so we get rid of the candy. <br />
You guys come home with giant bags of candy. <br />
You are fine."<br />
<br />
M: "You are mean."<br />
<br />
Me: "Agreed."<br />
<br />
V: "I'm going to be at a sleepover, so whatever."<br />
<br />
2. And though I am painting myself as a total buzzkill,<br />
bah humbug Halloween person?<br />
<br />
I'm really not.<br />
<br />
And I have done secret case studies for years! <br />
(I am a scientist and sociologist, you know)<br />
where I put their candy in a bowl one shelf up from their height,<br />
but visible?<br />
And it is interesting to them, <br />
for like, <br />
a week.<br />
Then they totally forget about it, <br />
and I start throwing it out.<br />
<br />
But I leave some in, and it stays until Easter, <br />
and rinse, repeat.<br />
<br />
For years. <br />
Like, more years than I want to add up.<br />
<br />
But?<br />
<br />
I could have sworn I always waited until Halloween to get candy.<br />
<br />
3. But apparently? <br />
I am a bit hazy on my timeline.<br />
<br />
4. Because?<br />
Today, <br />
which is Halloween?<br />
And I go to Target for candy?<br />
<br />
5. Bedlam.<br />
<br />
6. It was hard to find a parking spot, weird.<br />
<br />
7. Weirder, no carts.<br />
<br />
8. Weirder still, there were like, <br />
total empty areas of the store.<br />
<br />
9. The newly-stocked Christmas stuff was plush and shiny <br />
(Note: I will save that rant for later) -<br />
<br />
and it is not like I was looking for costumes, <br />
or decorations, <br />
or anything but candy.<br />
<br />
Which they have giant aisles of at Target, <br />
year round.<br />
<br />
I am aware, <br />
because of the thing of candy aisles are near the toy area.<br />
<br />
And that is Danger Zone.<br />
<br />
In which I only enter solo, <br />
or else my children turn into savage vampire feral wild things, <br />
regardless of season.<br />
<br />
10. I can find no candy.<br />
<br />
I can find kind of dazed, <br />
After The Rapture If The Rapture Was About Candy, <br />
Left Behind looking people, <br />
roaming around.<br />
<br />
I can find an Abraham Lincoln, <br />
appropriately attired, <br />
and accompanied by a tiny Spiderman.<br />
<br />
That would have been a charming little scene of whimsical costume mashup,<br />
if Abraham Lincoln hadn't had a rage issue over the lack of candy.<br />
<br />
I tend to think of Abraham Lincoln as having a gentler tone.<br />
<br />
11. Also there is a dude wandering a round yelling "VERA!" at the top of his lungs, <br />
every two minutes.<br />
<br />
Often enough that other candy-seeking scavengers were discussing him.<br />
<br />
Was he lost?<br />
<br />
Was he looking for someone named Vera?<br />
<br />
Was he hoarding all the candy and eating it and acting deranged as a result?<br />
<br />
My theory was: <br />
"Method actor. <br />
Thinks he is in A Streetcar Named Desire <br />
(he was wearing a white t-shirt, I was thinking Stanley Kowalski-ish.)<br />
<br />
He has not actually read or seen that play, though, <br />
and doesn't realize he is supposed to be hollering "STELLA!"<br />
<br />
That actually made me super-sad for some reason.<br />
<br />
I could have ruminated on that for a while, <br />
but?<br />
<br />
12. An actual Candyman came!<br />
Like, <br />
not a horror movie, <br />
since it already felt like one.<br />
<br />
A guy with a dolly roller thing.<br />
Full of candy boxes.<br />
<br />
And he was descended upon, like, <br />
well, a horror movie.<br />
<br />
Night of The Locusts, <br />
Dawn of The Dead, <br />
anything zombie or famine oriented?<br />
<br />
13. Lucky for me, <br />
he had a lot of candy to throw at the foolish, late candy shoppers.<br />
<br />
14. Unlucky for me,<br />
the line to check out was worse than school supplies,<br />
or Christmas-not-too-early-but-before-all-the-good-stuff-is-gone time.<br />
<br />
15. I had time to read a whole magazine, <br />
and text around about how lame it was at Target.<br />
(Multi-tasking)<br />
<br />
16. And I was so desperate to escape?<br />
I was throwing bags in my car a bit too enthusiastically?<br />
Desperately?<br />
<br />
Whatever my mood,<br />
it led to me breaking a case of Diet Coke open, <br />
and more than one can split,<br />
and sprayed Diet Coke all over my hard-won candy.<br />
<br />
I could hear it fizzling all over the place,<br />
as I drove home.<br />
<br />
17. And I was hoping maybe it wouldn't be that bad.<br />
<br />
But it was bad.<br />
<br />
18. Lucky for the trick or treaters, <br />
the candy was in bags.<br />
and is not extra spiked with caffeine on top of sugar and additives.<br />
<br />
19. And the moral of my story is?<br />
Not sure.<br />
<br />
Don't wait until the last minute when candy is involved?<br />
<br />
Even Abraham Lincoln can get deranged when deprived of candy?<br />
<br />
I would have time to figure this out, if I had an intern.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-32000230831387510972014-10-11T15:21:00.001-07:002014-10-11T15:21:12.020-07:00As You Wish? I Totally Wished!! And Now Princess Bride Behind The Scenes Book? Happy Birthday To Me, by AllisonUm, in case it is still up for debate?<br />
Which it shouldn't be, <br />
considering my Exhibits A-Z Infinity Plus?<br />
<br />
On Proof I have Superpowers?<br />
<br />
I have more proof!!<br />
<br />
Please note that for the record.<br />
Whatever record, if there is such a thing.<br />
<br />
If there is not such a thing?<br />
There should totally be a thing.<br />
And I want credit.<br />
<br />
Because?<br />
Last year for my birthday <br />
(Or because that is when the book was published. <br />
But I choose to believe it was for my birthday, <br />
and I am always right. )<br />
<br />
One Mr. John Taylor of Duran Duran wrote his autobiography.<br />
Which was super cool of him to do, for my birthday and all.<br />
Proof!<br />( <a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/12/dear-john-taylor-thank-you-fan-letter.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/12/dear-john-taylor-thank-you-fan-letter.html</a>)<br />
<br />
And what a glorious, nostalgic,<br />
without being stale,<br />
or past its shelf life book -<br />
<br />
It could have gone wrong in so many ways, <br />
and it did not!<br />
<br />
Which is a perfect birthday present for me, <br />
actually.<br />
<br />
And now?<br />
<br />
As we enter the Season Allison and M <br />
(my youngest daughter and also Advocate of Autumn) <br />
declare as Celebration Of Us, <br />
And Also The Clothes Are Better?<br />
Proof!<br />
(<a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/09/all-hail-changing-of-closet-or-it-is.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/09/all-hail-changing-of-closet-or-it-is.html</a>)<br />
<br />
I have another birthday <br />
(Note: But I am still very, very young) -<br />
<br />
And what do my wondering eyes should appear?<br />
<br />
(Spoiler!!! Not Santa and tiny reindeer. Different season.)<br />
<br />
Another book totally aimed at the target audience of me.<br />
<br />
(And great timing, by the way. <br />
Because my Kindle,<br />
or Matt's Fraudulent Second Deranged Kindle, <br />
is misbehaving.<br />
So I need an actual book.)<br />
<br />
<em>As You Wish</em>, <br />
behind the scenes of the making of The Princess Bride?<br />
<br />
Written by Cary Elwes ?<br />
(Dreamy Wesley With Excellent Hair, <br />
Dread Pirate Roberts, Mostly Dead, True Love, etc?)<br />
<br />
<img alt="As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of The Princess Bride" class="product-image image img book" data-expand-image="1" height="394" id="rnd-1070204206" itemprop="image" src="http://img2.imagesbn.com/p/9781476764023_p0_v4_s260x420.JPG" width="260" /><br />
<br />
I do not yet own this book ,<br />
but the lovely emergency shipping people are working on that right now.<br />
<br />
And since I finally got my girls to watch The Princess Bride,<br />
which was a top parenting goal of mine, <br />
yay to check that off of my non-list?<br />
<br />
And they love it too?<br />
<br />
Maybe it will be family heirloom.<br />
<br />
I really hope it is good, <br />
if it sucks that would totally suck.<br />
<br />
I have a good feeling about this, though.<br />
<br />
And since it magically appeared at my birthday?<br />
<br />
Totally proof I have superpowers, just saying.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-47282376231477830642014-09-10T18:29:00.001-07:002014-09-10T18:29:33.484-07:00Hissy Fits And British Accents Save The Day! It Wasn't My Fault, Anyway, by AllisonSo in case it is still up for debate, <br />
I Have Magical Superpowers. <br />
I have just proven my own theory to be totally true.<br />
<br />
Does that count for a Nobel Prize?<br />
Sainthood or Miracle?<br />
Gold Star?<br />
Smiley Face Sticker?<br />
<br />
I will take anything, really. <br />
Other than ridicule.<br />
<br />
My superpowers are not solely limited to music summoning via outfit choice, FYI.<br />
Yes, I wore a flannel shirt and now Pearl Jam is touring.<br />
But get this?<br />
<br />
I am also a technological genius.<br />
<br />
Anyone who has ever had to witness,<br />
come to my aid,<br />
fix,<br />
untangle,<br />
reboot,<br />
show me the off button,<br />
or all of the above?<br />
<br />
Since I cannot do anything technologically savvy <br />
(Or proficient. <br />
Or trained or untrained monkeys can do it)<br />
at all, <br />
this may sound like a ludicrous and delusional claim.<br />
<br />
I get that.<br />
<br />
I had to have my hand held,<br />
and step-by-step instructions given by Very Patient Technologically Astute Friend,<br />
to even start this blog.<br />
<br />
In fact,<br />
I am not only incompetent when it comes to increasingly kind of different but how, exactly?<br />
iThis or iThats?<br />
<br />
I may possibly be allergic to them, <br />
or repel them in some way,<br />
that leads them to run and hide in places that make no sense,<br />
like the freezer or in my purse,<br />
where I already checked fifty times,<br />
so some sort of evil machinations are afoot.<br />
<br />
I am not paranoid, technology hates me. <br />
I have proof!<br />
<br />
A Short(ish) Summation of The Ways In Which I Wreck Stuff With Batteries or Cords or Electronic Components, It Was Not My Fault! by Allison:<br />
<br />
1. My TV went out during Power Station's performance at Live Aid in 1984. <br />
<br />
Power Station, featuring one Mr. John Taylor of Duran Duran, <br />
and they were also going to perform. <br />
I was and am a Fan. <br />
My TV stopped working, <br />
the cable went out, <br />
and I became deranged with thoughts of missing their sure to be brilliant performance. <br />
<br />
So, I threw a hissy fit of such proportions that my sister took photos of the detritus with her Polaroid camera. <br />
A camera I couldn't work at ALL, <br />
to use in my defense after I cleaned up my fit evidence.<br />
It was not my fault. <br />
Stupid cable was wonky in the suburbs in 1984.<br />
Also I cleaned up, so there.<br />
<br />
2. My mom's Audi <br />
(Note: The kind that 60 Minutes TV Show,<br />
or whatever,<br />
proved was a crazy car,<br />
that randomly drove away from its owners and wrecked stuff,<br />
and Mike Wallace made very serious, sad faces about it,<br />
so IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. )<br />
<br />
car was computerized, not so much as K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider, <br />
that would have been cool.<br />
But it had buttons and things,<br />
and one controlled the seat adjustment. <br />
Lovely feature on a car, <br />
except?<br />
When I drove it,<br />
the seat thingy went insane.<br />
Like, it went from Setting One,<br />
to Setting Scary Carnival Ride Controlled By A Doofus Who Is Not Paying Attention.<br />
<br />
And the seat back would fling backward and forwards,<br />
thunking me in the back, <br />
and the seat I was sitting on went forward and backward,<br />
making it VERY hard to drive.<br />
<br />
It may have been a fun carnival ride, but I didn't push that button.<br />
I just wanted legroom.<br />
<br />
Also whenever I pushed any button on it,<br />
nothing happened,<br />
other than the car smelled exactly like wonton soup.<br />
Not My Fault.<br />
Google it.<br />
<br />
3. My traitorous word processor dot matrix computer thing ATE my honors thesis in college. <br />
<br />
It ate it. <br />
<br />
I was almost done with this long, <br />
footnoted opus, and the computer ATE it.<br />
<br />
Fine, NO, I did not save every three minutes, <br />
I feel like that is the computer's job, mine is to write the thing. <br />
I wrote it.<br />
Computer-ish thing totally failed on its end of the deal.<br />
It was not my fault, at ALL.<br />
<br />
Luckily there were no witnesses with Polaroid cameras taking photos of that fit. <br />
It was a doozy.<br />
And also, not my fault.<br />
<br />
4. The Great Air Conditioner Leakage of 1995: <br />
<br />
In law school, one year my friends and I lived in a house that was kind of charming and near school, and had excellent backyard for parties. <br />
<br />
We did not know it was also evil.<br />
<br />
My room had an A/C unit in the window, <br />
and, FYI, I not only repel technology,<br />
I lack basic functioning spacial relations skills and reasoning capabilities.<br />
<br />
So I set up my music directly under that A/C unit. <br />
<br />
My music, <br />
ALL my bootlegs from a billion shows plus all the mixtapes I had ever made or received, <br />
pretty much my prized possessions.<br />
<br />
So I put them under an old creaky A/C unit. <br />
Because it fit there and looked cute.<br />
<br />
And as old creaky A/C units are wont to do, it leaked. <br />
All over my music. <br />
All of it. <br />
Ruined. <br />
Gone.<br />
Forever. <br />
I have yet to recover. <br />
I may never fully heal.<br />
<br />
And granted, I am the spacially challenged person who placed all those treasures under the A/C, because really,<br />
it did look cute and there was nowhere else to put it-<br />
<br />
But I didn't make the A/C leak, causing The Great Air Conditioner Leakage of 1995.<br />
At least, not that I know of.<br />
I may have gotten grumpy and pushed buttons if it was hot out.<br />
<br />
Fine.<br />
It was like, .001 percent my fault.<br />
Mostly I was the victim here.<br />
<br />
5. Wisdom has not come along with age <br />
(Or has it??????????????????? <br />
Foreshadowing here.<br />
Plus also, I am still very, very young):<br />
<br />
I fry Kindles by crying on them, <br />
or dropping them while blowdrying my hair and reading upside down, <br />
or spilling tea on them repeatedly.<br />
<br />
Proof: (<a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/07/what-nourishes-me-destroys-me-or.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/07/what-nourishes-me-destroys-me-or.html</a>)<br />
<br />
I break phones in too many ways to list, <br />
I will just say that I have destroyed them with all of the elements at my disposal - <br />
earth, water, fire, air. <br />
(Note: Not Earth,Wind, and Fire, 1970's disco/soul band with gloriously festooned outfits.<br />
<br />
Subnote: <br />
I always wondered why they did not include Air in the band's name. <br />
Why only the three elements, was there a story there? <br />
I was driven to distraction by that elemental omission.<br />
I am still very curious.<br />
Is there a Behind The Music episode about that or something?<br />
If not, there should be.<br />
And if it becomes a thing, I want total credit. )<br />
<br />
I do not understand our remote for the TV in our kitchen, <br />
so I stand on our kitchen table with a large spoon,<br />
and poke at the buttons until it comes on.<br />
<br />
So of course, a few days ago, <br />
as I was attempting to put my mixtape I am making onto a flash or jump or whatever drive - <br />
the computer actually sighs, <br />
groans, <br />
and possibly says a swear word at me,<br />
before dying dramatically, <br />
kind of like Cleopatra minus the kohl eyeliner.<br />
<br />
It has done that before.<br />
I have witnesses, real live actual witnesses.<br />
Who will be like, "Weird. You are right. <br />
That thing just made a grumpy noise and started taking a nap."<br />
<br />
Totally not my fault.<br />
And if I try to summon help from sage advisors?<br />
<br />
I ask my daughters.<br />
The are Jedi Masters or Queen Extreme Supreme Extra Plus in Undoing What I Did.<br />
Also, They Are Clever Little Traitors Who Hijack My Stuff And Put Owls On It.<br />
<br />
And if they can't fix the thing?<br />
Not my fault, but NOT a good sign.<br />
<br />
First red flag.<br />
<br />
Second red flag?<br />
When Matt can't fix it, <br />
as he does very computery and techy things with cancer treatment machines and such,<br />
and usually can fix whatever dumb thing I did, <br />
unless the dumb thing involves puddles of water.<br />
<br />
This time, I am informed,<br />
after a few days of me twitching and saying mean things to the computer, <br />
then saying nice things, <br />
trying to get a read on what it wants from me, <br />
(Good Cop or Bad Cop?) <br />
<br />
Matt will take it to computer fixers next week.<br />
<br />
Anecdotal evidence, <br />
lack of bootleg jam band shows, <br />
and bills to phone stores and Kindle store reflect that I have no business attempting to solve a stupifying computer failure issue.<br />
<br />
Even one that TOTALLY was not my fault.<br />
<br />
But alas, I am not a patient person.<br />
<br />
Also, I cannot access any of my music with the computer being all hostile. <br />
<br />
So I decide to take matters into my own <br />
(Note: inept, corrosive, "Nooo, don't touch the red button!!!")<br />
hands.<br />
<br />
I decide to use the only tool I have left, <br />
since my family has abandoned me,<br />
and I am lone Don Quixote, <br />
tilting at windmills otherwise known as my ornery computer,<br />
that is now my nemesis. <br />
<br />
What tool, you may ask?<br />
<br />
And I may say,<br />
forlornly but with gleam in my eye like any good deluded fool -<br />
My only tool is this: <br />
Irrational Nonsense. <br />
<br />
I am very good at Irrational Nonsense.<br />
<br />
Once, back in ye olden days, <br />
we were listening to a book on tape during a long car ride,<br />
and the British lady reading it would advise when to switch the tapes. <br />
She also advised if the tape did not work, <br />
one should "smack it smartly, three times" upon the dashboard.<br />
<br />
That advice,<br />
in plummy, high-end British tone, <br />
amused me endlessly. <br />
<br />
In fact,<br />
the rest of the drive I replayed the advice and then smacked the tape smartly three times, <br />
rinse, repeat.<br />
<br />
And since then, <br />
(And also before then, <br />
but it was nice to have backup from posh, <br />
erudite British lady)<br />
"Smack it smartly three times" is one of the irrational nonsense repair attempts on any broken electronic or technologic or not-working-what-is-the-deal thing.<br />
<br />
So Matt is at cancer conference, <br />
the girls are frolicking outside, <br />
nobody is around to stop me from making an attempt to fix the computer.<br />
<br />
That is broken.<br />
And It Was Not My Fault.<br />
<br />
I begin my Irrational Nonsense with Phase 1.<br />
<br />
Phase 1: <br />
<br />
Unplug it, and put all the plugs in different places.<br />
<br />
Does not work. <br />
I move on to Phase 2.<br />
<br />
Phase 2: <br />
<br />
Shout expletives and insult the computer's mother and stomp my foot a lot.<br />
<br />
Does not work.<br />
Drat. <br />
Move on to Phase 3.<br />
<br />
Phase 3: <br />
Turn everything off,<br />
and count to thirty, <br />
using the One-Mississippi slow version, <br />
then turn back on.<br />
<br />
Does not work. <br />
<br />
It is about to get all Braveheart in here, on to Phase 4.<br />
<br />
Phase 4: <br />
<br />
Using British fancy lady accent, smack the thing smartly, three times. <br />
(Note: I added singing in Mary Poppins voice,<br />
"A Spoonful of Sugar Helps The Medicine Go Down",<br />
because it seemed both on-point,<br />
and subtly menacing)<br />
<br />
And guess what, <br />
people who read manuals,<br />
and follow appropriate measures,<br />
and do not hit,<br />
or kick,<br />
or sing at their computers?<br />
<br />
I WIN! <br />
I fixed it. <br />
It gave up. <br />
I'd like to think I kind of A Clockwork Orange terrorized it into behaving. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Or, it is a secret techy trick, <br />
you drop your computer off to be fixed, <br />
and they kick it a few times and bill you for it. <br />
<br />
Brilliant.<br />
<br />
Hurray! Whee! Tra la la.<br />
<br />
Especially validating, <br />
since it was not my fault the thing was broken, <br />
anyway.<br />
<br />
But must go, <br />
am off to kickbox the kitchen TV while talking like Julia Childs, <br />
dressed as a ninja. <br />
<br />
Totally will work. <br />
<br />
Or, you know, I could get an intern.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-43014997490922779482014-09-08T06:19:00.003-07:002014-09-08T06:19:47.306-07:00Wait, What? I'm In A Good Mood? On Monday? How Did That Happen? The Adventures Of RainDance Allison.So this morning, Monday morning, I am in a delightful and cheerful mood.<br />
Weird.<br />
<br />
Because this Monday, <br />
the day when our calendar is lit up like a Christmas tree with events,<br />
and volleyball, <br />
and Girl Scouts, <br />
and dance, <br />
and more dance, <br />
and where to be when?<br />
With which girl?<br />
Wearing what? <br />
And where do I park?<br />
<br />
That part of the Christmas tree calendar?<br />
That's just the afternoon.<br />
The morning part of the Festively Futile calendar is the special, <br />
Just For Me part.<br />
<br />
Which on Mondays?<br />
<br />
Doom.<br />
<br />
My Monday mornings are wretched.<br />
<br />
And not because I don't like Mondays, <br />
I actually like Mondays a whole bunch -<br />
the kids get dropped off at school, <br />
and they stay there!<br />
It's Trash Pickup Day, <br />
meaning I don't have to play Trash Tetris,<br />
trying to fit the detritus of our lives into proper receptacles!<br />
<br />
What's not to love?<br />
<br />
Oh, yeah. <br />
The Doom part.<br />
<br />
In which I willingly subject myself to :<br />
Very Terrible Hard Awful Overly Long Spin class,<br />
followed by?<br />
Oww, Are You Stabbing Me? Barre class. <br />
<br />
Both with same Gleefully Sadistic, Maniacal Gym Instructor.<br />
Who Is Also Excellent Friend But Sometimes, Especially Mondays, <br />
I Think Or Say Very Bad Things To Her.<br />
<br />
So that's the Doom part of my day.<br />
And normally I dread it like I dread the sun and owls.<br />
<br />
But I am in a good mood today?<br />
<br />
I had to think of why.<br />
<br />
Isn't that pathetic that I had to actually stop, <br />
and figure out why I was NOT grumpy?<br />
<br />
My default mode should be something slightly more aspirational than grumpy. <br />
<br />
Insouciant, maybe? <br />
Zen calm? <br />
Filled with kindness for all of the universe?<br />
<br />
I will work on that.<br />
<br />
But I did figure out why I am in such a good mood.<br />
<br />
It's raining!!!<br />
<br />
I love rain. <br />
Love love love.<br />
It makes things sparkly, it makes the sun go away,<br />
it sounds lovely, <br />
and I feel no pressure to be outside gardening or playing tennis. <br />
(Note: I never do either of those things anyway,<br />
but rain makes them less possible. <br />
I am totally Team Rain.)<br />
<br />
Also I love trench coats, and I get to wear them in the rain!<br />
<br />
Also, I have Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder.<br />
<br />
And the sound of rain right now is like a promise from Rain to Me -<br />
<br />
"Don't Go Insane Over The Heat, Allison. <br />
I've Got This Summer Thing On Its Last Legs. <br />
Go Play With Your Trench Coats While I Fix This For You."<br />
<br />
Yes, I realize that it may sound like I am insane already, since I am having conversations with rain.<br />
Whatever.<br />
I'm fine with that.<br />
<br />
And since I am in SUCH a good mood, <br />
and also kind of procrastinating on getting myself to the gym,<br />
although I have to be on time,<br />
or I will get a bad spin bike away from the fans, <br />
and die, <br />
and not get to enjoy the rest of the rainy day. <br />
(Or?<br />
The two hours after gym before Light Up Calendar Afternoon. <br />
But still. <br />
Better than the hot.)<br />
<br />
My good mood is a benevolent benefactor!<br />
It made a playlist for the End Of Summer Residue Washing Away.<br />
I call it:<br />
<br />
Sticky, Not Stuck Playlist, by Allison<br />
<br />
1.<strong>Left Hand Free,</strong> alt-J<br />
2. <strong>Take Me To Church</strong>, Hozier<br />
3<strong>. Seasons</strong>, Future Islands<br />
4. <strong>Stolen Dance</strong>, Milky Chance<br />
5.<strong> Come and Get It Bae</strong>, Pharrell<br />
6. <strong>My Song 5</strong>, Haim<br />
7.<strong> Waves</strong>, Sleeper Agent<br />
8. <strong>Rent I Pay</strong>, Spoon<br />
9. <strong>Silhouettes</strong>, Colony House<br />
10. <strong>Riptide</strong>, Vance Joy<br />
<br />
I'd add more, but I will suffer for it.<br />
Happy Rain Day!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-23939240635253753502014-08-31T17:34:00.006-07:002014-08-31T17:34:58.531-07:00Sometimes A Sweaty Gross Old T Shirt Is Actually The (Black) Key To World Of Excellent Friends And Music. You Can't Always Get What You Want, But You Get What You Need, by AllisonI had the most fabulous, totally fun and excellent evening of music, <br />
under twinkly lights, <br />
surrounded by friends and awesomeness last night.<br />
<br />
Like, just one of those transcendent nights -<br />
where all is well and life is good . . . <br />
I guess cheesy stuff you'd put on a T shirt?<br />
<br />
Except I would not wear that T shirt.<br />
Because I have T shirt laws and they are: <br />
Band T shirts, only.<br />
<br />
But in the circle never ends wisdom thing?<br />
<br />
Or Rolling Stones wisdom of you can't always get what you want, <br />
but you get what you need?<br />
<br />
Or, sometimes good things happen when you harass people at the gym,<br />
and try to buy their ratty old T shirts in boot camp class? <br />
<br />
(I realize that is not an actual thing, in general.<br />
In my life, it is a totally true and valid truism.)<br />
<br />
Backstory:<br />
<br />
Years Of Absurd Over-Sharing And Chatter About Music, <br />
What I Think And Why Pays Off!, by Allison<br />
<br />
Ok, so I have always been self-proclaimed, very dedicated PR and Promotions person for any bands or music that I like.<br />
(I had a clipboard in middle school, full of Duran Duran facts. <br />
There are witnesses, who are still my friends -<br />
AND are Duran Duran fans to this day, so there! I am right.<br />
I am always right, really.)<br />
<br />
That is nothing new.<br />
But a few years ago, for some reason, <br />
probably insanity or sleep deprivation or brainwashing mind tricks?<br />
I left the civilized Pilates studio at my gym, <br />
which had very challenging Pilates classes I loved, <br />
plus you didn't have to wear sneakers -<br />
<br />
(Note: I hate sneakers. <br />
Tennis shoes. <br />
Whatever. <br />
I am reluctant and recalcitrant in wearing them. <br />
Which is sad, considering daily, <br />
I wear them more than any of my delightful army of excellent shoes. <br />
Sigh. I digress.)<br />
<br />
And I entered the Thunderdome.<br />
<br />
I didn't realize what I was doing,<br />
or I would have run the other way,<br />
as fast as I could in my newly acquired ugly stupid gym shoes.<br />
<br />
But no, <br />
I had heard this "360" class was fun and cool and I should try it.<br />
I was tricked.<br />
<br />
The name isn't scary, right?<br />
Like, It's not INSANITY 90 TIMES XX HELL ON EARTH, or such.<br />
I know to avoid those.<br />
<br />
360 seemed kind of introspective and aspirational.<br />
I am an idiot.<br />
<br />
I go in, and am told by Very Serious Trainer to tether myself to the railing.<br />
<br />
I am honestly baffled, because nothing he said made any sense to me at all.<br />
<br />
He tried again, with "Tether yourself to the railing, for suicide sprints and bear crawls."<br />
<br />
Not helpful.<br />
<br />
That sounded REALLY unfun.<br />
<br />
That is why I didn't want stupid gym shoes.<br />
Can I go back to Pilates, please?<br />
<br />
No. <br />
I am somehow tethered to a railing and everything else is a blur, except I lived.<br />
<br />
And, I felt kind of like a badass when I was able to walk(ish) out of that room, <br />
having done things I had never heard of or would agree to do, <br />
ever.<br />
<br />
Plus, there must have been brainwashing that I didn't realize,<br />
because I was still trying to process why I was hitting a tire with a stick.<br />
<br />
Because?<br />
I went back!<br />
And eventually, was shocked I could do some of this crazy stuff.<br />
<br />
But, the reason I do stuff at the gym and not at home?<br />
I am inherently lazy and will find something, anything, to do other than exercise.<br />
That is why books and music exist.<br />
<br />
Group exercise is helpful,<br />
because I am amongst other people suffering, <br />
also wearing stupid gym shoes, <br />
and I am not allowed to pull out my Kindle and hide in the corner.<br />
<br />
One of the drawbacks, however, <br />
to the benignly named, totally awful 360 classes is this:<br />
<br />
No chatting.<br />
<br />
Really. <br />
You can't catch your breath, <br />
and Very Serious Trainer does not care if you tell him you are sweating from your eyeballs. <br />
(That happened.)<br />
<br />
So, though I was now in a group of people willingly being tormented,<br />
there wasn't any time for conversation.<br />
<br />
Boo.<br />
<br />
Plus afterwards?<br />
You just want to leave, <br />
crawl, <br />
limp or whatever - get out of there.<br />
<br />
One is the loneliest number, <br />
you know.<br />
Ask any elevator Musak.<br />
<br />
And so I couldn't continue with this "no talking or making friends or I have a funny story" thing for long -<br />
<br />
So Hurray!<br />
As with most things in life, <br />
I was saved by music.<br />
<br />
Or more specifically,<br />
a dude who came to class in an old, ratty, iron on Black Keys T shirt.<br />
One of the first ones.<br />
From Akron.<br />
Iron on old band T! <br />
Band I love! <br />
I summoned enough oxygen to completely freak out this poor dude,<br />
by trying to bribe or beg or buy his disgusting T shirt, <br />
as the real, old iron on Akron Ohio T's are like unicorns.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/MTAwMVgxMDAx/z/hi0AAOxyzpdTjO-X/$_14.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Black-Keys-Akron-T-shirt-Large" border="0" height="640" index="0" src="http://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/MTAwMVgxMDAx/z/hi0AAOxyzpdTjO-X/$_14.JPG" style="max-height: 64px; max-width: 64px;" title="" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div align="left">
Of course, as most reasonable people would, </div>
<div align="left">
that guy completely ignored me.</div>
<div align="left">
And never came back again.</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
But silver lining?</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
The friendly, happy, </div>
<div align="left">
almost absurdly cheerfully Zen </div>
<div align="left">
(I did not know that was a thing until I met him, </div>
<div align="left">
but it is a thing) </div>
<div align="left">
dude from my 360 class?</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
Named Paul?</div>
<div align="left">
Was like "Oh, you like music?"</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
Open the floodgates.</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
Get this?</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
He not only travels for shows,</div>
<div align="left">
and is as content and happy to talk and share and expound upon music as I am, </div>
<div align="left">
but also?</div>
<div align="left">
He Field Of Dreams, Music Edition </div>
<div align="left">
BUILT A STAGE IN HIS BACKYARD,</div>
<div align="left">
and bands come and play.</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
Good bands, from all over.</div>
<div align="left">
There are twinkly lights, </div>
<div align="left">
and excellent crowd, </div>
<div align="left">
and really good musicians.</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
I am not sure how he does it, other than, </div>
<div align="left">
the whole thing is kind of magical, </div>
<div align="left">
who wouldn't want to be a part of it?</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
(Note: Paul is also the only person I know who will see a show in Chapel Hill with us, </div>
<div align="left">
and then agree that it is a fabulous idea we should go see them in Charlotte the next night. </div>
<div align="left">
He somehow remains bright-eyed and in good spirits afterwards. </div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
I internally and externally pay the price for my music gluttony. </div>
<div align="left">
Proof: <a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/09/is-it-possible-to-have-too-much-fun.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/09/is-it-possible-to-have-too-much-fun.html</a></div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
I'm fine with that, just jealous I cannot rally like he does. )</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
And last night, we saw a fabulous band, Barnaby Bright, </div>
<div align="left">
at the Backyard Stage of Paul's house, </div>
<div align="left">
in the end-of-summer twinkly shimmery kind of an evening in which I am not grumpy over the hot since it is coming to an end -</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
And the band?</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
They were awesome. </div>
<div align="left">
Really talented, excellent musicians with all sorts of stringed instruments (guitar, banjo, ukulele, maybe more) and keys and harmonium!</div>
<div align="left">
They were fabulous.</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
Proof:</div>
<div align="left">
<img alt="Fabulous night of music, Barnaby Bright are amazing" class="_46-i img" height="395" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/s526x395/15255_10204668772222494_8699734615904132290_n.jpg?oh=e12a16ea0b056582526f366245cc7cb3&oe=5461D35D&__gda__=1415825546_2259142a9c4c2b98db4c902806b0f113" style="left: 0px; top: 0px;" width="395" /></div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
And you can hear them and find them at <a href="http://www.barnabybright.com/">http://www.barnabybright.com/</a>,</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
and here's their "Old Coats" video:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/0mBaHSclnp4?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
Last night we heard a killer version of Billie Holiday's "Fine and Mellow," had a blast, got to talk to the awesome band -</div>
<div align="left">
Proof:</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
<img alt="Am total fangirl !! Me with Barnaby Bright after their awesome show" class="_46-i img" height="395" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/s526x395/10574312_10204668837144117_4432372161221389796_n.jpg?oh=7d017da3ef1f7861eb2fbf78523303a3&oe=54739A76&__gda__=1416026464_18928046da6217923bae3d0400a51bef" style="left: 0px; top: 0px;" width="395" /></div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
All thanks to Fabulous Awesome Music Friend "He Built It, And Thank Heavens It's Music Not Baseball!!" Paul.<br />
<br />
Lesson of the Day:<br />
<br />
It's Totally Ok To Freak Out A Dude At The Gym By Trying To Buy His Old Black Keys T Shirt, Because You Might Meet Awesome Friend And Have Fun Forevermore.<br />
<br />
(Also, Dude You Freaked Out Will Most Likely Never Come Back To Your Gym So No Awkward Social Situations!)<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-90299808455390721852014-08-27T15:09:00.002-07:002014-08-27T15:09:37.250-07:00Dear Diet Coke Cans, Stop Tormenting Me. I Do Not Like Go-Getters, Or Sharing. You Are Totally Not My BFF Anymore, by AllisonDear Diet Coke Cans,<br />
<br />
I am very disgruntled with you, <br />
and this pains me-<br />
you are my trusty, stalwart, required morning beverage.<br />
<br />
It is a known fact that there must be Diet Coke, in CANS <br />
<br />
(Note: Bottles are only for gas stations and airports.<br />
Fountain drinks don't count,<br />
and are gross and totally not actually Diet Coke.)<br />
<br />
in my refrigerator, at all times,<br />
or The World Will End.<br />
<br />
Honestly. <br />
You'd think the sheer volume of Diet Coke cans I've consumed, <br />
and the volume of the fits I've thrown if someone drank the last Diet Coke, <br />
would earn me frequent consumer status.<br />
<br />
Is that a thing?<br />
<br />
It should totally be a thing.<br />
<br />
Tell Starbucks too. <br />
<br />
I mainline Trenta green teas, for the antioxidant infusion - <br />
to counteract the oxidants I require daily,<br />
from my three Diet Coke cans.<br />
Consumed immediately after I wake up, <br />
OR ELSE.<br />
<br />
I have a LOT of making up to do,<br />
is how I justify all my tea.<br />
<br />
Because I used to be way worse.<br />
<br />
Like, I think there were a few years (law school, for sure)?<br />
In which 98 percent of the fluids I consumed were cans of Diet Coke.<br />
<br />
I left half-full cans on the roof of my car, <br />
which was not a good idea -<br />
<br />
but I had a theory that I'd remember where I put it,<br />
if I put it on the roof of my car.<br />
(Note: This is a totally specious and terrible theory, <br />
and it doesn't work for wallets either.<br />
Proof: <a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2014/01/oops-i-did-it-again-has-anyone-seen-my.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2014/01/oops-i-did-it-again-has-anyone-seen-my.html</a>)<br />
<br />
I left them in the freezer, in case I ran out of cold ones, <br />
only to have to clean up frozen, exploded can of Diet Coke after I forgot I did that.<br />
<br />
Maybe ten million times.<br />
<br />
I'm better now.<br />
I have a more balanced approach to my irrational needs for beverages at all times -<br />
<br />
(Proof?<br />
<a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/04/cry-me-river-of-green-tea-lattes-and.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/04/cry-me-river-of-green-tea-lattes-and.html</a>)<br />
<br />
Still irrational.<br />
I've just added to the list of required beverages.<br />
<br />
Some could posit that I am actually worse than ever.<br />
<br />
But I Can't Quit You, Diet Coke Cans!<br />
<br />
Except?<br />
I am now very grumpy with you.<br />
Seriously.<br />
<br />
As a chronic, <br />
avid consumer?<br />
(For? Exact number of years redacted due to my vanity.<br />
But it is quite a while, <br />
though I am still very, very young)<br />
<br />
I am insulted and affronted by your dumb, lame, <br />
generic gimmick marketing strategy.<br />
<br />
Specifically, the generic, bossy suggestions on the side of my Diet Coke Cans.<br />
<br />
Telling me to "Share a Diet Coke with a Go-Getter."<br />
Or a "Buddy."<br />
Or a "Friend."<br />
<br />
WTF, Diet Coke?<br />
<br />
Are you scrimping on your focus group budget?<br />
<br />
Because?<br />
Who shares a can of Diet Coke?<br />
<br />
Not me.<br />
At all, ever.<br />
<br />
And also?<br />
Go-Getter?<br />
<br />
Ug. <br />
It is early, I am trying to wake up.<br />
Stop pressuring me.<br />
<br />
I don't want to share in the first place, <br />
but especially NOT with a Go-Getter.<br />
<br />
I actively avoid Go-Getters, <br />
although I am not exactly sure what you mean by Go-Getter, <br />
but whatever.<br />
That sounds like someone who makes lists,<br />
and will tell me what the weather is and why I am late for something.<br />
<br />
Not happening.<br />
<br />
And cans telling me to share with a "Buddy?" "Pal?" <br />
"BFF????"<br />
<br />
You are driving me insane, <br />
Diet Coke Cans.<br />
<br />
First of all, you are not the boss of me.<br />
<br />
And secondly?<br />
You are embarrassingly uncreative -<br />
those are the blandest, most boring, <br />
overly broad,<br />
unspecific categories ever.<br />
<br />
It is the exact opposite of what I totally think is clever, <br />
targeted marketing on your bottles, Diet Coke.<br />
<br />
The bottles with names?<br />
Actual names, of people?<br />
<br />
I have seen kids be wildly excited upon receiving a gift of an empty Diet Coke bottle with their name on it.<br />
<br />
And as gas station/airport bottle purchaser, <br />
I totally look for a name I like, or that makes me laugh, <br />
or is someone I am married to, and then buy one.<br />
<br />
Proof!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gkijNNy5jaY/U_5W5aMvrYI/AAAAAAAAA6s/Pw_tfx82O9Y/s1600/abdmdietcoke.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gkijNNy5jaY/U_5W5aMvrYI/AAAAAAAAA6s/Pw_tfx82O9Y/s1600/abdmdietcoke.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
Totally worked!<br />
Excellent idea you had.<br />
Gold star for you.<br />
<br />
Why did you have to ruin things, Diet Coke?<br />
<br />
The reason the names on the bottles idea works so well is that it is a name.<br />
Of a specific person.<br />
<br />
Not vague, boring "Buddy" or "BFF."<br />
Not stressful like "Go-Getter."<br />
<br />
If you have to do something with the cans, can you get a snarkier ad team? <br />
Find better focus groups?<br />
<br />
Because I'd totally buy Diet Coke Cans with snarky or absurd suggestions -<br />
<br />
Batman?<br />
Worst Friend Ever?<br />
Obnoxious Neighbor?<br />
The Guy From Twilight? (I would buy a bunch of those, actually.)<br />
<br />
Or, better yet?<br />
<br />
"Don't Share This Diet Coke With Anyone. <br />
It Is Yours And Yours Alone."<br />
<br />
Those would crack me up.<br />
Delight,<br />
instead of spontaneous combustion of rant rage.<br />
<br />
Much better way to start the day.<br />
<br />
Please fix this egregious error immediately, Diet Coke Cans.<br />
You are better than this.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
Your Frequent Consumer and Advocate (as long as you are cold and in my fridge and MINE),<br />
Allison<br />
<br />
PS: I am not your Buddy, Pal, OR BFF as long as this continues.<br />
<br />
PPS: Also I am not a Go-Getter, and please don't send one to my house.<br />
<br />
PPPS: And the only thing I share is my opinion. <br />
But I am totally right, and you are welcome.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-23122215950331032552014-08-18T21:16:00.003-07:002014-08-18T21:16:59.793-07:00FORMS, The F Word That Inspires Many Other F Words. Please Somebody Stop This, Or Send Intern, By Allison<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It is FORM time, everybody. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And like bad sequels to already bad movies, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">or swarm of locusts or whatever, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">it keeps getting worse. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Every year, they multiply. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Exponentially.</span><br />
<br />
FORMS.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The dreaded F word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am bad with FORMS, in that I almost always spill tea on them, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">forget to look up the dentist’s number,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> and have to go find that and then:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Oooh!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Something shiny! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And I leave FORM incomplete, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">t</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">hen get plagued with guilt about undone FORM,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and then go to do it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But I realize I never looked up the dentist number, . . . . </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and here we go again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And seriously, each year, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">when I think we have enough sweat equity or FORM filling out information,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">at schools or dance studio or whatever, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and it can't be as bad as last year?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">(SPOILER!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> It keeps getting worse.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have just filled out seven majillion FORMS. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">All with the exact same information - </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">just swap age of girl and grade in school, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">otherwise, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">all information on these FORMS is exactly the same.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Because the subjects of these FORMS have shockingly similar, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">otherwise known as exact same,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">information on their home,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and upkeep and care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">V, E, and M all live in same house, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">go to same doctor, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">dentist, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">have same parents, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">same insurance, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">same ALL of it. SAME </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">SAME <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">S</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">AME.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I realize camp and school can't just have a completed FORM and two others that say,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">” See everything on V’s form except this one is E and she is 11. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Otherwise, same. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And also M, she is 8. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Otherwise, all same." <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But that would be so cool, FORM People.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am so going to start a thing on that. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And the FORMS are all, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">old school come in the mail, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">fill them out in pen -</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">(Or? only writing implement at your disposal is pink Sharpie.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Whatever.)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, FORMS?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Advance notice.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you won't let me cut and paste, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">you run the risk of Sharpie scribblings, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">dotted with tears and green tea.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am given NO opportunity use the computer for cutting and pasting purposes, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">a computer similar to the ones totally used to create the FORM.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Bogus.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">If I have to handwrite all this over and over, it should be quid pro quo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Eye for an eye, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">tired writing hand for tired writing hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am going to work on that,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> now that I have completed the FORMS.</span><br />
<br />
And can now relax and <br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> just mail the FORMS back, right?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">I wish.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">No rest for the wicked.</span><br />
(Although I proffer that in this situation, <br />
the FORMS are wicked,<br />
and I am saint-like, wrangling FORMS.)<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Can’t<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>leave out step where I have to go to the doctor’s office, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and I am not kidding:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">No lie NO LIE I am not making this up, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">have to fill out a FORM for each FORM I need the doctor to sign.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The FORM wants all the information that is on the other FORMS. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Can’t they get that information from the existing FORM</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Can I borrow a Xerox? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Xanax?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Something?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">No, must fill out one FORM per FORM I am asking them to sign.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
Plus there are clipboards with FORMS on them too.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I tried pleading, “Look, it is on the FORM already, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">on this FORM I am giving you, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">right there! “ </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But no.</span><br />
FORMS.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And I have to write the girls' names, addresses, doctor’s information <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>- </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Which?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Is insane, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">because I am currently IN the doctor’s office.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So it should be kind of obvious who their doctor is, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">plus I ALREADY WROTE IT ON ELEVENTY FORMS and am giving them to you,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">that information is right there, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and there,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and there,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and also there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Please, no more FORMS.</span><br />
<br />
Or how about?<br />
Not the same FORM from the same place two times in one day, at least give me that? <br />
(V registering for middle school volleyball team, <br />
meaning,<br />
FORMS plus FORMS,<br />
plus taking FORMS to other FORM people.)<br />
<br />
At least I have finally cobbled together a list of witnesses willing to testify on behalf of my Totally True Printer Malevolence Making Everything Worse By Eating FORMS.<br />
<br />
I am normally met with disbelief when I say <br />
"My printer won't work today. <br />
It is having a fit or a bad day or something. <br />
It just groans at me."<br />
<br />
And as I am trying to print out repeated FORMS for sports and dance and lunch and etc,<br />
the printer is all, <br />
"Ug, I am not feeling up to this. <br />
I shall make groaning noises and flash lights and kind of attempt to print, <br />
but totally not print the actual FORM, <br />
nevermind FORM times three because you have so many children needing FORMS."<br />
<br />
I was super happy to have witnesses my printer rebellion, <br />
because otherwise, <br />
given past history of technology abuse,<br />
and spilling,<br />
or kicking,<br />
and cursing at computer parts, <br />
no one would believe me when I said that my printer was having a hissy fit.</div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> And I am really trying to not be the worst.</span></span><br />
Again.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> I am attempting to not send in late, green tea splattered FORMS this year.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It’s the new me! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Turning over leaf! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Again! </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When situations like this arise, I am now asking myself, what do I NOT want to do right now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ok, that’s the thing I should probably do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So far, so good, I just started attempt number (not telling how many years but it is embarrassing)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">FORM wrangling today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> I can’t say if it is going to work long-term. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So I fill out the FORMS with our names and all the information on the FORM.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>And I know from previous half-attempted FORM hell,</o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p> that FORMS will multiply and breed,</o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p> and do bad biblical plague things come FORM time. </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>I try to prepare emotionally, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>but that is not possible. </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>I am rubber, FORMS are glue, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>they bounce off me, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>unsigned, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>spotted with beverages, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>and bounce, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>three weeks late, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>crumpled, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>to wrong person, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>stuck like glue to the bottom of someone's shoe.</o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>So at doctors' office the second time in one day, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>Which? </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>Is ridiculous and not helping me in my quest to defeat the FORMS -</o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>I try,</o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>Again.</o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I even look at one of the FORMS to fill out this new FORM, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and I am sitting on the ground,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">with FORMS spread out around me in piles,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">to make sure I get the FORM for each FORM,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">for each kid,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">for each thing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">So</span> I look like a lunatic -</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Also?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Pediatricians’ office floors are a very dumb place to choose as your work station, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">but I have to make sure each FORM has its New Friend,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">also known as FORM, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">because?</span><br />
<br />
No matter what I do, <br />
I will forget or leave off or not initial something, <br />
resulting in questionable tetanus shot information, <br />
or some such disaster that I cannot seem to circumvent every year.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So that leads to me sitting on ebola virus floor making piles of FORMS. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>And showing FORMS to the girls, all </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>"Look. I filled it out. </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>Do not turn on me if the bad dog eats it." </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>(Note: The dog actually eats FORMS!! </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>I am not making that up. </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>I always thought "the dog ate my homework" was a derivative and lame fake excuse, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>but seriously, </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p>I have had to write "I am very sorry but the dog ate her vocabulary words" more than once.)</o:p></span><br />
<br />
But we all know that there is no way, <br />
with ornery printer, <br />
purple crayon as only writing tool, <br />
FORMS off multiplying like evil gremlin,<br />
or bad aliens,<br />
or bunnies?<br />
There is no way I can win.<br />
<br />
FORMS. <br />
<br />
This is why I really, really, really want an intern.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-73989072973220945072014-06-29T18:18:00.002-07:002014-06-29T18:18:25.754-07:00 Want To Hear Fabulous Music? Take Planes, Train, Automobile, a Ferry, A Brilliant Friend, And A Lucky Green Shirt. Travel Tips, by Allison: So, one of the (few, totally worth it) <br />
drawbacks to excellent, fabulous,<br />
Will Travel For Music Festival Trips,<br />
with Bestest Music Friend Ever K is this:<br />
<br />
There is a ton of stuff, in piles -<br />
either FORM or laundry format, <br />
waiting for me upon my return.<br />
<br />
Plus I am all worn out by the awesome.<br />
<br />
And in recent Governor's Ball in NYC,<br />
fabulous music overload with fabulous friend, <br />
involving cars, planes, taxis, <br />
trains, subway,<br />
and FERRY?<br />
(Note: Also tons of walking.<br />
And standing. <br />
Also dancing. Does that count as cardio?)<br />
<br />
I arrive home in time for eleventy end of whatever school closings,<br />
requiring my children to sing or play the violin, <br />
plus spring concerts and swim team is starting up,<br />
and WHERE are the goggles???<br />
I buy three billion goggles every summer????<br />
<br />
Anyway, frying pan into fire. <br />
<br />
I have no time to even see if I got any decent pictures or video,<br />
or remember which bands we saw which day. <br />
All that awesome kind of blurs. <br />
<br />
So I do what I always do when I try to remember something,<br />
and I can't figure out where I was when.<br />
<br />
I ask myself:<br />
<br />
What was I wearing?<br />
<br />
I always know what I wore to what place when.<br />
<br />
Starting with preschool.<br />
<br />
I'm not exaggerating, it is how I remember things. <br />
I certainly am NOT wearing a watch.<br />
Proof:<br />
(<a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/11/no-sorry-i-dont-have-time-or-watch-and.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/11/no-sorry-i-dont-have-time-or-watch-and.html</a>)<br />
<br />
So I remember things via sartorial evidence.<br />
<br />
Or what was up with my hair, <br />
if I have to do like the Phone A Friend extra help option. <br />
<br />
Hair Evidence is normally not needed because:<br />
<br />
1. I remember what I wore when, <br />
am savant. <br />
Wish I had a more useful skill, but I do not.<br />
<br />
2. If my hair is bad, <br />
I have most likely thrown away or deleted the picture,<br />
so there aren't many situations I can rely on hair evidence.<br />
<br />
I can tell you what I wore for a second grade spelling bee <br />
(pink shirt, pink and green wrap shirt, matching purse).<br />
<br />
Or fourth grade first day at a new school <br />
(pink oxford cloth button down shirt, khaki shorts, <br />
barrettes I wove ribbons in to match - I was in a preppy phase.) <br />
<br />
Which? <br />
Is way less horrifying than some of my middle school phases, <br />
such as:<br />
<br />
1. Strawberry quilted coat, creepy giant old person tinted glasses, <br />
and Michael Jackson gloves,<br />
hiding hideous poison ivy rash,<br />
beginning middle school World's Most Unfortunate Outfit<br />
Proof:<br />
(<a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/08/when-dress-code-includes-math-but.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/08/when-dress-code-includes-math-but.html</a>)<br />
<br />
2. Panama hat and white jacket adorned with Duran Duran pins - <br />
homage to one Mr. John Taylor.<br />
This was before I realized -<br />
you weren't necessarily supposed to DRESS like your pretend floppy haired musician boyfriend, <br />
and in fact, <br />
you should probably NEVER do that.<br />
Proof:<br />
(<a href="http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/08/dont-say-prayer-for-me-now-save-it-til.html">http://www.iwantanintern.com/2012/08/dont-say-prayer-for-me-now-save-it-til.html</a>)<br />
<br />
I remember what I was wearing on random occasions,<br />
as well as special days.<br />
I remember what I was wearing last Girl Scout troop meeting,<br />
so I don't repeat my ensemble and make M the eight year old stylist grumpy.<br />
<br />
I am like Mnemosyne from Greek mythology, <br />
minus the cool name. <br />
Plus remembering my outfits,<br />
instead of every single thing that happens?<br />
Greek myths may indicate there some Narcissus mixed in.<br />
Fine, whatever.<br />
<br />
But?<br />
Back up there?<br />
When I was talking about the music festival?<br />
And how I was trying to remember which bands,<br />
which days,<br />
where was I?<br />
<br />
(Note: I do remember what I was originally talking about. <br />
I digress, <br />
will meander down the primrose path, <br />
or yellow brick road, <br />
or streets of Manhattan, <br />
but I will get back to my topic eventually.<br />
I promise.)<br />
<br />
Delay in cataloging,<br />
or getting two seconds to blissfully recall the show?<br />
Due to having to pay the piper for being away during crazy,<br />
hectic time of year?<br />
<br />
Means I have to piece together which day was which, <br />
and what we saw and did, <br />
based on my outfit.<br />
<br />
I know I could just go look at the festival calendar and see who played when, <br />
but that is cheating.<br />
<br />
And?<br />
I realize that one of the days, <br />
the We Are Not Messing Around Day?<br />
OOOH!<br />
TANGENT ALERT!!!!<br />
<br />
Tangent: <br />
Music Festival Day Categories, by Allison<br />
<br />
1. Day One:<br />
Get there, <br />
figure out the lay of the land, <br />
check out bands,<br />
plot best spot for Day Two,<br />
while having excellent day, <br />
involving refreshments and people watching,<br />
as well as music.<br />
<br />
This is like, baby pool.<br />
Bunny Slope.<br />
And also recon mission for Day 2 plotting.<br />
<br />
2. Day Two:<br />
Inevitably, <br />
in our various festival experiences, <br />
Day Two is We Are Not Messing Around Day.<br />
<br />
Meaning?<br />
We know where the stages are, <br />
and fate/wily music festival people have the lineup we want, <br />
on one stage, <br />
with hours in between,<br />
for us to revel in the grim conditions,<br />
and lack of food, water, <br />
or personal space.<br />
<br />
It will be sluggish, hot, stagnant day.<br />
Or rainy and cold, doofuses wielding umbrellas day. <br />
<br />
Pick your extremely yuk weather condition,<br />
and stand in it for hours.<br />
<br />
Why would anyone do this, you ask?<br />
<br />
And I answer: <br />
Because it is awesome! <br />
<br />
Like, why you fly to cities far away,<br />
and take every means of transportation other than hovercraft -<br />
<br />
(Note: That would be so cool, a hovercraft?<br />
Please someone get on that. <br />
Also, I would like a time machine.<br />
So I can see shows that I have missed.)<br />
<br />
The music, the overall vibe (minus the doofuses), <br />
hanging out with Bestest Music Friend Ever K, <br />
as well as other music fanatics all packed together like sardines?<br />
<br />
All those people (minus the doofuses),<br />
plus all that music? <br />
Rules.<br />
<br />
But on We Are Not Messing Around Day, <br />
We Do Not Mess Around.<br />
<br />
Meaning, <br />
we have our game plan <br />
(In this case, Broken Bells, Jack White),<br />
And we settle in,<br />
as close as we can get,<br />
to a scalding hot barrier,<br />
the best way to hold a spot for hours.<br />
<br />
Because we heart these bands times a trillion,<br />
and want to see them up close.<br />
<br />
And we wait, interspersed by crazy good music.<br />
<br />
Which rules.<br />
<br />
And then we lurch like zombies out of the park.<br />
Happy, sated with awesomeness zombies.<br />
<br />
3. Day Three:<br />
This is the day after Day Two.<br />
In Which We Were Not Messing Around.<br />
<br />
Day Three starts a little slower.<br />
Groggier.<br />
Gentler.<br />
<br />
We have brunch on Day Three.<br />
<br />
We mosey over to the show, have a blast, <br />
and do not voluntarily shut ourselves into metal, grated corners all day.<br />
<br />
Is more mellow.<br />
<br />
Although actually,<br />
I did decide I needed to be on the barrier for Vampire Weekend,<br />
so I take that back.<br />
But still.<br />
<br />
Tangent Over!<br />
<br />
The reason I went off on that tangent?<br />
In hunting through the photos I took from the festival, <br />
I can tell which day is which,<br />
because of my outfit.<br />
Which included?<br />
<br />
Lucky Green Shirt !!!!<br />
<br />
(Note: I love my Lucky Green Shirt.<br />
It was acquired for me by awesome friend hunting the Earth for it,<br />
after I saw it and did not buy it,<br />
but then wanted it,<br />
and tragedy -<br />
it was gone from every store ever ever,<br />
and I would not stop pitching a fit, <br />
and my awesome friend magically found one, <br />
from Mars or something, <br />
and it is my lucky shirt. )<br />
<br />
I wore Lucky Green Shirt on We Are Not Messing Around Day Two of the music festival.<br />
For good luck, <br />
plus also I love that shirt.<br />
So now I can remember who we saw that day!<br />
<br />
Based upon the following evidence:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ExR2bWPnXGI/U7CDq1jA15I/AAAAAAAAA18/_nTlioCmy88/s1600/GovBall2014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ExR2bWPnXGI/U7CDq1jA15I/AAAAAAAAA18/_nTlioCmy88/s1600/GovBall2014.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Me, and Lucky Green Shirt, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
worn as talisman,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so we would get excellent barrier spot for We Are Not Messing Around,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Where Are Broken Bells and our sunblock? afternoon.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
You can see by the fact that I am wedged into a corner of barrier that the shirt, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and our strategy, is working!!</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i0XtlNicsu0/U7CEKSFrIiI/AAAAAAAAA2E/AMI_0M_N1pg/s1600/GovBall20141.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i0XtlNicsu0/U7CEKSFrIiI/AAAAAAAAA2E/AMI_0M_N1pg/s1600/GovBall20141.jpg" height="197" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Because look where we were not! </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
We were SO not in the middle of those people, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
far away from scalding hot barrier of excellent music coming soon.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DWbwRFWOoE4/U7CEbCtyhoI/AAAAAAAAA2M/0gF2_2Fqi8U/s1600/GovBall20142.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DWbwRFWOoE4/U7CEbCtyhoI/AAAAAAAAA2M/0gF2_2Fqi8U/s1600/GovBall20142.JPG" height="320" width="277" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I am apparently feeling very smug about that, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
given the cat who ate the canary expression I have on, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
along with my Lucky Green Shirt. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But here is why I was so pleased with myself:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dygUduSxLehUlchL4f7Kh7dvn0OIemRQULLbPtlyE7QEk_B9PTVMNmZp23TC42PQYIIiqs_9XfkL62LZ8VZtg' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Broken Bells! </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Playing October, I love that song! </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I love them. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Sigh. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Bestest Music Friend K is brilliant strategist, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
with minor assist from my Lucky Green Shirt.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I know the picture below is of waiting for more awesome music,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
in that same spot by the scalding barrier on the same day, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
due to brilliant deductive sartorial analysis:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ynMHKdQrtg0/U7CHPhNYBsI/AAAAAAAAA2Y/ety6x9U0RiA/s1600/GovBall20143.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ynMHKdQrtg0/U7CHPhNYBsI/AAAAAAAAA2Y/ety6x9U0RiA/s1600/GovBall20143.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Since I am a terrible photographer on the best of days, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
you can barely see Lucky Green Shirt, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
but that was during super sunny, hot,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
smooshed wait for The Strokes.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
This is a new friend we made, she was with her dad, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
who was making sure she was hydrated and happy. (She was.)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It was cool to see a dad and daughter spending quality time,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
smooshed in the heat at a music festival. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
That was adorable. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It is nice when the people you are smooshed with are as cool and friendly as they were.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And I know this is pre-The Strokes playing, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
because that was a very enthusiastic crowd, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
some of whom got heat stroke or whatever,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
and had to be handed overhead to security,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
and we'd been at our barrier spot a good while -</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
(And were not budging.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Jack White was coming up, you could not pry us off that barrier), </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
and I was visibly a hot mess, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
in my Lucky Green Shirt.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lEg2atcTDbo/U7CI813VgPI/AAAAAAAAA2k/2uXdKsjWC2I/s1600/GovBall20144.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lEg2atcTDbo/U7CI813VgPI/AAAAAAAAA2k/2uXdKsjWC2I/s1600/GovBall20144.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Ack. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I am kind of regretting not deleting that picture, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
but it is evidence of what day it was.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Lucky Green Shirt, total wreck me.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But still happy because?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Jack White!!!! </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Who was fabulously insanely good.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I have no photos of that, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
because he doesn't like cell phones at shows and we were so close!!!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
(Strategy! Perseverance! Brilliant Friend K! Lucky Green Shirt!)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Even without proof (though you can YouTube it or hear live feed somewhere),</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
it ruled. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And all was well.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LRPflXPnBms/U7CJny7LsaI/AAAAAAAAA2s/P_XEugLw0qI/s1600/GovBall20145.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LRPflXPnBms/U7CJny7LsaI/AAAAAAAAA2s/P_XEugLw0qI/s1600/GovBall20145.JPG" height="320" width="239" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Look at that charming, fairy lights and happy crowd scene.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Behind us!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Because We Were Not Messing Around.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
But also we had a total blast and saw many, excellent and fabulous bands.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I can't go into all of that, though,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
because I think my phone either died, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
or I can't tell what I was wearing, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
so I am not an unimpeachable witness.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-42968650959693909792014-06-12T09:26:00.001-07:002014-06-12T09:26:54.991-07:00Ditch the Sugarplum Fairy and the Pony, But Bring The Butcher Knife, or Tips On How To Throw A Successful Kid Birthday Party Without Losing Your Mind, by AllisonSo Matt just emailed me a picture from V's first birthday.<br />
<br />
The picture was adorable,<br />
I love her "you are totally embarrassing me, take this dumb hat off of my head, where is the cake and the pony" face.<br />
<br />
But that particular day brings up waaaay too many cringe-worthy memories for me to just say "She was so little! Time Flies!"<br />
<br />
My memory needs no refreshing when it comes to that day, <br />
as it is otherwise known as <br />
Allison's First Ridiculously Absurd Overblown Child's Birthday Party Planning Disaster.<br />
<br />
In fact, I have a whole collection of Ridiculously Absurd Overblown Child's Birthday Party Disasters.<br />
<br />
I wish that were not the case, but there are photos proving otherwise.<br />
(Note:<br />
It took me approximately fifteen of my various daughters' various birthday parties before I stopped the insanity. <br />
The first non-disaster, <br />
when M was 7?<br />
And her birthday party was the most lovely, peaceful, non-horror-show event?<br />
<br />
Matt and I were looking at each other like, <br />
when does the bloodshed start? <br />
<br />
(Spoiler!! No blood! <br />
Not even a scratch! <br />
Or an evil clown! <br />
Or animals! <br />
Or other mayhem!) <br />
<br />
Just a few little girls getting their nails painted and then cupcakes.<br />
<br />
It would have been better for everyone involved if I had stopped being insane before the INDOOR PONY,<br />
and the BAD CLOWN,<br />
and the BALLERINA SHOW and all, <br />
but no.)<br />
<br />
So I am feeling like being a good citizen, a benevolent benefactor today,<br />
and in case I am not the only one who is LUNATIC child birthday party planner, <br />
before I was soundly defeated by my own idiocy,<br />
<br />
I am generously sharing the following helpful advice:<br />
<br />
Allison's Tips On How To Celebrate Your Child's Birthday Without Being Crazy Person:<br />
<br />
I am generously sharing the following advice:<br />
<br />
<br />
1. When organizing your first child's first birthday, pay attention to what season it is. For example, if it is still winter, an outdoor petting zoo might not work out very well. Especially if it is sleeting. <br />
<br />
2. If it is sleeting during the supposed outdoor petting zoo for your one year old who does not know a thing about what is going on as she is one year old<br />
(Note: No parent ever ever will believe you if you tell them this information, <br />
that their one year old has no clue whatall is going on. <br />
I certainly ignored sage advice from just about everyone because V was genius savant miracle child who surely would appreciate and remember the petting zoo and all details of this giant party), <br />
do NOT bring the petting zoo inside.<br />
<br />
(Note: I realize this is the part where you say, Allison is a total liar and cannot even tell believable lies. But everything in this whole Tips For Parties list is true. I am not exaggerating, I wish I were, but alas, I was actually lunatic enough to do all the things I say I did, and more that I do not wish to recall)<br />
<br />
3. If the petting zoo lady says, "No, it is sleeting, I am not bringing the pony and iguana and ducks and snake and such", do NOT beg and bribe her to bring them anyway as not to disappoint your one year old who has no idea any of this is happening.<br />
<br />
4. If the petting zoo lady shows up with the animals you begged her to bring, DO NOT bring the animals in the house. <br />
<br />
Who would do that? <br />
<br />
A pony? <br />
For real?<br />
<br />
(Spoiler!!! I totally did that.)<br />
<br />
Ducks in a barrel? An iguana on a leash? <br />
All in my house, for the enjoyment of my daughter who is still a baby and her baby friends who have no idea what is happening? NOT a good idea.<br />
But, Silver Lining: All adults in attendance got a laugh and/or a "Whew, thank the heavens I am not married to her" out of it. Well, all adults except for Matt.<br />
<br />
Pony. I have pictures.<br />
<br />
5. Learn your lesson after Ponygate 2002. Do NOT pretend none of that happened and throw another giant party for your next one year old, this time taking weather into account but not thinking about how it would totally be horrible if you hired a BAD CLOWN to come to your house and scare the babies AND the parents.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
6. If you must hire a bad clown because your daughter's first word is allegedly "balloon" (Note: This is what I remember. Or chose to believe she was saying. E says it is totally not true and her first word was "mine." Subnote: She is close, that was her second, and third, and fourth, etc. word and still is a favorite) do NOT choose a clown who goes by the name Loony.<br />
<br />
He will NOT be Loony.<br />
<br />
He will be very subpar Rodney Dangerfield type jokester who traps parents in room telling them vaudeville style, super-un-funny "My wife is so ugly" jokes while the one year old babies try not to die from biting or ingesting balloon animals that were not even that impressive.<br />
<br />
Is double negative.<br />
<br />
7. When your preschool daughter takes ballet and likes The Nutcracker, do not go insane.<br />
<br />
Do NOT hire the actual Sugarplum Fairy to do her solo dance in your HOUSE for forty-seven young children.<br />
(Note: There are a lot of poor choices in the above sentence. Pick your favorite)<br />
<br />
8. Do NOT host forty-seven children in your house. <br />
Your daughter does not even know that many people. <br />
What are you doing? <br />
You think that many kids are going to sit and watch ballet in your dining room?<br />
<br />
(Spoiler!!! They will not. They will, however, totally lick the giant ballerina cake because you are idiot who puts it at child-lick level. Do NOT do that. They will lick it, I promise. Put the cake up high.)<br />
<br />
9. When hosting Cinderella party, make sure the glass slippers you buy online to go on the cupcakes are NOT made of actual glass that can maim or kill children.<br />
(Note: I realized they were glass when I cut myself on them, and ordered plastic ones on rush order because I had it in my head there would be glass slippers on the cupcakes, so it had to happen, because a two year old will totally traumatized otherwise, right?)<br />
<br />
10. Do NOT think you are being clever by limiting the party size to the age of the child, because your eight year old will somehow make the party be 12 girls, and then you have to invite a friend for the younger sister who does sleepovers, and also other kids are there somehow. <br />
They multiply.<br />
<br />
11. Do NOT think Clever Sleepover Party Activity Scavenger Hunt based upon your genius "Nancy Drew: Get A Clue" theme will entertain eight, or fifteen, little girls for more than five minutes. <br />
<br />
No matter how detailed and creative you get with the scavenger hunt and gold dubloons and clues and whether you hire a lady in England to make purses out of recycled old Nancy Drew books and put compasses and notebooks and clues in them, this genius, well-thought-out activity lasts exactly five minutes.<br />
<br />
12. And they SO will not watch the Nancy Drew movie afterwards. They will instead dance on top of the dining room table.<br />
<br />
13. And they TOTALLY are not sleeping, at ALL. <br />
In fact, when you lie down at 2 am in futile attempt to NOT go insane, one little girl will perch on you and video you on her iPhone.<br />
<br />
14. And as cherry on that party's nightmare sundae, get this: Little girls flushing entire roll of toilet paper in upstairs guest bath is not going to go well for you. It will in fact lead to flooding through the kitchen light fixture downstairs. <br />
<br />
Awesome! <br />
<br />
The girls will be very impressed and tell their parents and teachers and the WORLD that our party had toilet water pouring through the ceiling. (Note: All of the kids will remember this for eternity and bring it up at swim meet or school forevermore)<br />
<br />
15. Pinatas are EVIL.<br />
<br />
I have done extensive case study, otherwise known as gone to a majillion kids' parties as well as hosted a whole bunch, and kids love pinatas. <br />
<br />
You know who does NOT love pinatas? <br />
<br />
ME.<br />
<br />
Here is why: Every third one is made of cement. <br />
<br />
You cannot break it, at ALL, without James Bond Villain Laser. <br />
<br />
Even if you opt for the easy "pull these strings and the old gross candy falls out" kind, every third one will not release aforementioned old gross candy. <br />
<br />
It will cause maniac, starving baby-bird imitator children to go wild trying to obtain candy, and they will TOTALLY tell their parents when Matt has to get a butcher knife and cut open the pinata and then run outside really fast chased by pack of candy seeking children.<br />
<br />
(And Note: Do NOT go with the candy offered with the pinata.<br />
It will be old and gross and out of some weird person's basement or very yuk factory somewhere bad.<br />
Get your own candy. <br />
As added bonus of stuffing the pinata yourself, you will be able to kind of tell if it is an Evil Pinata or not, and procure the butcher knife or laser or whatever you need to break the stupid thing so kids who have already eaten cake can have bags of candy)<br />
<br />
16. When friends stage intervention called "Allison, outsource the party, why do you keep having them at your house, you are lunatic" and you listen to them and have party at bouncy party place, Take note:<br />
It IS possible to deflate a giant bouncy slide at a giant bouncy party place. <br />
<br />
They say it is not possible, but it is. And it is stunning and weird and alarming to see the giant slide start to implode upon itself. <br />
<br />
Even more alarming: The completely stoned teenager dudes who are party coordinators do NOT know what to do when giant bouncy slide implodes. <br />
They say "whoa" and "dude" and "man" a lot, but they do not save the day.<br />
<br />
Instead, kids are shuttled into party room otherwise known as, room with nothing fun in it, good luck entertaining them after they eat pizza for two minutes and then give you wide-eyed, "this is a party, make it fun" faces.<br />
<br />
17. I cannot believe I can easily, without having to think back at all, recall that many stupid things I did for kids' birthday parties. And that is tip of iceberg, not even going into the Madeline one involving a complicated game where different prizes were clipped to "Madeline's" dog's leash based upon insane code words used to cue Matt in basement what gender or age the kid with the leash was so he could clip on appropriate prize. I have to stop, before I completely bum my own self out by my idiotic behavior.<br />
<br />
18. Remember all of the above tips, and do NOT do any of the stupid things I did, or things similar to that. No matter how cute the invitation is or how much fun you have writing clever verse for invitation, you do not want to go down the above roads. Bad roads. <br />
<br />
Lesson For Today: <br />
Allison is ridiculous, don't do anything she ever did at all, except the recent small, lovely manicure and cupcake for reasonable amount of children party. And if you cannot stop yourself and you go off the rails like me, Warning: <br />
Photographs are evidence of your lunatic behavior, and people have long memories of things like "The Time Allison Brought All The Animals In The House" or "Remember V's Dad With The Butcher Knife?"<br />
<br />
I am like Karate Kid person, the teacher one, not the amazingly unaged Ralph Macchio or Will Smith's son. Do as I say, not as I did.<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172096913300041234.post-9604588378644000162014-06-05T11:29:00.005-07:002014-06-05T11:31:58.557-07:00Breaking News!!! Observing Hammock Dude, A Bizarre, Ridiculous, Ludicrous Tradition Gets Way, Way More Ludicrous! by AllisonBREAKING NEWS!!!!<br />
<br />
In the world of random lunacy,<br />
that becomes a tradition amongst the girls and me,<br />
our routine of driving past House of Hammock Dude, <br />
and noting whether he is or is not in his hammock -<br />
<br />
(Note: Mostly that is a yes. <br />
Almost always.<br />
Except today)<br />
<br />
And what, if any, <br />
perplexing changes to Dude's Hammocking are happening?<br />
<br />
As our route to all the places we go involve driving by Hammock Dude's house, <br />
and Observing Hammock Dude is way better car activity than the girls squabbling over whatever ,<br />
or pulling out phones or whatever.<br />
<br />
Really, the car is the only time I really have them captive,<br />
and can extract details of their day and their lives from them - <br />
they cannot escape.<br />
<br />
Today was a banner day in What In The World Is Up With That?<br />
regarding Hammock Dude.<br />
<br />
V and I were driving home after she played in the orchestra at Middle School Closing -<br />
<br />
(Note: Different day from Lower School Closing. <br />
I am drowning in events, <br />
now that dance rehearsals and performances are done.<br />
But the scent of sunblock and chlorine ,<br />
and the dulcet tones of my girls screeching over goggles and towels,<br />
means it is time to switch my brain into summer <br />
(meaning swim team and swim meets) mode.)<br />
<br />
And we are stopped at the red light on the fairly major, busy four-lane road,<br />
the light that if we are stuck with a red light, <br />
we have ample time to Observe Hammock Dude?<br />
<br />
Total Nonsense.<br />
<br />
V, who is exhausted after ten thousand events in which she has attended, performed, or both, <br />
and is mostly a violin playing zombie, rightfully so-<br />
is like,<br />
"Mom? Hammock Dude is doing something weird."<br />
<br />
Understatement of the year. <br />
<br />
Hammock Dude has dragged a yuk brown sofa out of his home and placed it next to his chronic hammock.<br />
<br />
Hammock itself is empty.<br />
<br />
Yuk sofa contains Hammock Dude, <br />
and a guitar which is totally a prop because he is not holding it right or playing it at all. <br />
This stupid red light lasts long enough for us to assess this scene.<br />
<br />
Worst <br />
(Best?? <br />
If you want to add to the list of What Is Up With Hammock Dude?) <br />
part?<br />
<br />
He has a homemade, cardboard sign propped against the sofa thing.<br />
<br />
It says "Will Rock For Peace."<br />
<br />
Ug.<br />
No.<br />
Ew.<br />
Why?<br />
<br />
He seems very pleased that the two of us were Observing his (proximity to) Hammocking. <br />
Because of course, he is smack up on a major road, <br />
looking to see who is looking at him. <br />
<br />
But he was lucky he could not hear the conversation in our car, which was:<br />
<br />
Me: "Please tell me that sign does not say Will Rock For Peace."<br />
<br />
V: "Sorry. That's what is says.<br />
Why is he on a sofa instead of the hammock right next to him?"<br />
<br />
Me: "Remember what I told you and your sisters about dudes with sofas in their yards?"<br />
<br />
V: "Not to buy anything they are selling out of a box,<br />
or marry them?"<br />
<br />
Me: "Yes. <br />
He is not hammocking, <br />
he is attention-seeking, overtly,<br />
with this sofa and guitar he doesn't know how to even play and faux Peace on Earth sign."<br />
<br />
V: "Will Rock For Peace? <br />
What does that even mean?"<br />
<br />
Me: "It means he is so clueless he isn't even in his hammock, <br />
and you can rock in a hammock, <br />
and so his sign could have <br />
(by generous hearts, not mine) <br />
been seen as a play on words, <br />
with the hammock rocking and the guitar prop which allegedly can rock, <br />
although he is holding it like a tennis racket,<br />
and no rocking of any kind is happening."<br />
<br />
V: "At least he has his shirt on."<br />
<br />
Me: "Good point. <br />
You know what we are doing? <br />
We are Ham Mocking. <br />
I hate puns, you know that, <br />
but he is pulled up to the side of a busy road, <br />
putting on this nonsense peacock display of I do not even know what - <br />
next to his hammock, and I can't help it. <br />
He's an attention-seeking ham, <br />
and we are mocking him."<br />
<br />
V: "True."<br />
<br />
Me" "Really, ignoring him is the best way to make this nonsense stop, <br />
but we are stuck at this red light,<br />
and it is a family tradition, <br />
Observing Hammock Dude.<br />
Isn't it so fun when we are in the car alone together?"<br />
<br />
V: "At least you aren't talking about music."<br />
<br />
Me: "I can, in one second, if you bait me like that. <br />
Instead, let's vote on who gets to tell your sisters and dad about this new Observation."<br />
<br />
V: "Mphf."<br />
<br />
V got to tell her sisters - I am not kidding, <br />
Observing Hammock Dude is a tradition like normal families have, like,<br />
taco night or something. <br />
I don't know. <br />
We aren't normal. <br />
<br />
(Though I am all for any night in which themed food is cooked by someone other than me, <br />
but that is not one of our traditions so far. <br />
We do things like dress up in costumes like the Incredibles family and surprise Matt on his birthday.)<br />
<br />
E and M were all, <br />
"Why wasn't he in his hammock? <br />
Is the sofa different from the weird chair that is already in his yard?"<br />
<br />
(Note: We are not stalkers. <br />
When we get stuck at that red light, <br />
Observing Hammock Dude is the only distraction until the light turns green. <br />
I think that is why he lives there.)<br />
<br />
And as I am writing this I realize, <br />
I did not go into the whole backstory like I usually do.<br />
Ooops.<br />
I apologize for the brevity (subjective brevity but whatever).<br />
<br />
Backstory:<br />
<br />
Observing Hammock Dude, or Another Absurd Activity Enjoyed by Allison and her Daughters, <br />
by Allison:<br />
<br />
So the drive home from the gym, and also the girls' school,<br />
and lots of other places,<br />
involves passing this one particular house that is known in our family as Home of Hammock Dude. <br />
<br />
We call it this inventive name,<br />
because in this house lives a dude who is ALWAYS in his hammock, <br />
which is placed prominently smack in the middle of his yard,<br />
right by this main road where cars drive by all day and night.<br />
<br />
<br />
Hammock Dude is also always shirtless.<br />
<br />
He's not horrifying, in fact he reminds me of the character Brad Pitt played in True Romance -<br />
<br />
(Note: and purely for informational purposes I have been google imaging Brad Pitt for quite a while just now, <br />
but it was ONLY to further this pointless narrative, <br />
it was not because I was plotting to make another laminated Brad Pitt wall since the one I had in law school no longer exists)<br />
<br />
That character who is always lounging, totally high, <br />
oblivious to the entire universe?<br />
<br />
Here's the Brad Pitt one, and now that I think of it, <br />
it would have been great if he had been shirtless in that movie, <br />
since that would help the character development.<br />
<br />
<img alt="" class="rg_hi uh_hi" data-height="179" data-width="281" height="179" id="rg_hi" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRfRzkNxZUKN_DXzC-z6NbJYCTaIlI4BNtKUF9xfUi7Qt_10pCD" style="height: 179px; width: 281px;" width="281" /><br />
<br />
<br />
So Hammock Dude is not at Brad Pitt level, or I would know his name -<br />
<br />
(JOKING!!! Hammock Dude is a professional lounger in hammocks, <br />
that would not earn enough to support my tea habit)<br />
<br />
but he gives off that same slouchy, <br />
slightly scuzzy but not unattractive, <br />
clueless but harmless vibe.<br />
<br />
And he is ALWAYS in his hammock. <br />
<br />
All the time. <br />
<br />
No matter what, unless it is during ice storm, <br />
and he may be in the hammock then too, <br />
I am just not driving in ice storm to go check. <br />
<br />
The girls keep track of Hammock Dude on their way home from school daily for update, <br />
which is always "Hammock Dude was in his hammock." <br />
<br />
I see him all the time, lounging away, never a shirt, <br />
never doing a thing <br />
(Note: Not even reading! Reading is awesome in a hammock!) <br />
other than being in the hammock. <br />
<br />
And now I have written hammock so much I think I am spelling it wrong so going to check on that now, whew, had it right, moving on. . .<br />
<br />
Anyway, today is major breakthrough in Observation of Hammock Dude. <br />
<br />
Apparently, professional hammock lounging is not earning him enough (or any) money to pay the rent or buy a shirt or weed, <br />
because he is now Hammock Dude, <br />
The Entrepreneur. <br />
<br />
And I am pretty sure that he has completely baked his brain out of his head through whatever he has injested or smoked or whatever.<br />
Or maybe just gone insane from doing nothing other than hammocking for years. <br />
(It has been years, really, <br />
that we have been Observing Hammock Dude).<br />
<br />
Because his business? <br />
Is selling warm generic soda out of a brown cardboard box, <br />
conveniently located right next to hammock, <br />
so he can continue to lounge while running this very thriving enterprise.<br />
<br />
Of selling gross warm fake drinks for two dollars a can. <br />
I know the price,<br />
because he has very cleverly made a cardboard sign that reads "Coke 2 $."<br />
<br />
<br />
This sad sign is also very inaccurate, <br />
because there is not Coke in that box, <br />
it is clearly Food Lion generic versions of random sodas. <br />
<br />
And also? <br />
The dollar sign should come in front of the 2 if he is going to word it like that.<br />
And also?<br />
Two dollars for yuk warm soda can? <br />
<br />
All of that is absurd.<br />
<br />
And of course the girls want to stop and check out this very booming business of NO ONE buying Hammock Dude's drinks, <br />
plus, <br />
to add another thing to the list of why Hammock Dude needs to rethink his business model?<br />
He lives on a super busy road, <br />
and you can't easily hop off of it and go buy your nasty warm drink, which you would never do anyway.<br />
And then to get back on the road would be worse. <br />
<br />
And I am all,"Girls, why do you want to get gross drinks that I will not let you drink from Hammock Dude?" <br />
<br />
And they are all, "He's doing something different, it's exciting!"<br />
<br />
And I am all, <br />
"We are not stopping for gross yuk drinks at Hammock Dude's pretend store. <br />
We can be fascinated by the fact that he is always in his hammock, <br />
because that is strange,<br />
and its constancy can amuse us,<br />
and his dedication to hammocking can impress or confuse us, <br />
but we are not going to go hang out with him, <br />
because he is a stranger, <br />
and also a shirtless Hammock Dude, <br />
and your dad would kill me, <br />
and to make this an educational experience?<br />
Let's discuss his bad business plan,<br />
and how you will never ever date any guy who has a job of professional hammock lounger." <br />
<br />
And as further proof that I am Mother of the Year, <br />
I also added to that list Dudes Who Sit on Sofas That Are Outside of Their Homes. <br />
<br />
My duty is done for the day, <br />
now can go back to google imaging <br />
(Or not, I may go teach the girls long division, you'll never know.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com