Saturday, September 14, 2013

All Hail The Changing Of The Closet! Or, It Is Officially Autumn, I Say So, by Allison

So in case this in not on your calendar or Google alerts or whatever makes your phone light up or beep - Autumn has arrived.

Says me.

I know there is a bit more time left for Summer officially.
Those officials are evil.
The completely absurd, horrible, uninformed governing body of calendars?
Who have forevermore decreed I can't have Fall weather now,
and Summer starts in late June?

Also, total lie.
I have years of anecdotal evidence that at least on the East Coast, it becomes boiling hot and I never get to wear my Transition From Spring To Summer wardrobe,
because there is no such thing.

Ice storms, then hot.
Poor sad lonely boatneck striped shirts, yearning (or maybe I am the one that's yearning, could be) to be worn, passed over by Very Grumpy Allison for stupid hot weather clothes I know I will be sick to death of by July 15, darling sundresses not darling anymore, and I start being super grumpy.

Stores selling sweaters and boots and stuff I love are not helping.
And I still get the Back to School, Need A New Outfit mindset, so what if I am not actually in school.

People in my house are enrolled, and two of the three girls are totally genetically cursed by me, leading to them wearing wool and riding boots to the first day of school, in the 90 degree weather.

Growing up, every year I picked out the first day of school outfit, it is supposed to be like it is in my Seventeen magazine,
I don't care what the dumb weatherman is saying about 90 degrees and humid.
I led a one person protest against Summer still existing.
A sartorial protest, and I was the only one suffering, so it was not really an effective protest, but I did not care.

I am getting kind of more reasonable (Note: My version of reasonable)

I have been holding off on The Changing Of The Closet - Which?

Is as much a pageant as The Changing Of The Guards at Buckingham Palace, but with better music, and a crowd of one, namely M the seven year old stylist.

But today was my breaking point - it was not hideously hot, just kind of annoyingly hot, and that was enough for me.

The Changing Of The Closets Has Begun.

It is one of my favorite things, to say goodbye to my Summer clothing friends, who are like, my fourth best friend in nursery school, and throw a celebration for the triumphant return of my total best friends forever, Fall clothes.

That was my entertainment of the day, and honestly, it was awesome.

M the seven year old stylist is an awesome audience, and V and E were walking around in my tall boots or tall Fall shoes,
V asking me "Why do you wear such high heels when you are already tall?"
 Ug, that is like explaining quantum physics, but way more nuanced,
and not something I can fully put into words -

The best I could do was "I love them, they are pretty, they look better, and I can walk in them and if I don't wear them I will lose my current level of tall shoe-wearing ability,
and I can't have that happen.
Plus I made up that Girl Scout badge on how to walk in heels, so I have to, it's the law."

Oh, the super fun of The Changing Of The Closet.

It is actually a wise move economically, at least in the economy of this house -
because if I am made aware that I own eleventy black sweaters and every kind of boot invented and am all set on tweeds,
I will be less likely to fall for the Sirens' Call of awesome fall clothes helpfully popping up on my computer or mailed in delightful catalogs or otherwise whispering
"You really do not have that many black sweaters, and those boots would be perfect for walking along the moors of Scotland."

So I am being financial wizard, playing in my closet all day.

M the seven year old stylist is on assist, wearing a trench coat and seriously?
That girl is chic.
I mean, I bought her the trench coat, but she saved up her money for it and picked it out, no prodding by me, and it is fabulous and now I want another trench coat,
although I know from The Changing Of The Closet that I have several already and one has a sticky note on the dry cleaner bag saying "Allison stop buying trench coats, love Allison."

Total bonding time with M, while E is at dance rehearsal and at the dog park with Matt and the good and bad dogs,
and then Matt and V are examining a tent for a camping trip in which I am totally not going -
I checked, I don't have the outfits for that.

Matt sticks his head in the closet when I am in the middle of boot analysis:
(Which boots need cleaning, and which ones get best positioning on shoe shelves, versus get lined up along the side -
 that is very important, like putting vegetables where children can reach them in the fridge so they eat carrots instead of cookie dough -
I have a totally non-linear, inexplicable system for what goes where)

And he is all, "What are you doing? Inventory?"

And I am all, "Yes, exactly. It is The Changing Of The Closet day."

He understands, because he has lived with me long enough to know that I have an elaborate ritual of rotating things around and it makes sense to me,
and I don't make him do anything and I am not getting up to trouble,
so he is all, "Ok, cool."

And leaves, before I can think of something he can do to participate in the festivities.

And in attempt to keep me upstairs celebrating The Changing Of The Closet,
Matt and V and E are watching a Star Trek movie.
M the seven year old stylist asks "Is that the one where they meet Jar-Jar Binks?"
And as V says "No, that is Star WARS," 
I say "Does it make a difference? "
And M says, "No, I just wanted to know which one of the ones I don't like it is."

So more Changing Of The Closet for us.

And since it is an official ceremony, that means it can't be hot and muggy anymore.
I'm not kidding around, Weather.

I have been patient, it is September already. I am usually on your case in August.
I think this may be the longest I've ever held out in commencing with The Changing Of The Closet.
I did not wear a wool sweater to Back to School nights.
I have pitched very few fits.

It is Autumn, adjust your calendars, let the leaves know to do their color changing thing, and send the humidity elsewhere.

Do I have to file an appeal or something to make this happen?
I really want an intern to look into this pressing matter.

Until then, I will have to rely on made-up ceremonies, voodoo, and hissy fits to summon Autumn.

It tends to work every year, eventually, so I know I am on to something.