Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Fabulously Good Kale Chip Non-Recipe, Or, Why I Will Never Be Asked To Write A Cookbook, by Allison

So, in honor of St. Patrick's Day,
I have figured out my non-recipe for kale chips-
 (They are festively green! ) that are magically delicious.

When I say non-recipe,
I mean:
Not an actual recipe,
 because I hate recipes.
They are very bossy, and lists are involved.
 And they are not open for discussion.
So? Nonstarter, right there.

I totally did figure out how to make kale chips,
 that are totally good and taste nothing like kale,
but are totally, shockingly not decadent.
I know that to be true, I made them!.

And I kind of should write it down before I forget.

Fabulously Good Kale Chip Non-Recipe, Or, Why I Will Never Be Asked To Write A Cookbook, by Allison:

1. Acquire kale.

2. Make sure it is all kale.
I have had a Very Unfortunate Incident Involving Fire Alarm,
when using what I thought was kale,
 but was in fact kale mix.
And spring mix and spinach hiding in there?
 Do not want to turn into kale chips, or anything good.

3. Get a pan or baking tray or whatever,
and put the amount of olive oil one of my small spoons holds,
smearing it on the whatever tray.

I don't use measuring cups or spoons, because?
I can't find them,
and I don't like how they all have to be washed,
 when you just need a little bit of olive oil,
and that is tedious.
Also, I am inherently lazy.

So, like a small amount. Not a regular spoon amount.

4. Tear up the kale.
Into whatever sized things,
chip sized things.
You can pull off the leaves (?) and not use the stems,
if you are extremely "this tastes like kale, no thank you"  type.

I leave stems in,
because ripping leaves off would take too much time,
and I am inherently lazy.

5. Put the kale pieces on the tray.
See, easy!!

6. Throw whatever seasoning stuff you have, that you like,
on the kale tray.
I use sea salt and crushed red pepper,
because I put that on everything.
And therefore, know where it is in our house.
But this is a non-recipe, you do whatever you want.

7. Put a little bit more olive oil in a small spoon the size of the small spoon I used.

8. Fling it at the kale.
You can add entertainment by saying "En Guarde!"
Or "Voila!"
Or "Wonder Twins Power, Activate!"
Flinging is fun.

9. Put tray in the oven.
Don't worry about pre-heating, unless you want to.
I never ever do,
because if I pre-heat it,
when I open the oven,
it is all hot.
Way more likely to injure myself or mess up my makeup.

10. Temperature for oven?
I'm not totally sure.
I kind of spin the dial,
I like the roulette type of game of chance.
But probably 425 or something around that.

11. Leave the kale in the oven for however long it takes for them to be done.

This is a non-recipe,
so I don't feel guilty about the fact that I have no linear idea of how long I cook stuff.
I hate the timer.
It is a pain to set - and I am inherently lazy.

Sometimes it is wrong, that timer.
The thing isn't done yet, or is burnt.
Stupid timer doesn't know.

I certainly don't.
My best guess for the kale chips?
 Time frame:

-how long it takes for me to semi-dry my hair,
until I think the phone is ringing,
 or someone is saying my name.

-how long it takes for me to check email,
if there is nothing I want to actually deal with,
 and I am ignoring siren call shopping.

-dealing with laundry until I get extremely grumpy.

So, I think ten minutes?

I don't know.
This is a non-recipe.
They should be turning crunchy.

12. My time-honored gauge of "Poke at it" works.
When it's crunchy,
but still green, it's done.
Not the same color green that went in the oven.
But not black and scorched.

Go for like,
 that dark Charleston green, used to paint porches and window shutters?
 About that color green.

13. Take them out of the oven.
If you can't find any oven mitts?

I am not judging here.
This is a non-recipe.
If you have no oven mitts,
and have used all other things that could serve as impromptu oven mitt?

Open the oven, and use a spatula or similar,
and scrape them onto a plate.

14. Then put whatever seasoning -
 I used more crushed red pepper,
because I like crushed red pepper flakes.

You use whatever you like, that is a seasoning type thing.
This is a Choose Your Own Adventure Non Recipe.

15. And then you have really very excellent kale chips!!
You have the reason why no one will ever,
ever ask me to write a cookbook.

It would be 10000 pages long, and a lot of it won't be about food.

Reason Number 8,379,308 - why I really, really want an intern.