Monday, August 18, 2014

FORMS, The F Word That Inspires Many Other F Words. Please Somebody Stop This, Or Send Intern, By Allison

It is FORM time, everybody.

And like bad sequels to already bad movies,
or swarm of locusts or whatever,
it keeps getting worse.

Every year, they multiply.


The dreaded F word. 

I am bad with FORMS, in that I almost always spill tea on them,
forget to look up the dentist’s number,
 and have to go find that and then: 
Something shiny!

And I leave FORM incomplete,
then get plagued with guilt about undone FORM,
and then go to do it.

But I realize I never looked up the dentist number, . . . . 
and here we go again.

And seriously, each year,
when I think we have enough sweat equity or FORM filling out information,
at schools or dance studio or whatever,
and it can't be as bad as last year?
 It keeps getting worse.)

I have just filled out seven majillion FORMS.

All with the exact same information -
just swap age of girl and grade in school,
all information on these FORMS is exactly the same.
Because the subjects of these FORMS have shockingly similar,
otherwise known as exact same,
information on their home,
and upkeep and care. 

V, E, and M all live in same house,
go to same doctor,
have same parents,
same insurance,
same ALL of it. SAME 

I realize camp and school can't just have a completed FORM and two others that say,
” See everything on V’s form except this one is E and she is 11.
Otherwise, same.
And also M, she is 8.
Otherwise, all same."  

But that would be so cool, FORM People.
I am so going to start a thing on that.

And the FORMS are all,
old school come in the mail,
fill them out in pen -
(Or? only writing implement at your disposal is pink Sharpie.


Advance notice.

If you won't let me cut and paste,
you run the risk of Sharpie scribblings,
dotted with tears and green tea.

I am given NO opportunity use the computer for cutting and pasting purposes,  
a computer similar to the ones totally used to create the FORM.
If I have to handwrite all this over and over, it should be quid pro quo. 

Eye for an eye,
tired writing hand for tired writing hand. 

I am going to work on that,
 now that I have completed the FORMS.

And can now relax and
 just mail the FORMS back, right?

I wish.

No rest for the wicked.
(Although I proffer that in this situation,
the FORMS are wicked,
 and I am saint-like, wrangling FORMS.)

Can’t  leave out step where I have to go to the doctor’s office,
and I am not kidding:

No lie NO LIE I am not making this up,
have to fill out a FORM for each FORM I need the doctor to sign. 

The FORM wants all the information that is on the other FORMS.
Can’t they get that information from the existing FORM?

Can I borrow a Xerox?


No, must fill out one FORM per FORM I am asking them to sign. 
Plus there are clipboards with FORMS on them too.

I tried pleading, “Look, it is on the FORM already,
on this FORM I am giving you,
right there! “

But no.

And I have to write the girls' names, addresses, doctor’s information  -
Is insane,  
because I am currently IN the doctor’s office.
So it should be kind of obvious who their doctor is,
plus I ALREADY WROTE IT ON ELEVENTY FORMS and am giving them to you,
that information is right there,
and there,
and there,
and also there. 

Please, no more FORMS.

Or how about?
Not the same FORM from the same place two times in one day, at least give me that?
 (V registering for middle school volleyball team,
plus taking FORMS to other FORM people.)

At least I have finally cobbled together a list of witnesses willing to testify on behalf of  my Totally True Printer Malevolence Making Everything Worse By Eating FORMS.

I am normally met with disbelief when I say
 "My printer won't work today.
It is having a fit or a bad day or something.
It just groans at me."

And as I am trying to print out repeated FORMS for sports and dance and lunch and etc,
the printer is all,
"Ug, I am not feeling up to this.
I shall make groaning noises and flash lights and kind of attempt to print,
but totally not print the actual FORM,
nevermind FORM times three because you have so many children needing FORMS."

I was super happy to have witnesses my printer rebellion,
because otherwise,
given past history of technology abuse,
and spilling,
or kicking,
and cursing at computer parts,
no one would believe me when I said that my printer was having a hissy fit.
 And I am really trying to not be the worst.

 I am attempting to not send in late, green tea splattered FORMS this year.

It’s the new me!  
Turning over leaf!  

When situations like this arise, I am now asking myself, what do I NOT want to do right now? 
Ok, that’s the thing I should probably do. 

So far, so good, I just started attempt number (not telling how many years but it is embarrassing)
FORM wrangling today.
 I can’t say if it is going to work long-term.
So I fill out the FORMS with our names and all the information on the FORM.

And I know from previous half-attempted FORM hell,
 that FORMS will multiply and breed,
 and do bad biblical plague things come FORM time.

I try to prepare emotionally,
but that is not possible.

I am rubber, FORMS are glue, 
they bounce off me,
spotted with beverages,
and bounce,
three weeks late,
to wrong person,
stuck like glue to the bottom of someone's shoe.

So at doctors' office the second time in one day,
Is ridiculous and not helping me in my quest to defeat the FORMS -

I try,

I even look at one of the FORMS to fill out this new FORM,
and I am sitting on the ground,
with FORMS spread out around me in piles,
to make sure I get the FORM for each FORM,
for each kid,
for each thing.

So I look like a lunatic -
Pediatricians’ office floors are a very dumb place to choose as your work station,
but I have to make sure each FORM has its New Friend,
also known as FORM,

No matter what I do,
I will forget or leave off or not initial something,
resulting in questionable tetanus shot information,
or some such disaster that I cannot seem to circumvent every year.

So that leads to me sitting on ebola virus floor making piles of FORMS.

And showing FORMS to the girls, all
"Look. I filled it out.
Do not turn on me if the bad dog eats it."

(Note: The dog actually eats FORMS!!
I am not making that up.
I always thought "the dog ate my homework" was a derivative and lame fake excuse,
but seriously,
I have had to write "I am very sorry but the dog ate her vocabulary words" more than once.)

But we all know that there is no way,
with ornery printer,
purple crayon as only writing tool,
FORMS off multiplying like evil gremlin,
or bad aliens,
or bunnies?
There is no way I can win.


This is why I really, really, really want an intern.