So get this?
Long car trips are way more fun when I am NOT in the car!
I have a fairly well-developed guilt complex,
plus nobody was in the house to bother me or need stuff,
so I was being productive, doing tedious things I hate to do while not on long car trip.
Delightfully, the tedium was broken up via ludicrous, snarky text messages from Matt and E, my 10 year old Extreme Communicator.
(V and M were in the car as well -
But V uses texts for the purpose of conveying relevant information only, making me possibly the only parent ever to grump about the LACK of texting my 12 year old daughter is doing,
And M does not have a phone yet, as she is eight and also just got a bedazzler so she's fine.)
I have decided Snarky Texting is a thing.
Is that a thing?
If it's not, I am making a thing and totally get credit.
Our Snarky Texts
(Snarxting? Seriously, right? That could be a thing - and I can't shorten it to snexting because that actually is a thing and that is NOT what we were doing)
began with normal exchange, and descended into jousting entertainment.
And I am going to just write it out verbatim off of my phone, not adding any punctuation or deciphering, this is a transcript.
Except for when I add deciphering via Note after some of the texts, but that is just color commentary. Excellent, fall leaf color commentary.
And I am not editing to make us look like less of a bunch of wordy freaks who should be using their time to better the world instead of Snarxting.
Below, Behold the Snarxting. A Transcript, by Allison:
Me: "I am grumpy with you people and all your laundry.
Tell me when you are an hour away so I can put the tenderloin in the oven. "
(Note: tedious tasks I don't want to do! I am saint-like, really.)
Matt: "Start the food woman."
(Note: He is joking. I think it began years ago with "get in the kitchen and make me a pie."
Shorthand for: If you want me to do a tedious chore, entertain me, even with nonsense he-man jokes, you have to sing for your supper.
More fun that way.)
Me: "I have been doing LAUNDRY and SOCKS and cleaning up after the dogs in the soggy backyard, so I was unable to get your poorly chosen directive.
Fret not, caveman and savages.
I started tending to your grub as well as sterilizing trash cans.
By the way, Matt?
What on earth did you leave in the oven?
I preheated it while doing CHORES and went to put in your vittles and it looks like a crime scene in which you cooked Rumpelstiltskin and some leprechauns. "
Matt: "They were Smurfs."
I hate the Smurfs. I am all Gargamel up on them."
Matt: "We are bringing more dirty clothes with us so you won't get bored."
Me: "If by throwing a giant fit and tantrum so I cannot peacefully enjoy observing the massive efforts I made to benefit you ingrates you mean "I won't be bored," let me state this for the record:
There is no such thing as bored.
Only boring people.
And your repetitive laundry needs and mess making do not bore me, they aggravate me.
It is boring of you to repeatedly deposit dirty clothes for me to handle.
I am not bored - you all are bor-ing.
E: "Umm, English please and maybe in one sentence please."
Me: "It is spelled bor-ing. Emphasis on second syllable - get your inaccurate insults correct at least."
E: "Huh is right. Gibberish."
(Note: Am I allowed to be pleased that my ten year old uses the word "gibberish" appropriately? Even in snarky text format?)
(Note: They are trying to make me go crazy with the one syllable non-words.
Is pet peeve of mine.
One of many.)
E: "Say huh, wut whuh how do you spell that?"
Me: "I am feeding your dinner to the dogs and throwing your laundry out of the window.
How do ya like them apples? Girls, let your dad explain the Good Will Hunting reference if his head hasn't rotted out from Star This and Star That's."
E: "We are watching a movie, un-der-stand, smart creature?"
Me: "You are all turning into slack-jawed troglodytes.
Are you watching movies in a vegetative state instead of having scintillating music conversation and dodging car wrecks?
That is boring.
Whuh is not a word, FYI.
My phone says so.
I haven't upgraded to the new version that talks in monosyllabic caveman language.
E: "Huh? ENGLISH."
(Note: he is baiting me again. He knows I hate Kk as shorthand for OK because they are the same number of letters so it is not shorthand and that is another one of my pet peeves.
I have many.)
Me: "E, Laugh Out Loud Ta Ta For Now Love You Like A Sister Got To Go.
I have to translate text language too?
Troglodytes. Savages. Not worthy of the nickel seats.
Again, ask your dad for the reference on nickel seats, hint: it does not involve "Luke I am your father."
E: "Movie. Shhhhh you."
Me: "E, is a bit of a pot/kettle scenario -
Again, ask your dad to explain that in case you are too busy worrying about Disney Channel Austen and Ally to read enough to interpret long-held turns of phrase most educated English speaking people understand from literature and conversation -
for you to call me wordy, as you are wordy yourself,
when you are not trying to be purposefully non-wordy to mess with me."
Me: "Bye, bye, brain cells."
Me: "See? This movie is clearly not fully stimulating your mind like, for example, music and talking would - so you can text at the same time.
I am texting while scrubbing the detritus of Smurfs your dad left in the oven.
Ask him for a Macbeth reference on that."
E: "Movie. Shhhhhhh. You don't like people talking during Twilight."
(Note: She is cracking me up, and snarxting is now officially a thing.)
Me: "I haven't watched a Twilight in ages - Breaking Dawn is still shrink-wrapped.
Because instead I am doing your laundry and cleaning up after dogs and registering you for stuff and filling out FORMS ad nauseam.
Again, ask your dad for the ancient language term meaning over and over and over - is not translated in any Taylor Swift song."
E: "The movie is about zombies and it is the worst movie in my opinion.
I stopped listening and listened to Dad listening to Helen Keller giving a talk so I started watching again."
Me: "Your dad is giving you a lesson on Helen Keller and "The Miracle Worker?""
E: "No. The radio. Daaaashgahhh."
Me: "Bet he does not know the key word/noun that unlocked the entire universe for her. Or the teacher's name, unless he cheats on Google."
(Note: I would be proven wrong on this when they got home, unless he totally cheated and used Google and then pretended not to.
Even if he did, he made me laugh when I was asking what people wanted to drink with dinner and he said "Water, Annie Sullivan."
Subnote: That is how hardcore nerd we are in this house.)
E: "And get my bags, servant, they're in the driveway."
(Note: They had just gotten here. I was busy being happy she said "they're" and not "their" or "there" to notice.)
Me: "You mean soon to be in the trash?"
E: "Ahh, if you mean the laundry then yes, yes I do."
(Note: "Yes, yes I do" is way more snarxty than just "yes I do."
She is very skilled at this invented thing I just invented)
Me: "No, I mean the dog mess- filled trash cans."
E: "Well. You need a nap, Grumpelstiltskin."
Me: "Fine. Napping now, clever child.
Do your own laundry and dinner and FORMS."
E rings the doorbell.
Me: "Nobody is home go away."
E: "Hymn, you'll be disappointed."
Me: "You mean hmmmmmm. Hymn is a song sung in a church."
E: "I know. Spell check is not good, except for when I just typed jyst and noy."
And that ends this edition of Masterpiece Snarxting, Good Thing We Have Unlimited Phone Plan.
We are all in the same house now, so we can snark in person.