Monday, November 11, 2013

Financial Planning By Allison, Orange Glitter Turkey Hands Edition

So it's getting near Thanksgiving time, apparently.
I know this because yet again, I bought orange glitter turkeys as a Halloween decoration - Yes, again.

(Note: Thanks a lot, Target. 
Glittery orange holiday things pre-Halloween should be pumpkins or whatnot,
stop embarrassing me in front of roomfuls of children and parents who purchase correctly themed holiday decor for parties)

And now I am not only grumpy that I am such an idiot that I repeatedly buy glittery orange turkeys for the wrong holiday,
but I am grumpy because I hate being forced to give thanks, color it orange, make it into the shape of a turkey by tracing my hand.

I am way better at giving thanks when something awesome happens and I say "Awesome, thanks!" Or, knowing me, I say a whole lot of other stuff, or if the recipient of my thanks is REALLY lucky,

I write an Ode, or an email that is five million words long that no one will read even if the subject matter is about how they are awesome and I am thankful for the awesome.

I am not good with crafts, so the possibility of an orange glitter turkey hand thank you is not likely to happen.

But this, I can do!

Embellish upon a tale I have already told
(Note: I am recycling. It is eco-friendly. I am saint-like, really)
and offer my very educated (or not)
and sound (or whatever) financial advice,
just in time for you to give me orange glitter turkey hand thanks for my sage (shut up) wisdom:

Financial Planning, Orange Glitter Turkey Hands Edition, by Allison:

So I never know what will emerge from the backpack/messenger bag/sparkly purses of my children when I routinely clean them out to make sure there is nothing living, rotting, needing to be signed, or otherwise dangerous in them.
I got an autographed photo of the actor who plays Carlisle in the Twilight series, and I am all, "Um V? Wha?"
And she said "Oh yeah, this was passing around school and it is for you."

1. That is very cool, anonymous donor of Twilight memorabilia. Thank you, and also for future reference, anything passed along to me via Matt or V will be completely forgotten about by them, randomly found by me, and never explained in any way by either of them. If you want credit, go to E. Or M, she will add glitter glue, though.

2. Sears is taking way better pictures than the ones I recall. Those were involving fur blankets and rocking chairs as props.  Because this actor looks decent in anonymous benevolent donor's photo, and in the movie he looks not his best, which may be karma due to him breaking heart of 90210's Kelly Taylor, just a theory.

But that was like, best backpack scrounging ever. I cannot even describe some of the things I have pulled out or gotten stuck on me or been completely embarrassed by, like form from August needed back and it is December.

Yet there are treasures to be had!

And those are often in the pre-school and younger elementary grades, before your
(Note: I am not saying this happened for real, but sadly it totally did) third grader writes a sixteen-page typed single spaced story involving the protagonist, who is a teenager wearing sparkly purple top, and her mother, who cooks really badly.

And this particular third grader is fast with the typing and good
(So in this case, stinging? scorching? harsh? genetically predisposed?)
with the adjectives so there is lots of discussion on the faulty cooking of the mom, mostly stream-of-consciousness as if James Joyce were inhabited by the brain of a Disney Channel tween star and Dorothy Parker at the same time?

But I digress, back to the treasures!

It is Thanksgiving, right?

We are supposed to list our thanks and things we are thankful for and such.

Turkeys made out of hands.

M the seven year old stylist is dressed as a pilgrim today, because it is MIRACLE otherwise known as, I found the pilgrim costume I bought for V 5 years ago and managed to save for E, lend it out to a friend, got it back, and put it in a hiding place so no dressup game murder would happen and then I remembered where I put it.

That IS a miracle, really, but miracles are one holiday away.
Giving thanks now.
And here is what I am giving thanks for (to?):

Teachers of young children, and your poker faces.

That is what I choose to be thankful for in this season of thanks.

Because you know what? If I had your job:

1. I would be in jail, there are so many reasons
(Note: not bad ones, I would not hurt anyone,
I would like, glue us all to the wall or lock the goldfish in the supplies closet and get tied up with string,
or have to leave due to complete inability to deal with .0000001 percent of what teachers of young kids deal with every day.)

2. I could not, at ALL, keep a straight face.

So aside from the forced sentiment of thanks that I actually really DO feel,
but hate to be made to color it orange and say it at this one time of year instead of randomly saying it when major props are due to whatever amazing thing happened that you made happen,
what I am really saying is this:

Elementary Teachers, go to Vegas.

You will win.

Don't stay forever, the children need you, don't forget about the children!

But when you can schooch away, you guys have the BEST POKER FACES IN THE WORLD.

Grizzled old poker dudes spotting people's "tell" sign, that indicates they are bluffing or hiding something?
They cannot break you.

They cannot even come close.

You keep a straight face when my daughter gives her goals for the year as "to make 3,001 friends" and her strategy for achieving this goal is "to meet 3,001 people."

I can't not laugh at that.
I did and continue to laugh, it is hysterical.

When everyone is coloring plates and writing what is special about their Mommy and you, teacher, help her with "Mommy is good at shopping online," that is one impressive poker face.

Although you better split winnings with me,
because it was super embarrassing for the entire known preschool world to see that lovely sentiment up there next to other mom's special qualities of  "saves orphans" and "feeds the hungry" and "cares for the sick," and if you perfected your poker face on Not Laughing At Allison's Daughter's Totally Exaggerated Paper Plate Thingy,
I want half.

I have some shopping to do.

And when you, Teacher With Best Poker Face Ever, are tasked with helping first graders write a paragraph about what they are thankful for, and you are given these nuggets of gold:

I am thankful for my teachers because they give me gum.
(Start with the gathering of goodwill, but random enough not to make a whole lot of sense, rookies would giggle.)

I am thankful for my sisters because they are really nice.
(See, this is the subterfuge, where a lesser player would get tripped up and say "awww" and the Grizzled Poker Guys would be on to you. You don't fall for that. Because you know more crazy is coming.)

I am thankful for my mom and dad because they feed me.
(Sidenote: Really????????? I mean, yes, I do and have done so and will continue to feed my children, but please.
I got her cheetah ballet flats yesterday.
I have scrubbed pizza based throw up off of elaborate bedskirt with bleach pen! For hours! In the middle of the night!
 Remember the indoor pony?
Your giant baby head I toted around for quite a while?
Name me another seven year old stylist who can appropriately apply makeup when given "go for A Midsummer Night's Dream look"?

Sorry. rant over.

But still.

That was MY attempt at a poker face, which would have me on the nickel slots in two seconds.

I am thankful for the solar system because the sun shines light on me.
(Note: This is where you realize M the seven year old stylist wants you to notice how cute her outfit is, like, NOW. Keep the poker face.
You realize she wants the sun to shine on her because it makes the glitter on her fingerless gloves sparkle.)

I could not keep a straight face for two seconds in any scenario with little kids and ridiculousness and you throw in a puppet show and I may as well hand over my wallet, I can't even get myself TO Vegas to lose to you at poker.

So instead of orange  pumpkin lists of thanks, or reasonable financial planning for the future, Allison's Advice is this:



You're welcome.