Monday, October 26, 2015

Want To Get Out Of Carving Pumpkins And Cleaning Up? I Can Help! Whatever You Have In Your House, Plus Pumpkin Seeds, A Non-Recipe, by Allison

So, get this?
I am still in a state of autumnal bliss or something.

Lack of oppressive heat, leaves turning all pretty?

My reverse seasonal affective disorder has kicked in.
I am like, getting things done and stuff.

Things such as:
Acquiring and displaying pumpkins festively,
Using my wily tricks to get out of carving said pumpkins,
via pumpkin seed roasting job.

This is a job I assign myself,
so that I don't have to carve pumpkins.

(Shh! Secret! Don't tell anyone,
 but I am quite skilled at assigning myself jobs that I invent,
 so that I can avoid stuff I cannot,
 or really do not  want to do.)

I am terrible at carving pumpkins.
It's a known fact I cannot craft,
at all.

I can't draw a straight line, or cut with scissors effectively.
I totally use the fact that I am left-handed as an excuse,
and maybe I am right.

I mean, I am totally right.

So pumpkin-carving is completely outside of my skill set.

Growing up?
At some point I gave up even trying,
and drew an attempted glamorous face on my designated pumpkin with a Sharpie.

(By the way, I was not just inept.
I was like,
ahead of the curve on pumpkin art,
because I think drawing on pumpkins with Sharpies is a thing now.)

It wasn't pretty.
But whatever.
I was not going to magically develop pumpkin carving skills,
and if I could choose skills to magically develop,
that would not be my first,
or tenth, or one millionth choice anyway.

So I kind of assigned myself pumpkin seed roasting job instead.
Because it is autumn!
I am way nicer, and more willing to cook and stuff.

I have escaped pumpkin carving for years,
with this clever diversion.

Or, nobody wants to see my sad, badly carved pumpkin.
Or listen to me complain about how much I do not want to be carving pumpkins.

But I do make up for my pumpkin carving ineptitude,
by making very excellent roasted pumpkin seeds.

I have confirmation on their excellence from totally unbiased sources,
such as Matt and my daughters.
Matt might be kind to spare my feelings,
but the girls totally would not.

And so?
Since I am all autumnal bliss and all?

I am sharing my mostly whatever is in my house at the time,
non-recipe for roasted pumpkin seeds.

In case you want to get out of gourd gutting,
or be an overachiever,
and both carve and cook?

Plus, look how festive they are!

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Whatever You Have In Your House, Plus Pumpkin Seeds, Non-Recipe, by Allison:

1. Get pumpkins.

You can be very photo-op wholesome and go on a hayride and pick out pumpkins,
if that is your thing.

Or, you can have horrible morning with squabbling children,
and then decide to buy pumpkins you see on your way to the gym after school drop-off,
in the vague hope that aforementioned squabbling children will be chastened by festive pumpkins when they get home from school,
and behave like civilized, non-squabblers.

Guilt pumpkins?

That's how I rolled this year.
But this is a non-recipe. Get your pumpkins however you want.

2. Get other people to carve pumpkins.

This is helpful if you are terrible at carving pumpkins,
or just don't want to.
It seems like most people -
(for example, everyone in my house but me)
actually like carving pumpkins, so you should be able to find somebody.

3. Get those people to scoop out the pumpkin guts.
They should do that, they are carving them, it's part of the job.

4. Get them to also separate the seeds from the rest of the gourd goop.
Bribe them with delicious roasted pumpkin seeds for their labor,
or whatever works.
This is a non-recipe, and I haven't even gotten to the part with ingredients yet.

5. Run into your house with the de-gooped pumpkin seeds,
 so you don't have to clean up the rest of the pumpkin carving stuff,
because that is gross,
 and to be avoided if you time it right.

6. Get a cookie sheet or baking tray or something, and mist it with olive oil,
or somehow make it nonsticky with spray stuff or whatnot.
This is a non-recipe, I do not judge.

7. Go look in your spice drawer.
If you don't have a spice drawer,
go look on the shelf where you keep random spices.

8. Sprinkle whatever you have onto the pumpkin seeds.
Seriously, this is a non-recipe.
And I use different stuff each year,
because I never remember what I used the previous year,
 and who knows what is in my spice drawer at any given time?

Not me, that's for sure.
This year, it was nutmeg, garlic powder, dark chili powder, sea salt.

I added cayenne pepper to the ones I ate,
because I was in the mood and also happened to have cayenne pepper in my spice drawer.

9. Put the tray of seasoned with whatever seeds in your oven.
Set your oven at 425, or something like that.
I can never remember what temperature for what,
so mostly things I cook are at 425.
If you know a better way, do that.

10. Cook them until they are done.
Before they burn, but make sure they are crunchy.
You can tell by poking at them.
(That pretty much works for anything, honestly.)

11. Put more stuff on them if you want.
Or not.
This is a non-recipe, you do whatever you like.

12. Take photos of your delightfully roasted seeds,
feed them to the people that have carved and cleaned up the pumpkins,
and yourself, of course.

Remember to feel smug and pleased with yourself.
They taste better that way.