Friday, November 14, 2014

Who Says Scrabble Isn't Violent? And Also, Violent Is An Excellent Scrabble Word! Advice, by Allison.

So, the girls are home from school.
And there is no responsible adult to govern us.

And I am feeling like a Pioneer,
or at least a Parent Who Pays Attention To Stuff?

So I declare,
as we arrive home:

"We are having a wholesome,
no electronics,
or things that plug in,
or make beeps,

Tell all your friends we did this,
and also your teachers."

E: "Your Kindle is electronic."

Me: "Not really.
It is magical."

(Proof: )

V: "Mom, it has a cord.
That plugs in to electrical outlet."

Me: "Whatever.
Kindles are the exception.

If you all want to read on your Kindles,
fine by me."

E: "You broke all of our Kindles."

Me: (Internally):
That is kind of true.

Me: (Out loud):
"That is not totally true.

One is very finicky and obstinate.
The other one is playing hard to get."

V: "What about the rest of them?"

Me: "Not relevant.

Find a board game or a book."

The following ensues:

Who Says Scrabble Isn't Violent?
And Also, Violent Is An Excellent Scrabble Word!
Advice, by Allison:

1. E finds her book and reads.
This is delightful to me,
but I don't say that.

Because I am not throwing a parade for someone reading a book,
you are supposed to do that,
and in fact,
it is way better than watching reruns of Full House,

Why is that show mesmerizing,
so far past its shelf life?

I am thrown off by the mullets,
and cannot process the rest of it.

2. I digress.
V and M pull out the Scrabble board.

Also delightful!

3. V then says M does not know how to play Scrabble.

I am all,

"Teach her, then.
Or, you can do other wholesome activity like tending to the fields.
Which means cleaning up after the dogs outside."

4. Scrabble lesson immediately begins.

5. And I am all,
I can be Pioneer Gold Star Parent too!
I will cook stuff!

6. But then, I hear bickering.

7. It is loud.

8. I say,
as I am all Gold Star cooking stuff for real :

"I hear violence.
There is no violence in Scrabble."

9. I am totally lying.

Anyone who has played Scrabble with someone who uses a timer?

Or owns a Scrabble Dictionary?

Or carries their Scrabble in velvet wrappings?

knows this:

There is absolutely violence in Scrabble.

If your opponent cares too much,
play out your letters.

Short words that aren't Scrabble bonanzas,
but who cares.

Retreat, it is not worth it.
Go read on your Kindle.

Nobody should scrapple over Scrabble.

10. But, it is my duty to give Scrabble tips, right?

11. So I was like,
There is no violence in Scrabble.

If you need to burn off energy?
Play Twister or clean up the backyard.
no violent Scrabble."

12. But I have to properly parent.

13. So I follow up with
"But violent is a really good Scrabble word.
V's are hard to work in,
and can be very helpful in a triple word score."

14. V : "Don't insult my letter."

15. Me : "Ug.
Stop being ridiculous.
V's are unicorns,
only trumped by X or something."

16. E : (Who is supposed to be reading,
 and is not playing Scrabble,
 and all this unplugged family fun is going downhill fast)

"So you are saying E is not as special?"

17. Me: (Internally ):
I should have let them watch TV.
John Stamos,
or those Olsen twins?

They could have had a life lesson all wrapped up,
in the time it is taking me to deal with this.

18. Me : (Out loud) :
We are going to have a whole thing over the first letter in our names?
I am not adequately caffeinated to sort this out.

There are more E's than V's in Scrabble.
More vowels than consonants.
If you consult a dictionary,
which I always advise unless you are playing Scrabble,
because that is a total buzzkill thing to do?

More vowels.
Not a bad thing.

And not at all why any of you have your names,
and this is becoming a very cumbersome
Wholesome No Electronics Afternoon.

19. I am on Nineteen?
Really, already?

That was what my afternoon was like.

My Gold Star Pioneer Parenting?
Turned into the Geneva Convention.
Or Judge Judy.

20. Me: "V and M,
no stealing all the E's from the Scrabble board.
I will know you did it.

And E,
 no stealing them and using them in a monogram thing,
or to frame your sisters.

I will know you did it."

21. Me again: "And V and M,
no stealing your own letters from the Scrabble board.
I will know you did it.

And E,
no stealing their letters.
I will know you did it."

22. Clearly,
Scrabble is no longer happening.

23. I stopped cooking stuff, too.

I am on 23 already,
it only the afternoon.

Exhibit Number XXXVI3 times ten  Why I Want An Intern.