So I am allegedly an adult.
(Shut up. Is true.)
Supposed to be able to be fully functioning person-type thing with brain that works.
Isn't that how it goes?
When I was a kid, I remember thinking adults knew stuff and could do stuff, and not just open pickle jars and drive cars.
Now I am not so sure.
Here is the deal: I am Stumped.
Stymied.
Flummoxed.
At A Loss. (Note: Not at a loss for a thesaurus, that is at least one thing I can do, is think of words). Words that describe How I Cannot Do Something I Should Be Able To Do!
I am not incapacitated. I went to school and learned stuff, got good grades, even! I swear!
This is almost embarrassing to admit, but it has been already established not much embarrasses me, I do flash mobs in front of people I know.
What, pray tell, is such a conundrum for me?
World peace?
Ozone layer not there anymore?
Theory of Relativity?
Reasons why Kardashians exist?
No.
Is way worse.
I cannot get my girls' schedules for the year straight.
At all.
What is even worse is Matt has scooped the girls up to see historical landmarks (yay) and go to grody water park (boo, but I am not there, so yay) for the sole reason of giving me time without having to debate every three seconds with E, get coated in lip gloss by M, or try to get V to stop using all the paper clips for sculptures.
Time to do something I SHOULD be able to do.
But I cannot.
And it is not like the girls are astronauts and cardiac surgeons on call and opera singers on world tour and traveling acrobats (that would be cool, though.)
They are KIDS.
But get this: they do stuff, and their stuff goes up against their sisters' stuff, and I cannot fit the square peg into round hole.
(Note: Am now stressed out that by using that phrase while stressed out, my hair is going to go all Sarah Jessica Parker circa Square Pegs era, and then I would have to jump off roof, and no schedule for the girls AT ALL)
Because E's orchestra happens to overlap when the ballet/tap/jazz class she is supposed to take on her trajectory in dance.
M's ballet is timed in just not enough time to get home from school and then turn around and go back for dance, which means V is on the loose, or maybe not, because I do not know when yoga is yet.
And then there is swimming, which at least is all in one place at same time, just have to find day they can all go, and lacrosse fall ball starts and I cannot even figure out the U9 or U11 or whatall they are calling things, please just say This Aged Girl Go Here.
And what is worse, is tar baby, the more I get into it, the worse off I am.
Now I cannot even get school menu to print, so M will starve, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what school supplies V needs to start middle school (somebody throw me a line here, am drowning) and I will NOT go to Target for school supplies unless I have to, because that is bedlam. IT IS SEVENTH RING OF HELL.
The index cards you need do not fit in the index card box they say to get.
The erasers are not right shape.
Some Evil Villain bought all the plain folders, and you can't send in one with dragons or Zac Efron on it.
One year I almost lost my mind, with all 3 girls trying to shop for school supplies.
I'd turn around and they were chucking every single thing they got their hands on into the cart.
The lists, the lists, the HORROR.
I have not gotten over it.
But brilliant school/school fundraisers/warlords now sell all the school supplies you need, in one fell swoop, delivered to your kid's desk on day one, just click here and pay.
And I will pay whatever.
All our money.
The dogs, both the good one and the bad one.
I only need one kidney, right?
But this scheme is only for the Lower School, and V is starting Middle School.
And I think it might be because my brain hears "middle school" and freezes up in terror, deer in the headlights, please no, no middle school.
I mean, V's middle school is fantastic and she is totally excited and does not realize I am addled by this. I am not allowing her to realize middle school was blurry nightmare of WHY AM I TALL AND NOT BLOND?
She's fine.
I'm not.
And due to my nonsense, I honestly cannot absorb what she is supposed to have for school.
There are laptops, but there is a meeting on that, I wrote it down.
But what if I missed something when hiding under the bed thinking of my first week of middle school?,
Which get this!
I both:
1. Cut all my hair off in attempt to look like Olivia Newton-John in her "Physical" video, which is the dumbest idea ever, even ON-J did not wear that hair well, and she is known gorgeous lady, I was a sixth grader who should NOT have done that to myself. But it gets better:
2. Catch worse case of poison ivy ever playing Kick the Can (a game I HATE and why I was playing it I have no idea as I normally would just walk the other way when that started up in my cul-de-sac), so bad I had to get shots, take giant amounts of antihistamines, be covered in bright red scaly skin, and have to wear GIANT WEIRDO sunglasses and GLOVES to the first week of middle school.
Was traumatized.
Clearly still am.
Must get over this, must figure out supplies, will call trustworthy friend Mrs. S, am sure she has notes and lists and has figured this all out.
And regarding the girls' after-schools and sports and music and all, I NEED AN INTERN. Universe, please.
I will behave, I promise.
Send help.
