Absurd Parenting Tool,
Necessity is the Mother
(In this case, the mother is me. But note, I am still very, very young)
(In this case, how to deal with the girls when they are making me insane).
Official parenting guidelines and magazines involve crafts and lists,
and completely stress me out.
So in our world?
Song lyrics for the win! (Query: For the win?
What game show was that?
Was it the No Whammies one?
I hope so, that show ruled.)
So when E and M were having Sisterly Warfare,
and irrationality defcon level orange or whatever?
(Note: V is benignly packing for extra fun tween sleepover adventure,
so is not in the mix here, or I would have had to adjust my game plan)
I decide upon the following three-part strategy:
Song We Like,
Plus Write A Document.
I have to be nimble, with these wily girls,
and switch up the Absurd Parenting as needed.
We have been fangirling on Lorde's song "Team,"
as I am acknowledged fan of Lorde,
even though her overachieving in the arenas of
Excellent Eyeliner Skills,
and Immediate Music Domination While Being 16 Years Old,
kind of make me rethink my
"take AP classes and get driver's license" agenda when I was 16.
I called upon this song as Absurd Parenting Tool because:
1. I love this song
2. I was listening to it when the Sisterly Warfare went down
3. I have invented a completely made-up,
insane backstory for Lorde,
and it is fun to act like I believe my own crazy self,
to antagonize my children.
I love making up backstories!!
It is super fun and endless entertainment for me,
and sometimes they turn out to be true.
(Note: My made-up Lorde backstory is totally not true.
But I was so right about Sleeper Agent!!!!!
So I am like, mostly right, sometimes.)
Allison's Invented, Made-Up, Not-True,
But Seriously That Would Rule If It Were True Backstory re: Lorde:
I cooked up in my fevered head that Lorde was the unacknowledged,
redheaded stepsister of Taylor Swift -
(Note: There is similar hair excellence and texture,
and advanced cat eye makeup talents at a young age,
but they are not related and I am making this up)
Who was sent off to a remote boarding school in New Zealand -
(Note: Lorde is from New Zealand,
so that part of this made up story is true,
the rest is made up, but still,
it adds an essence of authenticity to my nonsense)
And she broke out of her Azkaban-type boarding school -
(Note: I realize that I am mixing up my allegorical YA opuses here,
and Harry Potter's misunderstood godfather's terrible Azkaban prison was not in New Zealand -
that is where all the hobbits with giant fake feet frolic,
amidst spare green gorgeous landscapes in Lord of the Rings movies -
there is a throughline,
at least, in my demented head)
After busting out (of the made up fake boarding school that does not exist,
or does it????) in New Zealand,
she arrived upon the music scene with a less-than-super-cheerful attitude,
and a potty mouth.
And similar to Taylor Swift,
(her totally not actual stepsister and I am making this all up,
but doesn't it seem like it could be kind of true?
I am on a roll, so play along)
Lorde has the "I got this, just watch" swagger at a young age.
Fewer sparkly dresses,
larger chip on shoulder,
but the immediate ownership of her thing,
It is a totally believable,
completely made-up backstory, right?
Anyway, Lorde's "Team" was blasting through my giant purple headphones,
as I tried to pretend the girls were not having Sisterly Warfare,
so I Absurdly Parented with the song lyrics:
"We live in cities you'll never see on screen/
Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things/
Living in ruins, of the palace within my dreams/
And you know/
we're on each other's team"
Aside from the fact that I consider our house an actual palace,
and not ruined,
unless the bad dog wrecks stuff,
I was going with this song as Absurd Parenting Tool.
It seems less didactic than the "There is no 'I' in 'Team' " thingy you are supposed to say to make people cooperate and play nicely -
that never worked on me,
so I cannot authentically trot that out as a Lecture Condemning Sisterly Warfare.
So E and M were summoned to Stop The Noise,
Listen To This Excellence,
Shh Or I Will Start In On The Pretending She's Taylor Swift's Snarky Stepsister Thing.
And music, as always, soothes the savage beasts, all of us.
And I assign them a Document to Write,
based upon the "we're on each others team" mantra.
Because I do think that way,
that in this house we are on each other's team.
And also, Writing A Document is a go-to because:
1. I love Documents, especially ones written by the girls
2. They stop fighting and get quiet, so I am brilliant in my Absurd Parenting
3. And the quiet means more excellent music listening while awaiting the Document -
more proof of Absurd Brilliance.
And whee yay tra la la,
the girls totally crushed the Writing of the Document.
If song lyrics Absurd Parenting becomes a thing, I totally want credit.
Behold! The Sisters' Promise:
Ok, that thing rules.
I am charmed, nobody's bickering, cool music playing.
We've not yet lost all our graces.
Excellent Document is on the wall now,
so I can point at it as a reminder that they are totally badass sisters who are fab,
and also, I will totally make them do stuff like this if they squabble,
so let's be awesome instead.
I have a perfect soundtrack for it!!!