Sunday, February 3, 2013

Quoth The Raven, Why Is There Not More Poetry In Football? Or, Reasons Why I Am Not Invited To Superbowl Parties, by Allison

So, we are all watching the Superbowl, or, I am waiting for the commercials to rank them, as that is the sport I observe during this event (Go Oreos!).

I do not care for football because it takes too long and I can't see anyone's faces and all, but I did work at an ad agency so I love to see who brings their A game on the commericals and who does the lame beer plus girls equals boring commercial, Pavlovian response from audience notwithstanding.
(Note: Reason One Why I Am Not Invited To Superbowl Parties)

I also have my Kindle, for the non-commercial parts.

M the seven year old stylist asks Matt which team is which, and that is a good question.
I will also add here that M and E are dressed as Superbowl fairy princesses, which is not a thing, but E is humoring M by wearing a tiara and carrying a wand, and M is glittered up, and I am wondering why I never thought of that before.
(Note: Reason Two Why I do not get invited to Superbowl Parties)

Matt informs the girls who is what team while procuring Superbowl Food, which is the one day a year he gets horrible fake cheese things and melts stuff there are Doritos and way too much orange edible things that do not exist in nature.
 I protest the non-existent foodgroup of Superbowl Food.
(Note: Reason Three Why I Am Not Invited To Superbowl Parties)

And get this?

Somehow V starts laughing/mocking me when I helpfully interjected "M, the Ravens are wearing the black jeggings outfits."
I tell her I won a football pool at work once based on color of outfits and names
(Which? was awesome, and totally aggravated the people who took it seriously), and V tries to say it is not "outfits."
And I say, call my dad, I've had this argument with him for years.
(Note: Reason Four Why I Am Not Invited To Superbowl Parties)

And Matt tries to say Ravens are named for the state bird of Maryland and explains about the team used to be the Cleveland Browns, and he has actual cousins and uncle and such who played for pro teams so he knows stuff, and nobody in the room is interested in my tangential ponderings on cities poaching teams from other cities and what that does to an economy and is it worth it and they are all, "Here she goes again."
(Note: Reason Five Why I Am Not Invited To Superbowl Parties)

So I change topic, and say I like how the golddigger outfits have gold on them, and the girls are Wha?
So I start trying to explain the gold rush and E and V are, "We said no more history lessons" and M is all, "We can go to California and get gold?" Allons-y!

 And to keep with being positive and not grumpy about the non-commercial parts of the Superbowl, I pay sincere compliment to the Ravens outfits going with the Edgar Allan Poe theme.
You know, the black and white stark grim suiting the nature of the poem The Raven.

And Matt is kind of laughing, and V is all "They do not have poetry in football!"

And I am all, "Well they SHOULD have poetry in football. That would be awesome."
(Note: Reason Six Why I Am Not Invited To Superbowl Parties)

The Raven poem is a fantastic threat!
"Oh, yeah other team? NEVERMORE."

See, that is totally perfect and if it becomes a thing, I want credit.
They should make T shirts, black and gruesome, with "Quoth The Raven, Nevermore."

That would be the best team shirt ever, because that is a scary poem, and V is right, there is not much poetry in football sportwear currently, so it would be cutting-edge.

I get excited by this idea, and start speculating how cool that would be, and the snickering all around me by all of my family members, except M the seven year old stylist who is sketching it out as I speak is not appreciated.
Again I am informed poetry plus football equals Mom Is Being Weird Again.

So I try to say that in the Venn Diagram of Football fans and Edgar Allen Poe fans, there has to be some cross section and not just serial killers, and E is all 'NO MATH. Stop!"
(Note: Reason Seven Why I Am Not Invited To Superbowl Parties)

Luckily, since there are commercials every four seconds, we stop squabbling about whether I am a genius (Note: The answer is yes) or not (Note: I disagree with the latter sentiment, and since I am genius I know what I am talking about)
and when the game resumes again I get to leave otherwise known as stop bothering them.
(Note: Reason Eight Why I Am Not Invited To Superbowl Parties)