Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Dude, Where's My Car, Phone, Friend, and Brain?, or Doofus, A Case Study, by Allison

So I am freshly
(Note: I am using that term figuratively, right now I am back from gym so gross,
and pretty much the entire time of festival I was covered in rain, mud, or sunburn.
Which?  Subnote: Really not fair, to have both downpour and sunburn)
returned from Most Excellentest Music Festival,
in which I had super fun and exhausting and amazing time,
and total fab fun with K the Best Music Friend Ever.

And there was so much good music and great performances
(Jack White! Avett Brothers! Shins! Metric! I Can't Stop With The Exclamation Points!)
it was ridiculously, overwhelmingly good.

Except for the doofuses.

(Note: For the most part, the gigantic crowd of 70,000 or more people,
all in one park roaming around hearing bands and trying to get good spot to hear sets, l
oving the day, everyone was chill, happy, glad to be there.
How could you not be, with so many good things going on?)

Seriously, was fab.

Except for the doofuses.

And since I am TOTALLY avoiding what I am supposed to be doing apres giant traveling trip to music festival and now must pay the piper,
I shall categorize the doofuses.

Allison's Music Festival Doofus Analysis
(Note: If this becomes a thing I am totally taking credit):

1. Crowd Surfing Doofus Subtype A: Clueless and Dangerous.
This doofus
(Note: I am sad to say that it was not sole doofus, it was plural, like, by a lot) does not know what he is doing
(Note: I am not gender-stereotyping. I am saying it was only guys doing this. Don't blame me, non-doofus guys. Blame the doofuses for besmirching your gender)
and/or thinks he is going to score front row spot by crowd surfing in straight line,
back to front.


Get this: We can't see you coming.

Your mom was lying.

She does NOT have eyes in the back of her head.

Nor do we.

If my first alert as to your presence is your steel toed boot hitting the back of my head three times in your attempt to surf your way up front in your pitiful ploy to fully experience the show/go wild, s
core closer spot, whatever,
you are not winning me over.

I am not inclined to shake off the concussion you just gave me and lift you over my head to the next person in front of me,
 who also does not know you are coming,
 because you are doofus,
 and you are launching yourself at people who can't see you before you land on them.

Know what is going to happen to you, Crowd Surfing Doofus Subtype A?

Either person you just kicked in head or landed on is going to move over and let you fall straight onto the ground -
OR -
You will make it as far as the security guy who will grab your ankle and launch you over the barrier into oblivion.
Because you can't crowd surf back to front,
it is cheating to get closer, or if you are not being strategic and just extra doofy,
you are kicking people and landing on them and that is POOR FORM.

Party foul.


The average age of this doofus is young,
and I am not sure there is a crowd surfing pamphlet or such
(Note: I should totally do that),
but it does not take a whole lot of brain power to realize people who can't see you
(or hear you, it is concert, they are loud)
don't know you are there until you kick them and that is not nice,
nor will it make friends or influence people.

I am sad to say that there were many plurals to this type of doofus,
and bands with lots of fanboys (i.e. The Black Keys) draw them out in full force.

Silver lining: You can make friends with concert attendees near you who also agree that the crowd surfer is a doofus, and friends are great!

2. Crowd Surfing Doofus, Subtype B: Hand-Wringing Nervous Nellie

This subtype of doofus is thankfully not launching himself in straight line from back headed forwards,
and maybe because he sees people trying that and getting dumped on their doofus heads,
he is a little wary.

To surf, or not to surf?
That is his Shakespearean dilemma.

So he interviews surrounding would-be surf assistants,
to make sure they will in fact help him crowd surf.
He gets an affirmative,
yes, fine, we'll launch you up or whatever,
but he's still vacillating.

He asks again if help will be provided.
He asks to see my biceps.
(Note: I am not making this up. I wish I had that kind of an imagination)

He visibly psychs himself up for the attempt at crowd surfing,
bouncing up on the balls of his feet,
eyes wide, checking the scene.

Still can't pull the trigger.

And then, after saying "okay, okay, okay" forty million times,
he is aloft.

But he is also a DOOFUS,
and the song has about fifteen seconds left in it and anyone who has ever heard the music this band is playing knows that,
so while he successfully crowd surfs for those fifteen seconds,
he goes down like a lead balloon once song is over.
About four rows back from where he started.

Silver lining: And he is never seen again.

Doofuses of the world hear this:
You crowd surf diagonally.
Like in the old Connect Four commercial you are too young to have seen unless it is now part of faux nostalgia for the 1980's and is making a comeback.
Never mind.
Diagonally. Laterally. Whatever.
So we know you are headed our way.
And start before the song is over, or momentum will be lost,
while band is switching up instruments or whatever,
you are on ground getting stomped on.

It also helps if you are not a guy but instead are a girl.
That is the way it is.
Most girls don't attempt it, but if they do, they are normally successful and the doofuses who assist her high five afterwards,
because they got to touch a girl or something.
I do not know.
I am a Ph.D in many Ology's, but Doofus Mindset is not one of them.
(Nor do I want it to be, FYI.)

3. Chatty Afflicted Extreme Doofus

This type of doofus strikes up conversations in thick crowd trying to leave park at night and limp their way to their hotel or place of rest by saying such clever things as "Hey, girl! Hey! Girl!"

(Note: If this approach has ever ended in true love or even one girl thinking the doofus is not a doofus, I would like to know about it,
because I am convinced that has never worked in the history of ever)
"Did you just tell your friend you are hungry? I am hungry too! We have so much in common!"

I am pretty much content to chat to anyone that is not throwing things at me,
spewing hate talk, or drooling (unless they are baby and that is cute).
But doofus, we are tired, long walk ahead,

Of course, my friend K the Best Music Friend Ever has speedy way to eliminate doofus annoyances, she just gives death look and keeps walking.

It is a very good strategy.
Sadly for K, she is walking with me,
and I am intrigued,
or at least will humor, an Extreme Doofus, for research purposes.

The best example of this subtype of doofus is this one doofus who materialized next to us on our long long trek back to our hotel the first night.

He was not scary or creepy, just a total idiot doofus.

He was wearing what looked like three jester hats piled up on each other.
He had a friendly demeanor,
and the glassy eyed look of someone under hypnosis.
He was super, duper cheerful for a fellow who:

1. Lost his phone at the show
(His story on that, and I am quoting verbatim: "So I was like taking pictures or calling or something and I thought, am I thirsty? And I went to get a drink, but that was stupid I should have gotten water because I lost my phone.") ????

2. Drove to show from Houston,
so parked his car somewhere he does not know,
except it is 45 minutes from the festival and "thirty minutes from here,"
which makes no sense, as we are AT festival.

Note: At this point, K is looking at me like,
Whyyyy are you talking to this clown?
And I say, I am totally dying to hear what other stupid stuff he says.

(Spoiler: He says way more stupid stuff!!!)

3. Asks us where we are from.
We do not provide details on that as K is totally ignoring him as he is doofus, and I am using extreme people watching skills but am not going to facilitate this doofus following me home like lost dog.
Upon not getting a specific answer,
he switches topics to, he wants to visit New York.
But alas, he does not have a place to stay there.
He thinks that if he goes on Facebook and posts that he needs somewhere to crash in NY someone will give him somewhere to stay.
He also then says that he is not sure what he would do if he visits New York, because there is nothing to do there.

And then he says that he did used to have one friend who lived there,
but he doesn't live there anymore because he got a DUI.
Curious, as I do not know many people who live in New York and drive around, as parking and driving are hard in that city, I ask, a DUI in New York?

He says no, the friend got the DUI in Nevada.
Of course, that makes total sense.

At this point, this doofus needs to be ditched,
but he is walking in the direction we are walking,
apparently to meet his buddy at a certain corner.
Luckily, the corner arrives soon so we can rid ourselves of the doofus.
And in true doofus form, he asks us which bar we think his friend is more likely to be in,
as there are several.
I point at one, so he will go away.

Silver lining: I was thoroughly entertained the rest of the weekend thinking of where that doofus wound up and how in the world he functions in society with the faculties he possesses.

4.Dedicated Umbrella Doofus

I was fairly astonished to see umbrellas being employed at big music festival,
in both rain and shine.

Almost exclusively by guys, and not guys hired by P. Diddy or whatever his name is now to shield him from elements,
or guys protecting their delicate girlfriends or anything.

No, intstead, the umbrellas were opened and held over the heads of DOOFUSES.

In a crowded, sardine situation in the pouring rain,
waiting for great band to come on stage,
these doofuses have open umbrellas and are huddling under it as if acid rain is falling.
For real.

Doofuses? I
 am as prissy as they come.
Prefer my hair and makeup not get messed up,
do not want to be stuck in wet jeans for 10 hours.
And if I know better than to open an umbrella and block the view of the stage for everybody behind me, remember,
at a giant music festival with tens of thousands of people behind me who can't see now because I am so precious?
If I know better, and you do not,
you are a doofus.

And you are a total, complete doofus if,
when asked by those directly behind you to lower your umbrella since we are all totally soaking wet anyway and get over it,
you do not lower your umbrella, but instead,
continue using it to shield yourself from the rain.

You realize what is going to happen when you and your polka dot (not kidding, there were many kinds but this one stuck out to me) umbrella remain an obstruction to people who have not eaten,
sat, or had any creature comforts during downpour for hours?
Well, here is a tip, doofus.
It is not going to go well for you.

And umbrella doofuses trot those things out in the sun, too!

Like we are in Merchant and Ivory film strolling by a lake.

Umbrellas as shade, in giant open field festival.
Whatever, twirl your parasol and tap dance for all I care,
unless you are in the crowd of a band performing,
blocking yourself from the sun with umbrella.

Second verse, same as the first,
not going to go well for you when your sun shield is also vision shield for others.

Silver lining: Not sure if there is one there, the umbrella doofuses were super annoying.

To conclude, as I cannot procrastinate any longer or lack of ballet shoe purchasing will result in my death, festival was awesome,
except for the doofuses.

Lesson for Today:
Do not be a doofus, or marry one,
or hang out with one unless for research purposes,
and do not let your baby eat lead paint or drink turpentine,
and maybe the doofus to regular person ratio will improve.