Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Dear John Taylor, A Thank You, Fan Letter, Book Review, and First Letter I Have Written To John Taylor That Is Not Purple With Hearts On It, by Allison

Dear John Taylor,

 (Note: Ha!!
 I have not started a letter with that opening in quite a few years, and this is not pink stationery with purple ink and i's dotted with hearts!
But I am sure you will remember me,
was probably only 14 year old girl with pastel papered,
twenty paged,
adjective-laden Odes To Your Awesomeness.)

Thank you for your lovely autobiography.
It was a very thoughtful birthday gift.

Having recently seen you and the other Durans in quite impressively maintained gloriousness in concert,
and then I waxed poetic about my longstanding fandom and your very important status as My First Pretend Boyfriend here:

It was totally obvious to me,
as I am both deranged and narcissist,
that you wrote your book and timed its release right for my birthday out of appreciation for the sheer quantity of posters,
illicit video collections that were confiscated in two seconds but still,
my self-proclaimed full time job as PR and Promotions Person for Duran Duran,
They Are British And Musicians And Awesome Have You Seen Their Hair PS John Taylor Is Mine
I am nothing if not devoted and loyal to my Pretend British Musician Boyfriends,
I most certainly can't quit you.

And in fact,
you kind of created a forevermore category of What Allison Thinks Is Awesome:
Tall, Floppy Hair,
British, Brooding,
Musician, Play Instrument,
Guitar Of Some Sort Preferred.

So kind of,
it is your fault I am this irrational,
and possibly have not progressed emotionally since age fourteen.

It was the least you could do, to write a book for me for my birthday.

I was totally freaked out by the title, In The Pleasure Groove,
 and very concerned I would be reading many chapters on exploits with groupies who were not middle school girls who wrote you letters on pink paper with purple pen.

I kind of lingered in the early chapters,
 in which you were charming nerdy music geek named Nigel

(Which?  I already knew, because I am Best Fan Ever,
and used that in the duel at dawn type showdowns I had with foolish,
uninformed persons thinking they were Better Fan.
I also used the bar you all started in,
Rum Runner, ha ha!!!!!! to the seven girls named Jen I trumped in Who Is Best Fan Ever And May Get To Marry John Taylor Contest,
but it was super fun to read all about it instead of memorizing details from creepy fan magazines from Japan that this music store would order for me,
and I would make notepads full of vital statistics in case of  possible duel at dawn coming up)

And loved reading about the art and fashion and music that influenced you,
because that is actually very interesting and cool to learn,
 and there was no giant whiff of
This Book Was Totally Written By Ghostwriter Otherwise Known As,
Person Who Wrote This Whole Book And Has Not Even Met John Taylor.

I realize I am biased,
 as you were my first Pretend Boyfriend,
and started a whole thing,
 that anyone who has known me then and since has to deal with,
which is probably very cumbersome for all of those people,
seeing as:

1. I did have a clipboard and would quiz fellow fans with inane trivia facts in seventh grade

2.  And I was relentless in forcing everyone I was friends with to become Giant Fans.

But guess what, that totally worked, and you are welcome.

You did return the favor you probably didn't quite realize you owed me -

By being Guardian Angel Pretend Boyfriend,
steering me eventually to my Actual Husband Matt,
who is tall, has righteously excellent hair,
plays bass guitar too!
(Note: He is not British,
very rarely broods,
which is probably good for the emotional climate of our home anyway,
since he is professional kind cancer doctor and handler of me,
and I think you need to have a calm demeanor for both of those jobs he has permanently,
full-time taken on.)

So, the (number of years redacted due to author's vanity, mine, not yours,  JT) of You Having Permanent Status As My First Pretend Boyfriend,
shaping my core value system on What Is Awesome,
and then you writing me the book and everything,
I really wanted the book to be fab and not squicky "pleasure groove" meaning stuff on vans and things I do not want to know about at all,
I was busy memorizing your favorite toothpaste back then.

I was kind of nervous to get past the "let's get a band together" part.

Why did I doubt you, First Pretend Boyfriend John Taylor?
You are not gross!

Instead, hurray!
I was right all along!

You are awesome!

I mean,
awesome in that you tactfully referenced but did not discuss in squick format anything squicky, talked about your drug use and how you overcame it without under or overplaying it, which is hard thing to do,
did not go into huge juicy detail over various breakups of the Durans and acknowledged that it was kind of lame not to tell all about it,
 but that you all had long-standing relationships with each other,
good save on that.

And tons and tons on the music!
Lyric Inspirations!
How My Most Favoritest Of Your Songs Came To Be!
Info on Hair!!!!!!

Honestly, it was quite a generous birthday gift, John Taylor.

And you are sweet about your wife and daughter,
 and not in a way in which I think that your wife actually wrote those chapters and handed them to you,
seemed genuine.
And also, pictures!
Some I haven't seen before!


I may have to source out some pink paper and purple ink pen and old-school Write a Document ,
an Ode of Thanks on such a lovely walk down your memory lane,
which was my yellow brick road,
except I am not Dorothy OR Elton John,
and you are not weird little dude behind a curtain wearing garish green ensemble.
You are wearing black,
or otherwise dark,
awesome rock star outfit,
I am sure. 

And I have learned a bit of sartorial knowledge since middle school,
and no longer wear Panama Hats in your honor
(But you wrote about that hat in the book!!!!!!!!!!!!
How the hat came to be!
I almost wept with nostalgia for a hat,
and reached for the phone that does not exist,
 because it is in a house in which I no longer live,
 and it plugs into a wall that probably doesn't have your face plastered all over it anymore)

So yay.
I am happy when Awesome remains Awesome.

And I find it not all that surprising that as I tote around your book,
my daughter E has got "One Direction, Our Story" earmarked on the pages about Harry.

He is tall, you know.
Best Hair.
He seems kind of smiley and not sure if he plays an instrument,
and I think their songs are written in a labratory by psychologists trained in the psyche of tween girls, but it is a start.

Your Bestest Fan Allison