Thursday, June 5, 2014

Breaking News!!! Observing Hammock Dude, A Bizarre, Ridiculous, Ludicrous Tradition Gets Way, Way More Ludicrous! by Allison


In the world of random lunacy,
that becomes a tradition amongst the girls and me,
our routine of driving past House of Hammock Dude,
and noting whether he is or is not in his hammock -

(Note: Mostly that is a yes.
Almost always.
Except today)

And what, if any,
perplexing changes to Dude's Hammocking are happening?

As our route to all the places we go involve driving by Hammock Dude's house,
and Observing Hammock Dude is way better car activity than the girls squabbling over whatever ,
or pulling out phones or whatever.

Really, the car is the only time I really have them captive,
 and can extract details of their day and their lives from them -
they cannot escape.

Today was a banner day in What In The World Is Up With That?
regarding Hammock Dude.

V and I were driving home after she played in the orchestra at Middle School Closing -

(Note:  Different day from Lower School Closing.
I am drowning in events,
now that dance rehearsals and performances are done.
But the scent of sunblock and chlorine ,
and the dulcet tones of my girls screeching over goggles and towels,
means it is time to switch my brain into summer
(meaning swim team and swim meets) mode.)

And we are stopped at the red light on the fairly major, busy four-lane road,
the light that if we are stuck with a red light,
we have ample time to Observe Hammock Dude?

Total Nonsense.

V, who is exhausted after ten thousand events in which she has attended, performed, or both,
and is mostly a violin playing zombie, rightfully so-
is like,
 "Mom? Hammock Dude is doing something weird."

Understatement of the year.

Hammock Dude has dragged a yuk brown sofa out of his home and placed it next to his chronic hammock.

Hammock itself is empty.

Yuk sofa contains Hammock Dude,
and a guitar which is totally a prop because he is not holding it right or playing it at all.
This stupid red light lasts long enough for us to assess this scene.

If you want to add to the list of What Is Up With Hammock Dude?)

He has a homemade, cardboard sign propped against the sofa thing.

It says "Will Rock For Peace."


He seems very pleased that the two of us were Observing his (proximity to) Hammocking.
Because of course, he is smack up on a major road,
looking to see who is looking at him.

But he was lucky he could not hear the conversation in our car, which was:

Me: "Please tell me that sign does not say Will Rock For Peace."

V: "Sorry. That's what is says.
Why is he on a sofa instead of the hammock right next to him?"

Me: "Remember what I told you and your sisters about dudes with sofas in their yards?"

V: "Not to buy anything they are selling out of a box,
or marry them?"

Me: "Yes.
He is not hammocking,
he is attention-seeking, overtly,
with this sofa and guitar he doesn't know how to even play and faux Peace on Earth sign."

V: "Will Rock For Peace?
What does that even mean?"

Me: "It means he is so clueless he isn't even in his hammock,
and you can rock in a hammock,
and so his sign could have
(by generous hearts, not mine)
been seen as a play on words,
with the hammock rocking and the guitar prop which allegedly can rock,
although he is holding it like a tennis racket,
and no rocking of any kind is happening."

V: "At least he has his shirt on."

Me: "Good point.
You know what we are doing?
We are Ham Mocking.
I hate puns, you know that,
but he is pulled up to the side of a busy road,
putting on this nonsense peacock display of I do not even know what -
next to his hammock, and I can't help it.
He's an attention-seeking ham,
and we are mocking him."

V: "True."

Me" "Really, ignoring him is the best way to make this nonsense stop,
but we are stuck at this red light,
and it is a family tradition,
Observing Hammock Dude.
Isn't it so fun when we are in the car alone together?"

V: "At least you aren't talking about music."

Me: "I can, in one second, if you bait me like that.
Instead, let's vote on who gets to tell your sisters and dad about this new Observation."

V: "Mphf."

V got to tell her sisters - I am not kidding,
Observing Hammock Dude is a tradition like normal families have, like,
 taco night or something.
I don't know.
We aren't normal.

(Though I am all for any night in which themed food is cooked by someone other than me,
but that is not one of our traditions so far.
We do things like dress up in costumes like the Incredibles family and surprise Matt on his birthday.)

E and M were all,
"Why wasn't he in his hammock?
Is the sofa different from the weird chair that is already in his yard?"

(Note: We are not stalkers.
When we get stuck at that red light,
Observing Hammock Dude is the only distraction until the light turns green.
I think that is why he lives there.)

And as I am writing this I realize,
I did not go into the whole backstory like I usually do.
I apologize for the brevity (subjective brevity but whatever).


Observing Hammock Dude, or Another Absurd Activity Enjoyed by Allison and her Daughters,
by Allison:

So the drive home from the gym, and also the girls' school,
and lots of other places,
involves passing this one particular house that is known in our family as Home of Hammock Dude.

We call it this inventive name,
because in this house lives a dude who is ALWAYS in his hammock,
which is placed prominently smack in the middle of his yard,
 right by this main road where cars drive by all day and night.

Hammock Dude is also always shirtless.

He's not horrifying, in fact he reminds me of the character Brad Pitt played in True Romance -

(Note: and purely for informational purposes I have been google imaging Brad Pitt for quite a while just now,
but it was ONLY to further this pointless narrative,
it was not because I was plotting to make another laminated Brad Pitt wall since the one I had in law school no longer exists)

That character who is always lounging, totally high,
oblivious to the entire universe?

Here's the Brad Pitt one, and now that I think of it,
it would have been great if he had been shirtless in that movie,
since that would help the character development.

So Hammock Dude is not at Brad Pitt level, or I would know his name -

(JOKING!!! Hammock Dude is a professional lounger in hammocks,
that would not earn enough to support my tea habit)

but he gives off that same slouchy,
slightly scuzzy but not unattractive,
clueless but harmless vibe.

And he is ALWAYS in his hammock.

All the time.

No matter what, unless it is during ice storm,
and he may be in the hammock then too,
I am just not driving in ice storm to go check.

The girls keep track of Hammock Dude on their way home from school daily for update,
which is always "Hammock Dude was in his hammock."

I see him all the time, lounging away, never a shirt,
never doing a thing
(Note: Not even reading! Reading is awesome in a hammock!)
other than being in the hammock.

And now I have written hammock so much I think I am spelling it wrong so going to check on that now, whew, had it right, moving on. . .

Anyway, today is major breakthrough in Observation of Hammock Dude.

Apparently, professional hammock lounging is not earning him enough (or any) money to pay the rent or buy a shirt or weed,
because he is now Hammock Dude,
The Entrepreneur.

And I am pretty sure that he has completely baked his brain out of his head through whatever he has injested or smoked or whatever.
Or maybe just gone insane from doing nothing other than hammocking for years.
(It has been years, really,
that we have been Observing Hammock Dude).

Because his business?
Is selling warm generic soda out of a brown cardboard box,
conveniently located right next to hammock,
so he can continue to lounge while running this very thriving enterprise.

Of selling gross warm fake drinks for two dollars a can.
I know the price,
 because he has very cleverly made a cardboard sign that reads "Coke 2 $."

This sad sign is also very inaccurate,
because there is not Coke in that box,
it is clearly Food Lion generic versions of random sodas.

And also?
The dollar sign should come in front of the 2 if he is going to word it like that.
And also?
Two dollars for yuk warm soda can?

All of that is absurd.

And of course the girls want to stop and check out this very booming business of NO ONE buying Hammock Dude's drinks,
to add another thing to the list of why Hammock Dude needs to rethink his business model?
He lives on a super busy road,
and you can't easily hop off of it and go buy your nasty warm drink, which you would never do anyway.
And then to get back on the road would be worse.

And I am all,"Girls, why do you want to get gross drinks that I will not let you drink from Hammock Dude?"

And they are all, "He's doing something different, it's exciting!"

And I am all,
"We are not stopping for gross yuk drinks at Hammock Dude's pretend store.
We can be fascinated by the fact that he is always in his hammock,
because that is strange,
and its constancy can amuse us,
and his dedication to hammocking can impress or confuse us,
but we are not going to go hang out with him,
because he is a stranger,
and also a shirtless Hammock Dude,
and your dad would kill me,
and to make this an educational experience?
Let's discuss his bad business plan,
and how you will never ever date any guy who has a job of professional hammock lounger." 

And as further proof that I am Mother of the Year,
I also added to that list Dudes Who Sit on Sofas That Are Outside of Their Homes. 

My duty is done for the day,
now can go back to google imaging
(Or not, I may go teach the girls long division, you'll never know.)