Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Dear Diet Coke Cans, Stop Tormenting Me. I Do Not Like Go-Getters, Or Sharing. You Are Totally Not My BFF Anymore, by Allison

Dear Diet Coke Cans,

I am very disgruntled with you,
and this pains me-
you are my trusty, stalwart, required morning beverage.

It is a known fact that there must be Diet Coke, in CANS

(Note: Bottles are only for gas stations and airports.
 Fountain drinks don't count,
 and are gross and totally not actually Diet Coke.)

in my refrigerator, at all times,
or The World Will End.

You'd think the sheer volume of Diet Coke cans I've consumed,
and the volume of the fits I've thrown if someone drank the last Diet Coke,
would earn me frequent consumer status.

Is that a thing?

It should totally be a thing.

Tell Starbucks too.

I mainline Trenta green teas, for the antioxidant infusion -
to counteract the oxidants I require daily,
from my three Diet Coke cans.
Consumed immediately after I wake up,

I have a LOT of making up to do,
is how I justify all my tea.

Because I used to be way worse.

Like, I think there were a few years (law school, for sure)?
In which 98 percent of the fluids I consumed were cans of Diet Coke.

I left half-full cans on the roof of my car,
which was not a good idea -

 but I had a theory that I'd remember where I put it,
 if I put it on the roof of my car.
(Note: This is a totally specious and terrible theory,
and it doesn't work for wallets either.

I left them in the freezer, in case I ran out of cold ones,
only to have to clean up frozen, exploded can of Diet Coke after I forgot I did that.

Maybe ten million times.

I'm better now.
I have a more balanced approach to my irrational needs for beverages at all times -


Still irrational.
I've just added to the list of required beverages.

Some could posit that I am actually worse than ever.

But I Can't Quit You, Diet Coke Cans!

I am now very grumpy with you.

As a chronic,
avid consumer?
(For?  Exact number of years redacted due to my vanity.
But it is quite a while,
though I am still very, very young)

I am insulted and affronted by your dumb, lame,
generic gimmick marketing strategy.

Specifically, the generic,  bossy suggestions on the side of my Diet Coke Cans.

Telling me to "Share a Diet Coke with a Go-Getter."
Or a "Buddy."
Or a "Friend."

WTF, Diet Coke?

Are you scrimping on your focus group budget?

Who shares a can of Diet Coke?

Not me.
At all, ever.

And also?

It is early, I am trying to wake up.
Stop pressuring me.

I don't want to share in the first place,
but especially NOT with a Go-Getter.

I actively avoid Go-Getters,
although I am not exactly sure what you mean by Go-Getter,
but whatever.
That sounds like someone who makes lists,
 and will tell me what the weather is and why I am late for something.

Not happening.

And cans telling me to share with a "Buddy?" "Pal?"

You are driving me insane,
Diet Coke Cans.

First of all, you are not the boss of me.

And secondly?
You are embarrassingly uncreative -
those are the blandest, most boring,
overly broad,
unspecific categories ever.

It is the exact opposite of what I totally think is clever,
targeted marketing on your bottles, Diet Coke.

The bottles with names?
Actual names, of people?

I have seen kids be wildly excited upon receiving a gift of an empty Diet Coke bottle with their name on it.

And as gas station/airport bottle purchaser,
I totally look for a name I like, or that makes me laugh,
or is someone I am married to, and then buy one.


Totally worked!
Excellent idea you had.
Gold star for you.

Why did you have to ruin things, Diet Coke?

The reason the names on the bottles idea works so well is that it is a name.
Of a specific person.

Not vague, boring "Buddy" or "BFF."
Not stressful like "Go-Getter."

If you have to do something with the cans, can you get a snarkier ad team?
Find better focus groups?

Because I'd totally buy Diet Coke Cans with snarky or absurd suggestions -

Worst Friend Ever?
Obnoxious Neighbor?
The Guy From Twilight? (I would buy a bunch of those, actually.)

Or, better yet?

"Don't Share This Diet Coke With Anyone.
It Is Yours And Yours Alone."

Those would crack me up.
instead of spontaneous combustion of rant rage.

Much better way to start the day.

Please fix this egregious error immediately, Diet Coke Cans.
You are better than this.


Your Frequent Consumer and Advocate (as long as you are cold and in my fridge and MINE),

PS: I am not your Buddy, Pal, OR BFF as long as this continues.

PPS: Also I am not a Go-Getter, and please don't send one to my house.

PPPS: And the only thing I share is my opinion.
But I am totally right, and you are welcome.