Friday, September 28, 2012

An Open Letter To Target: Stop Selling Wines With Insulting and Patronizing Names Or We Won't Let You Come To Our Book Club, by Allison

Dear Target:
I am officially mad at you, and I hate to fight with you.

I am on your team, remember?

Always seem to need something that turns into giant cart of stuff and then I have to go back again for the party supplies, sometimes I have three girls who turn into savage feral cat vampire vulture children throwing everything they can find in the cart?


I normally totally approve of your choices in marketing, stocking the store, keeping things with the vague notion of aspirational items and things I probably need and things that are shiny and stuff for the house that is boring and all.

I always give you gold star for keeping the stores and carts non-gross,
turning stuff over fast so it does not looked picked through like bargain basement store,
getting designers to do capsule collections,
having ballet flats and flip flops in stock when I need them,
having cute holiday things that trick me into thinking I need them and that I don't already have this cute little tree thing for the mantel so better get it,
PLUS now milk and wine??

I realize you are working me over.

 I get that, and I respect the very good job you do with that.

I am aware that by making things a teensy bit nicer, you are wooing me, luring me into lifelong super shopper status.

I know that, am cool with it, is very very clever.

I know I am your demographic, as woman in house who buys stuff for everybody, we are your people.

We love getting all the socks and detergent and makeup wipes and Tide to Go along with digital camera thingys we lost and baby gifts and impulse purchases you have placed well for just that reason at Target, because there is a certain level of respect, or at least acknowledgement that you like us, you know what we need and stock it, the store won't be gross, surely you can grab a teacher gift while there too, so we load up our giant S.U.V's on a weekly basis and drive off to clog the air with inefficent giant kid-mobiles to get our Starbucks.

I am very on board with your strategy and have always admired it for its cleverness and effectiveness. Gold star, totally.

Except now.

You need to call the marketing people, wrangle yourself up some new focus groups. You can call me if you want some suggestions.

Because here is where you have made me grumpy, Target.

You are being offensive in your wine selection. 

Not the quality, not the variety, but the NAMES.

They are awful and insulting and I am now worked up into indignant froth.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Is it Possible To Have Too Much Fun? Must I Scale Back The Fun? I Vote NO, But Am Not Making A List About It, by Allison

So, is Monday (Ha!  Now it is Tuesday, that is how productive I was yesterday, or, I shall phrase it as, that's how very very busy I was doing super important things to benefit my family and also the universe) I am all, whew, I had a big week last week. I need to tone it down this week, have some me time or something.

And then I feel like idiot as my big week last week was (other than regular routine): Go to see bands in city 2 hours away (The Neighbourhood, Passion Pit, whee!), Go to Matt's office party that turns into HUMONGOUS DANCE RAGE FUN (more on that later), Go see a concert in my friend P's backyard that he has turned into backyard concert venue for actual awesome musicians, there is not one un-fun thing in that list of stuff.  That is a fab list of fab things.

I am doing nothing benefiting the overall world (Except music appreciation is a good thing and can earn a Girl Scout badge, I know this to be true), nothing taxing (Except dancing, that totally counts as cardio), what in the world am I bemoaning?

I am grumpy because I cannot rally as I used to. When I was eighteen or whatever. (Note: Am still very, very young.) After regular Wednesday of yuk gym and kid stuff and Matt's long day of doctoring, we drive off to see a show, because I wrote it on an envelope when I was supposed to be organizing the girls' activities and stuff.
I wrote it, on envelope, so it is so.

Friday, September 21, 2012

And When She Was Good, a Book Review and Poem Flashback Please I Hope I Am Not Horrid, by Allison

So when I was a little girl (Note: not that long ago, remember, I am very, very young) my mom used to recite this poem to me, and I am way too lazy to google but am pretty sure it is a real poem by a poet, and this is what I remember:

There once was a little girl, who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead,
And when she was good, she was very, very good,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

And I was both baffled and horrified, but also intrigued and curious about this poem. Apparently as a very young baby person I had a curl on the top of my head, which was, all the hair I had, tied with a ribbon or shaped into a curl. I have no curl to my hair, have always been envious of those who do.

So I remember thinking, is this about me (baby narcissist, surely)? What stuff is the good? Am I also horrid?

 Horrid is the worst word, in the best sense of the word, meaning it is so clearly, definitely, stingingly saying "awful, terrible, shameful, gross, wicked" in one tidy, Austenian word.
By the time I was old enough to process this poem (and am going to google it later as am now curious) I had not a curl to my head, nor an idea of what good and/or horrid things myself or poem girl were up to.

So this is long leadup (shock!!!) to a book I just read, by an author I usually like but do not LOVE LOVE, but do like and will read, book is And When She Was Good, by Laura Lippman.
And When She Was Good

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Violating Rules of Civilized Society By Being Super Awful And Scaring Children, Or, If You See Me Throwing Produce, I Have A Reason, by Allison

So I am not known for my skills in punctuality.  Not usually early, kind of schooch in at the last second. Am working on that, as one of my three girls is very time sensitive and I do not want to stress her out because I like the song on the radio.
But I do have a plot, a plan, a routine for my basic gym, violin, grocery, pickup, Starbucks, things that I do every day for the most part.
And for the grocery, I have timed it down to the exact minute (23 minutes, am not making this up, it is pretty much totally accurate unless sushi guy is busy and can't do V's carrot rolls right away) including possible delays involving slow choosers of prepared foods, long lines, etc. Have been doing this route for a while, and am pretty much solid on how it is going to go.

So the other day on this very routine routine, somehow several delays in a row slowed down my timetable.  My bad, people who are lingering at prepared foods or sushi guy or butcher have every right to do so, it is just not a normal thing for a string of delays to happen during the same grocery run.

Am not grumpy, do not think I have special entitlement to Go To Front Of Line, I swear. But I was getting nervous, as variety of delays made timetable kind of close and I was headed next to violin lesson for E the girl who observes clock.

So I did something I have NEVER done, although in reverse, I have done this a bunch over the years, meaning, if I have big old cart of stuff and someone behind me has little bitty basket, or person behind me is dealing with 2 squalling kids or having hard time standing or whatever, I offer for that person or group of screaming kids or such to go ahead of me. Not because I am Good Samaritan Give Me Gold Star, just seems like they need to go ahead more than I do, and that is fine by me.

And if anyone has ever asked me if they can get ahead of me in line, for whatever reason or no reason given, I am cool with that. Because in my life experience (Note: which, granted, I am still very, very young) most people wait in line in civilized fashion (Subnote: This does not apply to very odd people in line behind me and my friends at Universal Studios E.T. ride, those people had NO sense of personal space at ALL) and everything is cool, we move along, nobody loses an eye.

So the thing I did that I swear I have never done before is ask this couple in front of me in line if I could possibly go ahead (Note: I did not have ginormous cart full of eleventy billion things) due to unexpected time crunch leading me to be in hurry to get to daughter's violin lesson.
I ask nicely, and do not expect them to say yes or no, really, no idea, but hoping for yes.

Wicked, Twisty, Stormy Music, Am Obsessed, The Neigbhourhood's "Female Robbery" , Am Obsessed, by Allison

Well, I am not sure what kind of twisty, malevolent, strange wind is coming type of mood I am in right now, on this Saturday morning, post-gym.

I will say this, though, it is NOT a cheery skippy whee yay mood.
I am blaming it on the fact that it is still sunny and hot and I am getting deranged from the non-rain and non-gloom and have started divining out the rainy, stormy things in the world as soothing balm.

So on that note, I have been obsessing over this spooky, excellent, wicked song by The Neighbourhood, "Female Robbery." Is awesome, sneaky, dark, and not at all sunny or cheerful.
"Leave everything that is worth a single cent and just take me instead?" It is creepy and wicked and cool.

And I just watched the video and it is either excerpts from some 1940's film noir or styled that way, I can't tell and am too lazy to google, and it doesn't matter, because either way, it is totally, snakily fantastic.

And now am on constant repeat, my version of a rain dance.

But whether you are as desperate for a thunderstorm as I am or not, check out this song, this band, they are cool, and I am fixated on them right now.

The Neighbourhood's "Female Robbery" 
Ug, addendum: the video I posted is no longer viewable in US, not sure why, but here is the song, is so fabulously twisty cool and sneaky good:

And Update!

And Crazy Awesome Interview And Update!

Friday, September 14, 2012

Dear Weather, STOP with the Hot and Sunny. Am Grumpy. Want Rain. Please Cooperate, Am Asking Nicely, a Plea, by Allison

Ok, weather. We need to talk.
STOP with the hot and the sunny.

Is boring.

Is tedious.

Is not inventive, like, at ALL.

Poor showing for you. Also, it makes horrible boot camp class worse when I have to do yuk stuff in the hot and the sun, that is just not working for me anymore.

I am sure, Weather, that you have stuff to do and so the monotonous Hot and Sunny is easy and you don't really have to put much effort into it, and maybe you are procrastinating. I get that.

 I do that, too. Right now, actually, am totally avoiding other stuff to rant to Weather about Weather's Very Bad and Boring Choices.  I am not judging.

Wait, that is totally not true.
Am very much judging, am actually holding a Court of Law Judge Allison Now In Session, and it is not a jury trial, I am sole decider, and I find you guilty of Boring Stupid Hot Sunny Weather Stop It.

I would very much like to wear my fall wardrobe.
I am NICER when it is not hot and sunny.
If you have to push pause on your TiVo during a good part in The Bachelorette (See, I am going to disparage you and your television choices until you play along here, Weather), just make it rain at least.

Gloomy rain, please.
I am rereading Pride and Prejudice right now and I want some mist.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

At Least I Did Not Run Away Screaming, Or Middle School Technology Night, A Treatise On Why I Should Never Deal With Anything That Can Break, by Allison

So total miracle just occurred.  If you are a new reader to my TOTALLY IMPORTANT AND RELEVANT blog, you may ask, "Huh, what miracle? World peace? No hunger? Ozone now totally fine?"

However, if you have even spent two seconds dealing with me in word form or in person (and I am guessing also my future vengeful ghost will be this way too) ever, you probably realize No, nothing that is actual miracle occurred, is just Allison And Her Nonsense Not Causing Harm or Embarrassment To Herself Or Others.

This particular miracle (Note: I say it is miracle, so there. I know I need more evidence to send it to the Pope and get it officially miracle-ized, but consider it in this way, like, patent pending or such) just happened because I survived, without getting a poisonous rash, cutting off my hair in terrible and very unsuccessful attempt to look like famous Australian singer-actress, and most importantly, did NOT humiliate (Note: That I am aware of, I might find out I accidentally totally embarrassed V in some way later, but she did not do the immediate, "Ugggg, Mom" or "Really?" that I usually get from her when I go off the rails) my daughter V or Matt at Middle School Technology Night, which look, progress, I can even type the words Middle and School and not freak out!

But then, they have to go throw in the Technology thing. Seriously, is next week going to be Middle School Technology Plus Donate A Kidney And Fly To Mars And Also Do The Hard Math Stuff Night? Because I need to prepare, otherwise known as run far, far away. 

So Middle School Technology (See? I am getting better, right? A whole sentence without mentioning the trauma of my Poison Ivy Plus Bad Hair Add In The Being Taller Than Everyone Middle School beginnings) night happens because the new Middle Schoolers at V's most excellent middle school (which is attached to excellent lower school and I do not have direct evidence as I am VERY young, remember, but hear the upper school is awesome too) get laptops.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Best Funnest Music Night That Also Included Allison Getting To Talk To Allison Approved Band A Silent Film, plus sad sad country song that makes me sob every time as bonus, by Allison

So, I have totally declared myself  Decider Of What Is Awesome,
and take this pretend job very seriously.
And as am also benevolent benefactor of the awesome,
it is my solemn duty to share the following Royal Decree: 

The band A Silent Film is MOST EXCELLENTLY AWESOME. 
I know I have already written about their stuff
(Note: I am sure all have memorized everything I post,
but just in case,
I waxed poetic about A Silent Film and their fabulosity here:

But I have new information!
Otherwise known as whee yay tra la la, Matt and I went to see A Silent Film play a killer show, much  awesomeness last night.
And I can verify and add extra exclamation points,
capital letters THEY ARE SO GOOD.

We were lucky,
the venue was small so it was easier for me to snake my way up to very front,
as I am wont to do.
And so I got to see them playing their cool and thrashy and lovely and excellent music,
and also witness their dynamic, electric,
squee yay whee show.



Lead singer and pianist
(Note: Previously Established Allison Approves qualities of British,
Musician, Good Hair totally happening here,
plus piano playing and really engaging and owning the crowd)
and drummer

(Note: Managing the very challenging task of both drumming,
 and also being cool to watch perform,
does not blur into background of stage like sometimes drummers can do)
being Awesome.

And after the show,
got to chat with lovely drummer, Spencer Walker,
 and then, extremely delightful fun scenario,
involving me overhearing in the ladies' room
(My Intense People Watching Pretend Job in full force here)
these two girls, who were toting GINORMOUS cameras,
 that were kind of intense-looking cameras,
discussing their strategies for pursuing band members -
 for whatall I do not know?
 But I don't think it was Scrabble.

But alas, Camara-Ready Groupies!!!!
'Twas not meant to be.
For upon exiting ladies' room, lead singer, named Robert Stevenson,
who did I mention the British and the musician and the hair and the awesomeness?
If not, that was happening,
plus also he was chatting with Matt,
(who had very perfect floppy hair last night, gold star for him)
and I of course joined in, duh, and he is fantastic guy. 
Not egocentric lead singer guy,
or chemically altered to the point of wha? lead singer guy.
Is Awesome lead singer guy. 

I have PROOF:


See?  Granted, my phone camera is subpar, but still.
He does not have "get this crazy away from me" face on, because he is cool dude.

And since it is known (by me),
 that my Very Important Blog (determined by me),
 has established A Silent Film as Totally Allison Approved,
I was compelled to let him know.

And to also let him know that my post on "Danny and Dakota and the Wishing well,"
in which I detail my love for good story-songs,
which theirs is,
as opposed to sad story songs,
mostly of the country music genre,
involving lots of deaths and dyings and super sad things that I cannot process,
led to me getting into chats with people from a blog DEDICATED to sad country songs.

 Like, that is their thing.

And since I have blog dedicated to whatever it is I like and/or am doing/watching/listening to/avoiding/flash mobbing about?

I am glass house, no stone throwing,
am kettle, no calling pots black.

But it did make me laugh that referencing a song as being awesome because it was NOT a sad country story song,
 but in fact the opposite
(Note: People Of The World Hear This:
Go listen to A Silent Film's song.
Actually all their stuff.
Is good for you.
Is Awesome)
led to sad country song fans wanting to debate about the merits of sad country songs.

And let me say this,
listen to whatever floats your boat (but I have really good recommendations if you need any,
since I Have Best Taste In Music Ever, as decided by me)
but I cannot bear the heartache of "He Stopped Loving Her Today" by George Jones.
Is tragic.
Makes me cry every time.
So I discuss this with Robert Stevenson,
lead singer for A Silent Film whose awesome show I just saw,
 and am now totally talking to him about my nonsense.

 He has not heard of this song,
as he is British and I am not sure George Jones was as big over there as he was in South here.  
But he humors me, and I repeat,
A Silent Film is fantastic -
 you should listen to their music and go see them live as they are great live!!!!!

But as I promised, (and thanks very much,
had to cry through three versions of the song below to find a good video),
one of the best, saddest, gut-wrenching sad country songs EVER, George Jones' "He Stopped Loving Her Today."

Monday, September 3, 2012

Life Tastes Sweeter When Awesome Friend Comes To Town, Plus Am Now Forcing Perfect Twisty Song As Theme Song So She Will Stop With The John Denver, or Jump Into The Fog, by Allison

So, fun friend CC is back, so soon after I visited her for Most Excellentest Duran Duran Concert Yay It Was Not Cancelled PS They Are Awesome, she is using Casa Allison as stopping place on some sort of journey she is taking with her insanely ludicrous pug doggie.

And even though Responsible Things have to happen, and are happening, such as V getting ready for 6th grade camping trip (with LIST, I kept my fear in check) and V and E dressing in lovely manner taken to and fro Junior Assembly. Also fed, all that good stuff.

And like little wicked red devil on my shoulder, CC, who does NOT have to pack for her pug to go on a camping trip or put sheer stockings and white gloves on the pug for Junior Assembly, is all, let's make that delicious Sword of the Giant! Where are the yearbooks? What trouble can we cause?

So Matt, trusty well behaving person, will make sure alls well that ends well, V, E, and M will not get hijacked into any nonsense.

But as I am trying to force my music on CC, as she is trying to make me listen to Linda Ronstadt (and I had to ask spelling on last name, although I DID have the 8 track of her Greatest Hits, and am not anti-Linda Ronstadt, I am just more pro-Wombats song I want her to listen to so we can stop fighting about politics, which shows you the NERD level of trouble we are engaged in, fighting over music and politics) so I am silencing her (figuratively, she is now singing) and am posting a song I LOOOOVE, with lyrics that are fab and twisty, Wombats Jump Into The Fog, because "life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in debauchery"
(Note: NERD debauchery. No need to call the authorities. )

But here is awesome Wombats Jump Into The Fog, because she is now trying to play "You Light Up My Life" on her phone and that has to STOP.