Tuesday, July 23, 2013

What Nourishes Me Destroys Me, Or, Kindles, Kindles Everywhere But Not A Book To Read, Literary Lament by Allison

So it is a known fact that I think my Kindle is magic.
I rip out book reviews, type title into Magic Kindle, book appears, is miracle.

No having to tote a five thousand pound purse, or make Sophie's Choice decisions on which books have to get donated to make room for new books.

(Note: Sophie's Choice was a book that I Sophie's Choiced  one second after having my first daughter V. That book was already the worst, saddest, most awful thing ever, and then it became even worse, and I flagrantly placed my dog-eared Dorothy Parker collection in its place for de-traumatizing, healing snark purposes)

I mean, there are rocky times in my relationships with Magic Kindles -
Yes, Kindles with an s.

TANGENT: Kindles I Have Loved And Lost, by Allison:

1. Allison's Kindle 1:
Sorry about the green tea.
I had no idea it would be the death of you.
I loved you so, and your magic book summoning will remain one of the Most Awesome Things Ever. Know that you were loved, until you could not handle a Trenta Green Tea Deluge.
2. Allison's Kindle 2:
WTF, Kindle 2???
I did not spill tea on you.
I treated you kindly, for the most part, and there was no overt crime committed against you.
Why the blurry half Jane Austen, half blurry blob screen? 
That is the worst, you know.
Half Beloved Dignified Snark Author, Half Blurry Bad.
Even worse, was when I stomped around with your defective blurry screen,
Matt says "It's dead."
I say, "What? No it is not. I am totally in the middle of a book, I didn't do anything to it, it has to get fixed, fix it."
Matt: "I can't. It's dead. Look at it."
Me: "I can't look at it. It is just confused, fix it."
Matt: "Go order another one, read something else, maybe?"
Me: "What?????  No, that violates my laws and rules on Book Reading:  When and How and In What Order!  And I CAN"T QUIT YOU, KINDLE 2"!:
3. Allison's Kindle 3:
Oops. Green tea again.
My bad.
4. Allison's Kindle 4:
There is a debate between me and my friend Rob on whether this Kindle died during a tragic hair blow drying incident (my theory) or by falling from the sink to the floor and smashing (his theory).
I say, I am right, because I would not have had the Kindle on the sink if I was not blow drying my hair upside down, requiring Kindle at sink height so I could read while drying my hair.
So, clearly, blow dryer death.
He is all  "It fell from the sink, that is what killed it, why are you ordering one on rush order while we are all on Most Funnest Beach Vacation?"
I am all  "Because I need it. I am getting twitchy already."
5. Allison's Kindle 5:
At least you get the good story, Kindle 5.
You short-circuited because I cried all over you.
On the monorail at Disney World.
(Note: Do not get judgy because I was reading on the monorail to Disney World.
My kids were in a contained space, no need for food, or protection from tigers, and I was reading a good book. A good, SAD book.)
It was not my fault, in that I did not know I could cry that much without starving French singing people or moors and brooding involved.
But you went down in blaze (Or fizzy bleep sound and black screen) of glory:
The Fault In Our Stars, by John Green, was awesome book.
Totally worth the public crying and the rush order Kindle to Disney World so I could finish with the crying and awesomeness.
6. Allison's Kindle 6:
RIP, 6th Kindle.
I thought we were friends, had a good thing going.
For me it was Tru Luv 4 Eva.
I didn't spill green tea on you like Kindle 1 and 3.

I did not drop you while blow drying my hair. I did not cry on you so much that you short-circuited.

I honestly don't know what went wrong, 6th Kindle.
All was well, The Painting Girls was being read, and you were placed gently on bedside while I had a heated debate with my daughter E on what does or does not constitute a Book-Report-Worthy fourth grade book.

Did all the bickering and "Nuh uh" "Uh huh"s get to you?
Did the  literary (Or as I was telling E, totally NOT literary if there are cartoons in it I do not care how many pages it has) jousting stress you out?

I'm sorry.
But you didn't have to go all half Charlotte Bronte face overlapping gray to white blobs of NON WORDS.
That was uncalled for, and my go-to fix it strategy of hitting you on the side of the desk three times, and turning you on and off did not work. 
7. Allison's Kindle 7:
I am not at fault for this one.
My 7th Kindle was actually E's first Kindle.  She kindly lent it to me while I was having my hissy fit over Kindle 6.
And though Amazon helpers and chat room devotees swore by various fixes, once Kindle 7's pluggy-in thing got loosened by me plugging it in a whole bunch trying to make it charge faster,
It Was Never Right Again.  
Like when a doll's head falls off or you get kicked by a mule, Never Right Again.
Matt invented some tightrope walking type solution of balancing Kindle 7 on top of Rosebud Lip Salve and a yearbook, and it would charge for two seconds,
but as soon as he walked out of the room, it would go dead and I would screech and be inconsolable,
I wanted my BOOK.
Whatever it was, it was good and I wanted to keep reading.
(Oh, it was The Woman Upstairs. Loved it.)
8. Allison's Kindle 8:
Again, not my fault.
This was V's first Kindle, that she touched one time, password protected it to keep her sisters out, forgot where she put it, it died, and she forgot the password.
It is perfectly functional Kindle 8, if its mysteries could be unlocked.
Alas, they cannot.
And this may be the World's Second Most Trivial Predicament
(I have already detailed the World's First Most Trivial Predicament here: http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/04/cry-me-river-of-green-tea-lattes-and.html?spref=fb)
but it is still a Predicament.
So I am in my Kindle graveyard,
having rush ordered a new Kindle and am trying to decode V's Kindle simultaneously, so I can get to my books.
I had them ordered.
They were lined up in the queue.
That I cannot access in any way.
My desperate family suggests my iPad.
But my flighty sparkly gold iPad won't download new things, must be done on Kindle, and get this????
Upon arrival, New Kindle declares itself Matt's 2nd Kindle.
He did not order it, his 1st Kindle has exactly two things on it:
The Oxford Dictionary and The Kite Runner.
Both unread, and of no use to me, I want my books.
I have already read the dictionary and The Kite Runner.
I can't co-opt his 1st Kindle.
I have tried, so it would not feel unloved and neglected, but it acted like it did not know me and I got offended.
It's cutting off its own nose to spite its face, that Kindle.
Fine, I may drown it in tea or tears or break it or overuse it or something, but at least it will get to act like a Kindle and not a paperweight.
But it is all, "No, I'm Matt's 1st Kindle. I don't know who you are, crazy lady. Go away. We're sleeping here."
So as I am trying to unlock and deregister and reregister V's 1st Kindle otherwise known as Allison's 8th Kindle, my new Kindle arrives and announces that it is Matt's 2nd Kindle.
That is absurd.
Has it met its processor, Matt's 1st Kindle?
That works perfectly fine if you want to read the dictionary or The Kite Runner but won't connect to our wireless network even with correct password, and won't cooperate with me at all, my attempts at:
-Good Cop, Bad  Cop
-Playing Hard To Get
-Mutinous Stare-Off
- Hissy Fits
will not prompt it to acknowledge me in any way or do its sworn duty as a Kindle to deliver me my books, NOW?
I manage to re-name V's 1st Kindle "Allison's 9th Kindle," even though that is totally embarrassing  - but it pretends not to know me either.
Sheila, and others in customer service, are flummoxed.
I am just livid and in book withdrawal, and that is not a pretty sight.
While my fake 9th Kindle ignores me,
Matt's 2nd Kindle -
Is NOT his Kindle, he did not order it, he does not want it, it is MINE.
I ordered it, and by the way, Kindle People?
Same address, same account, same household, we share here.
Or maybe we don't, but it doesn't matter, I am the one who wants the Kindle.
Not War of the Roses here.
No Yorks, No Lancasters, no need to make Matt's 2nd Kindle and Allison and her Dead Kindles fight for book summoning rights.
Everybody here, and probably neighbors by now, agrees:
Give Allison Her Kindle With Its Vast Library Of Awesome And Its Pre-Ordered New Books She Wants RIGHT NOW.
And as Cherry on the Sundae of Awful,  the power surges due to giant rainstorm,
our computer gets wonky,
and I go insane.
I want The Silent Wife and The Shining Girls.
I already ordered them, I'd prove it but all the witnesses are dead.
Matt's 2nd Kindle is charged, and all "Want to read the dictionary? The Kite Runner?"
I am all, "If NO ONE will help me, I am going to totally re-order two books I already own somewhere out in space! So help me, I will!!!"
Everyone: "Fine. Please. Shh. Whatever."
Me: "I will take this up with Sheila and other customer service people later. I need my books."
So my evening, meant to be spent reading peacefully, turned into hours-long fit-pitching and technology-cursing and fist raised to the sky "I shall never go bookless again" in my best Scarlett O'Hara voice.
Until I decided to act like I was not a toddler, and read my stack of magazines instead.
First thing I find in my first magazine is the book review section.
With an author reviewing The Silent Wife and The Shining Girls and raving about them and saying she's jealous because they are so good.
I cannot read that magazine.
I pretend to be Matt, which I do all the time and I am fairly sure the Amazon people summoning his running shoes know it is me ordering them, same as me ordering the Kindles, but whatever, I am desperate.
Matt's 2nd Kindle, charged and eager to be of service to "Matt," now has four things in its library. The dictionary, The Kite Runner, and its Nemesis' New Books, Ha Ha So There Take That.
And if Benedict Arnold Kindle thinks I am going to be nice to it?
After this subterfuge and tomfoolery and not giving me my books unless I re-order them which is Just Wrong?
If I were any Kindle in this house,
I'd either join Team Allison's Whatever Kindle,
or grow legs and run.
Because tea, tears, blow-dryers, deranged fury, or something equally destructive are in its future.
Proof Volume XVIII, Why I Want An Intern.