Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Why Is It Watery, Has Things Floating In It, and Probably Toxic? Or, Mixing Drinks, Yet Another Thing I Cannot Do, by Allison

So, today, here in beautiful island paradise of heaven, please can we stay forever, I learned yet another thing I am truly, horribly bad at attempting.

I do not have a formal list of these things because I am a known List Hater, and that List in particular I do not want to see ever ever.

But never fear! My brain jambles around and reminds me of my misguided attempts at (fill in blank) all the time.

This evening, lovely breeze, mountains and twinkly lights out on the sea, could not be any better.

So how can I wreck it?

Answer: Many ways, too long to write all of them, so tonight I will focus on this:
I cannot make delicous fruity blended beverage for adult consumption and enjoyment.

In fact, I think what I made was both watery and thin, yet clumpy and chunky (in colors of things I did not put in there), and could probably have started a car with its fumes.

Total fail.

And I know how to use blenders!
I am not afflicted with a No Appliance Ever issue!
I made the girls baby food, pureeing it up!
We make protein smoothies at home a lot.!

The problem is, I've gotten spoiled because I have (not here, booo on that) stealth mixologist RTB who is wizard delicous beverage conjurer
(Note: Have waxed poetic on his delightful delights and the aftereffects and the naming issues involved, but most importantly recipes for these elixirs here :
and they mayhem that followed here:

And trust me, and I know good from bad since I am declaring myself the worst ever, RTB's mixes are fab, and why can't I do that?

I was attempting to conjure up a delightful frothy drink for this evening, and was faced with some challenges:

1. No idea how to froth up something appropriately in blender and am too lazy to read what I wrote last summer.

2. Lack of fruit or juices that come from fruit.
I had some strawberries, one banana, questionable lime, and an apple I was not going to use because I wanted to eat it later, it looked like an excellent apple.

3. Nary a clue on what to mix in with it, other than the rums we have here in paradise (Note: I am being a humanitarian, supporting the local economy in this rum acquisition. They hand it out at the airport! It may be a law!)
so I put some of this and that.
I do not often or ever make mixed adult beverages, so I am thinking I overpoured.

And then I thought maybe a little bit of orange juice, cranberry juice, and vodka would be a nice element.

I know there is something missing, like a substance that makes things frothy and not "please sir, may I have some more" Oliver Twist gruel.
I just don't have it in my brain, or in this lovely house.

So I blend, and blend and blend, and it seems to look OK, so I pour a glass, and  . . . . my sinuses are totally clear now, FYI.

I took one in to Matt with no warning to see what would happen, but he was engaged in bonding with his children and not making alcohol soup like his wife, so I did not get his thoughts on the horror.

(Which, in my defense, Matt used to have this Crockpot theory which was: put stuff in, everything is good after crockpotting all day.
This very very WRONG theory was proven false after the episodes we have named:
1. Menace-strone : he put in cans of ministrone soup, a whole box of uncooked squiggly noodles, and random other nutritious things as i was pregnant with V and we were observing the food pyramid.

The concoction he made was honestly the gooiest, gloppiest, unidentifiable blob ever.
But I ate some, and then both in vitro V and I protested vehemently. That was bad.
 But not as bad as:

2. Tuna Spaghetti. I don't even have to elaborate on that, nor do I want to.

So I learned tonight that the same theory of, throw it in there, it will be good, does not work for blenders either.

This thing  I concocted was so watery, just EWW.

And oddly it was also still chunky.

It was the color of the walls of a government institution.

Bonus!  Things were floating in it.
Like, chunks and bits of things that were not the color of anything I put in it, AT ALL.

Also, unlike RTB or others' delightful drinks that seem innocuous but are not -
This one declared from the rooftop,
"Don't light a match near here!
Give me your keys!
Save some and you can use it as fuel later on!"

I valiantly tried to drink some, or at least identify the detritus.

Is mystery.

But no worries! Am in island paradise! 

And here's someone dudes who know how to chill waaay better than me: G. Love and Special Sauce's "Recipe" and Willie Nelson's "Whiskey River."