Wednesday, June 27, 2012

How I Got Fleeced At Target, Please Send Intern: by Allison

So, recent ending of school year has resulted in the girls accompanying me on errands I normally do alone.

And there is a reason for that.

All this time I am pretending to have a sparkly vampire boyfriend, and my children are actual vampires.

So girls are dragged to gym and Starbucks, and after I say we need to go to Target, as I am down to one pack of Neutrogena Makeup Wipes, probably need some Diet Coke and Tide to Go.

They immediately turn into Dickensian characters who have no food, clothing, or toys and are in desperate need.

I tell them this is not going to be one of those free-for-all trips where the checkout lady laughs at me.

They promise.

They LIE.

One second in, they start with the ten billion things they need urgently in order to live.
Apparently E has no socks, which I know not to be true, and M owns no shirts, also untrue.

Further debate reveals E wants colorful socks and M wants sequined tops.

I reluctantly and stupidly agree to one thing each, I know better.

The floodgates open, and the other Target shoppers are forced to witness me saying “no” in various ways, languages, and volumes.

V gets me in the makeup wipe aisle, by saying she wants to start a skin regimen. Far be it from me to discourage skin regimens, I love those.
So more in the cart.
 At food section, they are trying to talk me into giant teddy bear full of cheese puffs.

I say “Is it 1978? Am I a 13 year old boy? Am I Britney Spears during the K.Fed years? No?, Then no cheese puffs, try again.”

I escape that section only to be halted by Barbies. I admit, a weakness of mine, as I loved to play Barbies with my sister and we’d create pageants, dramas, all sorts of fun.

I say, you have lots of Barbies. E says that a lot of them have weird hair now and missing clothes and suffer from “overuse.”

Which? Ha! Crafty.

I relent to one non-fancy (meaning no horse or mirror or hair twirler attached) Barbie, and E and M are thrilled and then want a Ken doll.

I say no, unless you get that Edward from Twilight one, that would be fine.

They want Ken, I am all, why?

He is so boring.

They agree.

But they point out that  someone needs to drive the car or fly the jet.

I am afraid of gender stereotypes so I say, why can’t she fly the plane?

And they say, she will be in the hot tub.

Which? Good point.

Their Barbie Jet has a hot tub, which is ludicrous but delightful, and they should totally make that dweeby Ken fly the plane.

 I say, but she can drive her car!

And sneaky fox children say, what if she wants to read on her Kindle or listen to music?

I realize I am being hustled, we leave that area without Ken or any other driver/pilot.
 V is now toting a football she apparently needs for no reason ever, she cannot even come up with a valid fake reason, but then she sees a shirt that she says she wants because “it looks like something you would wear, Mom.”

This is debatable, as it is neon yellow and sold at Target, but somehow I fall for that one, and of course checking out we get the checkout lady I only ever get when I have all the girls and they have put the entire contents of the store in our cart.

 I never get her when I am buying 3 things.

She, of course, laughs at me, I spent 10 times what I would have spent without hoodlum children, the kids agree they will not go into a Target until November, and as we pull away, V goes “except for back to school stuff we absolutely need.”

At least I know who our checkout lady will be.