Friday, July 6, 2012

Well, This Is Disturbing, or I Am Not A Senior Citizen, Hallmark Channel! by Allison

So I don't watch a ton of TV (and this is not Madonna-like snobbery, I am not off being macrobiotic or something, it is purely because my Kindle is Magic Kindle that delivers books to me in one second and Kindle plus Allison equals TruLuv4Eva) and the girls typically watch Disney Channel because some of the shows are kind of cute (I love you, Good Luck Charlie!) and they can't agree on anything else and my rule is, if squabbling, TV is off, you are writing me a poem. (They have to do that anyway sometimes, but it is good threat in this situation).

 But tonight, all are exhausted due to really huge, long, crazy city-wide swim meet that somehow had more people there than exist in our city, and as one guy pointed out, more 9 year old girls swimming backstroke than there are 9 year old girls on the entire East Coast. Ha! And true. So Matt's home, we're all happy family cozy (even the bad dog as well as good one allowed to participate) and he flicks on the Hallmark Channel, and it is Little House on the Prairie.

 (Note: I was not a humongous LHOTP fan as a kid, mostly because I could not deal with the possibility of them being cold or in want of a basic need or having to wear those calico dresses and I was sure somebody was going to die at any second, it stressed me out. I was a Charlie's Angels girl, because of clear aspirational aesthetics and you knew nobody was going to actually get hurt except for maybe poor Kate Jackson and her turtleneck outfits.)

But I have noticed that even stuff I did not like growing up now seems charming and "ah, the memories" to me now. Don't get me wrong, there is no Def Leppard on my iPod, but I think it is an actual thing that I can recall things fondly even if I didn't even like them in the first place, because apparently, I am not only OLD, but am on death's door.

Case in Point: We watch two minutes of LHOTP, in which I attempt to explain the basics of the show without getting into Mary going blind because I Cannot Deal With That. And then, commercials.


 Not kidding. V and E (11 and 9, and quite well versed in sarcasm and irony as that is one of the goals of my parenting) look at each other, and are all, "Mom, do you want to write that number down?" And I am all, "No, when I drop dead you all will have to deal with it, you write it down, plus M is still being sweet so she gets my jewelry. Also, remember I am going to be vengeful ghost so no cremating me from cheap place on this commercial."

Matt is still trying to just hang out and pet the dogs and ignore us, when the next commercial comes on. And it is for electronic scooters for use in getting around when you aren't able to do so anymore. V immediately shakes with laughter, and then the next part is, if you have fallen in the last 12  months you may qualify for a free scooter. So E stands up and falls down, ten times, trying to magically get herself a scooter.

And the kicker: along with the scooter, they will throw in playing cards "with extra, extra large font" so that you can read them while riding your scooter as you zip along to your 100th birthday party.  So the entire family is in hysterics at this point, although E is still trying to figure out how to get a scooter free for falling down, but we are howling away at what kind of show we are watching if the commercials are geared towards the extremely elderly. And I am all for the elderly, and hope anyone who needs one gets a free scooter with playing cards,  but I am not currently elderly and my kids do not need any more fodder for their arsenal of Mom jokes.

Pandora's Box has been opened, we have giant laugh fest, I announce I didn't even like that show anyway and is Charlie's Angels on? And the girls (minus M, she is laughing quite a bunch but also throwing in, "Mommy you are pretty" and "Mommy you are not old" because she knows me and she totally wants my jewelry when I die,  apparently in five minutes from now) need like 10 minutes to get a grip on themselves before I declare no more shows with apparent audience skewing towards 85 and older.

 See, I think LHOTP syndication people are making a mistake here, because I know plenty of friends my age with more rational brains who were not constantly afraid of bears eating that little girl and everyone starving from a blizzard and therefore they loved LHOTP, and ads for things they might buy would probably have some success. Because one thing I can tell you/LHOTP/Hallmark Channel/companies buying ad space during LHOTP is this: DO NOT CALL US OLD. It is rude. Pay attention to when the show was on in the first place, do the math, advertise stuff that age lady who is making her kids watch your reruns to relive her youth would buy.
 (Note: cosmetics companies and Tide to Go, this is your chance!!)