Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Observing Hammock Dude, or Another Useless Activity Enjoyed by Allison and her Daughters, by Allison

So the drive home from the gym and also the girls' school and lots of other places involves passing this one particular house that is known in our family as Home of Hammock Dude.

We call it this inventive name because in this house lives a dude who is ALWAYS in his hammock, which is placed prominently smack in the middle of his yard right by this main road where cars drive by all day and night.

Hammock Dude is also always shirtless.

He's not horrifying, in fact he reminds me of the character Brad Pitt played in True Romance (and purely for informational purposes I have been google imaging Brad Pitt for quite a while just now, but it was ONLY to further this pointless narrative, it was not because I was plotting to make another laminated Brad Pitt wall since the one I had in law school no longer exists),
that character who is always lounging, totally high, oblivious to the entire universe?

Here's the Brad Pitt one, and now that I think of it, it would have been great if he had been shirtless in that movie, since that would help the character development.

So Hammock Dude is not at Brad Pitt level, or I would know his name
(JOKING!!! Hammock Dude is a professional lounger in hammocks, that would not earn enough to support my tea habit),
but he gives off that same slouchy, slightly scuzzy but not unattractive, clueless but harmless vibe.

And he is ALWAYS in his hammock.

All the time.

No matter what, unless it is during ice storm, and he may be in the hammock then too, I am just not driving in ice storm to go check.

The girls keep track of Hammock Dude on their way home from school daily for update, which is always "Hammock Dude was in his hammock."

I see him all the time, lounging away, never a shirt, never doing a thing (not even reading! Reading is awesome in a hammock!) but being in the hammock.

And now I have written hammock so much I think I am spelling it wrong so going to check on that now, whew, had it right, moving on. . .

Anyway, today is major breakthrough in Observation of Hammock Dude.

Apparently professional hammock lounging is not earning him enough (or any) money to pay the rent or buy a shirt or weed, because he is now Hammock Dude, The Entrepreneur.

And I am pretty sure that he has completely baked his brain out of his head through whatever he has injested or smoked or whatall, or maybe just gone insane from doing nothing other than hammocking for years. (It has been years, really, that we have been Observing Hammock Dude).

Because his business?

Selling warm generic soda out of a brown cardboard box, conveniently located right next to hammock, so he can continue to lounge while running this very thriving enterprise.

Of selling gross warm fake drinks for two dollars a can.
I know the price because he has very cleverly made a sign that reads "Coke 2 $."

This sad sign is also very inaccurate, because there is not Coke in that box, it is clearly Food Lion generic versions of random sodas, and also, the dollar sign should come in front of the 2 if he is going to word it like that, and also, two dollars for yuk warm soda can?

All of that is absurd.

And of course the girls want to stop and check out this very booming business of NO ONE buying Hammock Dude's drinks, plus, to add another thing to the list of why Hammock Dude needs to rethink his business model is, he lives on a super busy road, and you can't easily hop off of it and go buy your nasty warm drink, and then to get back on the road would be worse.

And I am all,"Girls, why do you want to get gross drinks that I will not let you drink from Hammock Dude?"

And they are all, "He's doing something different, it's exciting!"

And I am all, "We are not stopping for gross yuk drinks at Hammock Dude's pretend store. We can be entertained by the fact that he is always in his hammock, because that is strange and its constancy can amuse us, but we are not going to go hang out with him, because he is a stranger, and also a shirtless Hammock Dude, and your dad would kill me, and to make this an educational experience, let's discuss his bad business plan and how you will never ever date any guy who has a job of professional hammock lounger." 

And as further proof that I am Mother of the Year, I also added to that list Dudes Who Sit on Sofas That Are Outside of Their Homes. 

My duty is done for the day, now can go back to google imaging (or not, I may go teach the girls long division, you'll never know.)