Friday, November 14, 2014

Who Says Scrabble Isn't Violent? And Also, Violent Is An Excellent Scrabble Word! Advice, by Allison.

So, the girls are home from school.
And there is no responsible adult to govern us.

And I am feeling like a Pioneer,
or at least a Parent Who Pays Attention To Stuff?

So I declare,
as we arrive home:

"We are having a wholesome,
no electronics,
or things that plug in,
or make beeps,

Tell all your friends we did this,
and also your teachers."

E: "Your Kindle is electronic."

Me: "Not really.
It is magical."

(Proof: )

V: "Mom, it has a cord.
That plugs in to electrical outlet."

Me: "Whatever.
Kindles are the exception.

If you all want to read on your Kindles,
fine by me."

E: "You broke all of our Kindles."

Me: (Internally):
That is kind of true.

Me: (Out loud):
"That is not totally true.

One is very finicky and obstinate.
The other one is playing hard to get."

V: "What about the rest of them?"

Me: "Not relevant.

Find a board game or a book."

The following ensues:

Who Says Scrabble Isn't Violent?
And Also, Violent Is An Excellent Scrabble Word!
Advice, by Allison:

1. E finds her book and reads.
This is delightful to me,
but I don't say that.

Because I am not throwing a parade for someone reading a book,
you are supposed to do that,
and in fact,
it is way better than watching reruns of Full House,

Why is that show mesmerizing,
so far past its shelf life?

I am thrown off by the mullets,
and cannot process the rest of it.

2. I digress.
V and M pull out the Scrabble board.

Also delightful!

3. V then says M does not know how to play Scrabble.

I am all,

"Teach her, then.
Or, you can do other wholesome activity like tending to the fields.
Which means cleaning up after the dogs outside."

4. Scrabble lesson immediately begins.

5. And I am all,
I can be Pioneer Gold Star Parent too!
I will cook stuff!

6. But then, I hear bickering.

7. It is loud.

8. I say,
as I am all Gold Star cooking stuff for real :

"I hear violence.
There is no violence in Scrabble."

9. I am totally lying.

Anyone who has played Scrabble with someone who uses a timer?

Or owns a Scrabble Dictionary?

Or carries their Scrabble in velvet wrappings?

knows this:

There is absolutely violence in Scrabble.

If your opponent cares too much,
play out your letters.

Short words that aren't Scrabble bonanzas,
but who cares.

Retreat, it is not worth it.
Go read on your Kindle.

Nobody should scrapple over Scrabble.

10. But, it is my duty to give Scrabble tips, right?

11. So I was like,
There is no violence in Scrabble.

If you need to burn off energy?
Play Twister or clean up the backyard.
no violent Scrabble."

12. But I have to properly parent.

13. So I follow up with
"But violent is a really good Scrabble word.
V's are hard to work in,
and can be very helpful in a triple word score."

14. V : "Don't insult my letter."

15. Me : "Ug.
Stop being ridiculous.
V's are unicorns,
only trumped by X or something."

16. E : (Who is supposed to be reading,
 and is not playing Scrabble,
 and all this unplugged family fun is going downhill fast)

"So you are saying E is not as special?"

17. Me: (Internally ):
I should have let them watch TV.
John Stamos,
or those Olsen twins?

They could have had a life lesson all wrapped up,
in the time it is taking me to deal with this.

18. Me : (Out loud) :
We are going to have a whole thing over the first letter in our names?
I am not adequately caffeinated to sort this out.

There are more E's than V's in Scrabble.
More vowels than consonants.
If you consult a dictionary,
which I always advise unless you are playing Scrabble,
because that is a total buzzkill thing to do?

More vowels.
Not a bad thing.

And not at all why any of you have your names,
and this is becoming a very cumbersome
Wholesome No Electronics Afternoon.

19. I am on Nineteen?
Really, already?

That was what my afternoon was like.

My Gold Star Pioneer Parenting?
Turned into the Geneva Convention.
Or Judge Judy.

20. Me: "V and M,
no stealing all the E's from the Scrabble board.
I will know you did it.

And E,
 no stealing them and using them in a monogram thing,
or to frame your sisters.

I will know you did it."

21. Me again: "And V and M,
no stealing your own letters from the Scrabble board.
I will know you did it.

And E,
no stealing their letters.
I will know you did it."

22. Clearly,
Scrabble is no longer happening.

23. I stopped cooking stuff, too.

I am on 23 already,
it only the afternoon.

Exhibit Number XXXVI3 times ten  Why I Want An Intern.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Carpool Through The Decades! Or, How I Entertain Myself With Entertainment, by Allison

So, today?
Carpool Through The Decades!

On my loop number 8 trillion infinity plus times extra,
to get E to voice lesson today?

Radio was clearly aware that I needed amusement and distraction -

So that I would momentarily forget that I was basically driving in circles for the afternoon,
after running in circles at the gym.

I love it when my radio senses my mood and fixes it.

PS: These photos were all taken at red lights,
and I am not a hazard on the road.

I am a total parking hazard, that is for sure.
But photos at red lights only.

First up?
Middle school throwback,
and only time I ever tried to learn German!

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99 Luftballons.


And also?
Sad, and I think it was a protest song protesting something,
but I was too busy trying to phonetically learn German and sing along,
and missed that whole thing.

And then?
We hop up a decade
(Or more.
Not doing math.)


I love Lenny Kravitz.
Late 90's, I think.
(Too lazy to google.)

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Matt used to protest that this song
(Fly Away) misrepresented dragonflies,
since they don't fly so very high into the sky,
and instead,
they skim water and surfaces.

I told him dragonflies were gross,
 and alarmingly large for a bug,
 and had guts if they splatter,

And it is nice of Lenny Kravitz to give them a shout out in his song.
And I love Lenny Kravitz.
And I Am Right.

(Note: I must be right about the decade,
because this was when
Matt was still learning about the many ways in which I cannot be reasoned with rationally,
When it comes to music, (etc . .)
And What I Know To Be True, You Are Wasting Your Time,
I Am Right.)

Memory lane of fun!

Ooh, next I am winding back,
to a thrashy,
discord punk memory lane!

(That is why this picture is blurry.)

Sonic Youth!

Carpool Back To The Future Of Present Past?

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Followed by?

More Adventures In Carpooling Through The Decades!

To Right Now.

Lurching Back To The Now
Of Future Is Later
And Past Has Already Happened?

Like, This minute now.

Can't Predict,
But Guessing I Will Hear This Song A Lot Imagine Dragons New Song?

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Is stompy, clappy exact definition of current.

Like a soap bubble shelf life.

But it's catchy! 

And I stayed in the now, because I love alt-J.

I love alt-J.
Left Hand Free.
And I cannot get sick of this song,
because this song is awesome.

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Also, Left Hand Free?

I am left handed.

I know French and Latin words for left handedness are thinly-veiled synonyms for evil-
English translation:

 "Kevin Spacey Will Play The Definition Of This In Movies and TV."

This may be true in other languages, too.
 I do not know,

especially German,
 if it wasn't in a 1980's pop protest song I couldn't learn.

All I know is,

I was told in 5th grade I could only get a C or worse,
if I wrote with the left handed hand crook thing.

And I was,
 and am goal oriented,
And prone to outrage.

I practiced, forever,
and since then,
I have written with the paper straight and my hand straight,
give me my A plus and gold star,

I can't do calligraphy or scoop ice cream,
but I am not sure if that is because I am left handed,
or just am indifferent to calligraphy and ice cream.

I agree with all the stuff where left handed people are the best,
most smartest, etc.

I am not sold on the benefits of left handedness in tennis, though.
Growing up,
I think famous tennis players were left handed?

I don't know.
I was hopeful, taking tennis lessons.

Except for the tennis shoes part,
but I wore the stupid shoes and white outfit,
and I think I had barrettes to match.

And I got fired in fourth grade,
after one tennis lesson.

For real,

The tennis coach said "Find a new sport."

Unfortunately for him,
 my new sport was -
 Remembering This Forever.

I was all,

I don't like things coming at my face anyway.
I was all for the outfits.
But you are mean.
I will take more dance classes,
and add on
Telling Everyone Ever Forevermore
How You Made Me Feel Awful
And Left Handed Means Awesome,
So There,
as an extra sport. "

And I can wear whatever shoes I want!

And as a reminder of that era?

Back to the 80's!
Love & Rockets!

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Break out the keyboards and nostalgia.

And then,
 song from band we all now have on our iThis or iThats,
whether we like it or not!

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I am mercurial when it comes to U2.

I like their B side stuff.
(When things used to be on records or tapes,
Ye Olden Days.
I am not doing math,
but whatever.)

The non-giant, angsty ballad anthems.

I like the twisty, quiet angst ones.

And speaking of angst?

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I flicked the station before finding out if this was his more recent collaboration stuff,
that I don't want to hear,
or those old,
creepy spoken-word recitations of Mr. Tambourine Man or Rocket Man,
that I don't want to hear.

I think they may be hypnotic trance things to get me to like Star Trek,
and that is not happening.

(Note: The rest of my house, and I guess,
intergalactic galaxies?
are free to like Star Trek.

I can't do it,
because for me,
it triggers spontaneous narcolepsy.

That may be a gift to the other people in my house and intergalactic galaxies.

Because it shuts me up before I can start in on the outfits,
and the bad haircuts,
and is this the one with the Reading Rainbows guy,
or the kid from Stand By Me?
Is That Winona Ryder?
And. . zzzzzzz.)

Maybe this is a totally different musical thing.
Indie or throwback band I don't know about?

I was not risking listening to find out.

I can't sleep and drive at the same time.

Good news for me!

By the time I flicked back around stations-

(Note: While driving safely,
 and only taking pictures at red lights.
I am adept at screeching and changing the station while driving,

Also car dancing,

But I can barely use .0002 percent of the mysterious features on my new iThingy,
when sitting still.)

Yo La Tengo!

Random delight.

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Cherry Chapstick.
Liked it then.

(Not doing math,
but there is at least a decade involved?
Too lazy to google.
This is why I want an intern.)

Like it now.

All's well that ends well.

E got to her voice lesson,
things got busy around here,
and I just now looked at my new,
mysterious iThingy,
and wondered why I took all those pictures of the radio.

And then I remembered!

Carpool Through The Decades!

That is exhausting, you know.