Monday, May 2, 2016

The War Of The Roses, But Worse. My Fit Bit and my Kindle Hate Each Other, It's Exhausting. Anthropomorphization, by Allison

So, I totally need an intern.

Not only because I never have any time to write down the myriad Very Important And Random Tangents And Opinions that are on a shuffle mix in my head.

I also need some help mediating the York versus Lancaster,
Montague versus Capulet level rivalry between my required electronic thingys.

I have decided -
as I anthropomorphize and assign feelings to inanimate objects?
(Note: It's a lifelong habit, whether it wants to be or not.)

My Fit Bit is totally jealous of my Kindle.

And my Kindle hates my Fit Bit.

It's understandable.
In my daily life, their roles are kind of diametrically opposed.

And it wouldn't be a Sophie's Choice level Sophie's Choice,
if forced to pick one over the other.

Please, take the ugly plastic bracelet that tells the time!
I don't want to know the time,
and I have other people telling me what time it is and how late I am,

Please take the the thing that totally shows I am not currently in an exercise class or wholesomely participating in an outdoor sport,
because I am busy reading on my Kindle.

Otherwise known as, my magic, endless stream of books.
The one I love the most.
(Addendum: As long as it doesn't break.)

My Fit Bit is like a mosquito,
or a demon's curse,
holding a clipboard.
It's like a cruise ship director for Boot Camp Cruise.
Nobody takes Boot Camp Cruise,
for this very reason:

Get Up, Lazy!!!!
I don't want to have to harass you with buzzes and beeps and nagging texts,
reminding you to go to spin class.
Your Kindle will be right there where you left it,
you can have it back when you finish your 10,000 steps.

Your Kindle is not going anywhere,
it's even lazier than you are!
Though in fairness,
your Kindle does not have legs,
and it cannot run off and hide from you,
even if you think that happens five times a day.

It's too lazy to play hide and seek!

That's actually me,
 your Fit Bit, orchestrating the Kindle disappearances.

How else am I going to get you to put down the Kindle and go to the gym?

And my Kindle is all,
She likes me better.

And my Fit Bit is all,
Oh, really?
Because I am a hideous,
plastic, electronic thing that TELLS THE TIME-
and worse!
I am totally not a bracelet,
or jewelry at all.
And I get taken more places than you do, Kindle.
Your clock doesn't even work,
you think we are in Newfoundland.

And my Kindle is all,
She finds that charming!
And you're just lucky,
Fit Bit, that she has a tortoise shell bracelet that covers you.
Otherwise, you would so be living in the Appliance Hell Of Pluggy In Things Allison Banished Because Don't Give Her  Appliances As Gifts!

I rest my case.

Clearly, I need an intern.

How am I supposed to do ballet carpool when I can't get my Fit Bit and my Kindle to peacefully co-exist??

They are both totally mad at my phone right now,
It takes pictures,
and they are jealous.